Discovered secret party :-(

[getmeouttahere88]

I feel sick!
Just today I have discovered that my lovely DP has organised a surprise party for my upcoming birthday. It's a big one but
we already have lovely plans made around that time and for as long as I can remember I've said that I just don't want a party! In fact I'd go as far as to say I couldn't think of anything worse and especially where it's supposed to be a surprise!
What the hell do I do?
If I was going to have one I'd want to at least have some part in the organisation (yes I'm a bit of a control freak) but also I'd like to be able to turn up to my own party looking as lovely as I possibly could, but if I don't know about it then I'm likely to leave the house in jeans and flip flops ffs!

I realise I sound ridiculously selfish and what DP is doing is such a lovely thing for me but I just feel I'm going to spent the next few month anxious over this!
I'm not a massive fan of partying let alone when I'm centre of attention.
How will he know to invite everyone I'd want?
What if no one comes?!
I'd just rather not but seems a venue is booked (don't know where) and people have been invited.
I also feel a really annoyed that I haven't been listened to or at least my very vocal feelings about a party have been ignored.
I don't really want to tell him I know either
What am I going to do?!

[morningconstitutional2017]

I'm glad you've discussed this with DH, and in your shoes I'd obviously go and enjoy it (or at least put on a brave face) but on getting home I'd tell him firmly never to spring a surprise like that on me again.

[paranoidmother]

My DH asked me this year when I said I didn't want a party " are you jousting saying that but really do?" He was shouted down.

One of two ways pretend to have booked something else on the date and see what he says or tell him to cancel the venue as it's going to make you stressed and ill over it.

Good luck

[misit]

Bit late for that paranoid

[PavlovtheCat01]

It's a big birthday for me too. i have been totally clear too. Do Not under any circumstances organise me a party, surprise or otherwise, it is my worst nightmare and I will not be happy at all. We have arranged to go away for my birthday, he cannot then do it. He knows I will be so cross about it and would likely cancel it myself on the day once I knew.

IF he refused to listen and I found out he was doing one anyway, I would tell him straight up that I didn't want it, still don't want it and that he needs to cancel. Any loss of money due to his refusal to listen would be his problem to deal with.

[KimmySchmidt1]

Just tell him you hate surprise parties but are grateful for the thought and can he please tell you where and when it is so you can make sure you look nice, and let you be involved in choosing who comes.

If he doesn't like it he can sod off and marry someone who loves surprises can't he!

is this party about you or him? if its about you then he should be able to compromise a bit so that you don't hate it.

[grannytomine]

He really thought it through with his plan for you to get prepared for the party. I feel quite jealous as my husband once asked me if I wanted to go out for a meal for my birthday. I was thrilled until we pulled up outside a rather grotty fish and chip shop with a few tables. I cried all the way home and he still doesn't understand why. Can we swap?

[38cody]

oh god I'd hate that.
just tell him, tell him you found it and that you'd love the party but since you know now you want to get involved.

[Writermom22]

Tell him. Tell him now.

If you tell him you know, then at least you can have it out now rather than having a face like a smacked arse/false smiles on the day. They you need to decide to either cancel the whole lot, or go along with it but on your say so.

Surprise parties are brill but ONLY if the birthday person likes surprises.

If I was surprised like that, I would more than like walk out in tears as it would mean that my hubs didn't know me, and didn't listen to me for the last 23 years.

[Missolford33]

If you really don't want it tell him you've found out, your not happy and your not going! Don't go mad you don't need too, just tell him straight. You went behind my back and arranged something you know I didn't want to do. I'm not happy about it. Please cancel it.

[cailyaclara]

Glad you and your OH have talked about it - it does sound as if he's tried in a misguided manner to make it nice for you.

However, I have to be honest, this would be my worst nightmare. I hate parties and I especially hate surprise ones. I'd be fucking fuming if that was done for me. I had it happen once with a surprise meal for my birthday when I had specifically said that I wanted a night out just with my OH. I was livid when there were another ten people there. It wasn't what I WANTED for MY BIRTHDAY.

And that's the thing... make sure it IS what YOU WANT. Don't appease anyone!

[dragonflygirl1]

I am the same. Said I didn't want a party. DH organised a huge one for me and it was a massive (but lovely) shock to see all the people who were there. It was a brilliant night! I would have wanted to cancel it if I had found out about it, but I didn't and I am glad it went ahead. Although, I do wish I had worn more comfy shoes - I had no idea I would be standing and dancing all night!

[MsJudgemental]

I would be thrilled that people cared enough about me to throw a party in my honour, but that's just me. It's never happened to me. If you would really hate it then tell him you know and either take control of the details or get him to cancel it. Happy birthday for whenever.

[Cookie37]

Honesty is always the best policy. Just tell him you saw the message by accident and that you appreciate him trying to organise something, but that you are absolutely sure you definitely do not want a party and suggest simething else instead with just you two. Maybe he is short of ideas and thinks he's obliged to organise something, and hasn't got the imagination to do something different...

[MrsExpo]

My DH arranged a surprise birthday thing for me on a "significant" birthday my fiftieth and although, like you OP, I'm not a party animal, I actually really enjoyed it. I'd get your hair done/buy a new outfit as a treat to yourself, let the "surprise" happen, have a couple of glasses of wine and enjoy. Your DP is clearly doing this for all the right reasons so have a quiet actual birthday, and enjoy the "surprise" on the night.

[Tessabelle74]

Start getting your hair and nails done once a week from now on (on hubby's bank card of course!) then it won't look dodgy before the party. Either that or just explain you found out and you'd rather he spent the money on a nice weekend break for you both

[RandomName9]

Glad you have spoken to him about it and come to some agreements. I'm sure the un-surprise party will be great!
I also hate surprise parties..my mum & sister decided to arrange a "surprise hen do" for me (despite me stating I only wanted a little spa visit with my sister & bridesmaids which was already arranged). They told me we were going for dinner so I dressed accordingly only to turn up to a pub/nightclub full of all my family & friends! Lovely I hear some say..I had just given birth by csection 4 weeks earlier-our wedding was 2 weeks later. I wasn't huge but none of my nice clothes fit me, husband was supposed to take me shopping for something nice but forgot!! My hair was a mess as I was in between birth & wedding, nails hadn't been done since before birth, couldn't drive, had a newborn, was planning a wedding so very stressed etc etc etc. I turned up looking probably the worst I had in my life, saw everyone looking gorgeous & burst into tears because I realised we weren't going anywhere to eat & I hadn't eaten since breakfast!!! I'd never inflict that on anyone 😬

[Prideinmyplace2]

Smack his arse & take the two of you on holiday...you'll be the talk of the... lol

[Ifeelsuchafool]

No, just no. What is it about people who just can't accept that their idea of fun is not necessarily someone else's idea of fun and insist on forcing their wishes on someone they're supposed to respect and love? You don't want a party, you don't enjoy being the centre of attention, it's your birthday celebration, not his or your mum's. I would be up front and honest and tell them exactly what you've said on here. You stumbled upon the secret whilst looking for something else and you just don't want it, thank you, however kindly meant. If your DP wants to throw a party I'm sure you can find some other reason to focus upon and have it well away from your birth date so you don't have to suffer the stress of being the centre of attention.

[winglesspegasus]

well, could do what dh did.new years eve baby
hated surprises of any kind.i was kept in the dark as well,until best friend told me.
we arrived said hello and walked straight out the back door!
had a midnight picnic.
they had a great party..

[kateandme]

i dont agree that it means he doesn't know you.its beyond that in thinking when it comes to a surprise party.they no you but still want to celebrate you.rightly or wrongly for you its still in them to want to do it for you.
my friends mum knows she suffers with anxiety and knows that she will hate parties.she knows her more than anyone and they are as close as two people can be.but her love also means she needs to share it with other and show the love through celebration. its agony for my friend in a way but I try to explain to her its because of the love that shes doing it.why would she want to hurt or be cruel to her.she wouldn't. and all though for suprie parties and people that don't like it it can be horrid its not because the people organising it doesn't no or love them.thats harsh.
is there any way you can do this.or any part of you that could want this.or be there so its enjoyable.
I'm not belittling your feeling.no way. I just want you to be able to cope.and if that means coming up with a plan to do so then so be it.can we do that.help with that.put some buffers in place to help this be agood time.

[kateandme]

aww I'm so glad you talked to him.and I wanted it to be that hed put your outfit/hair in place.i was wishing him to of throught of this bit :) and he did!
you sound slightly excited now hun.a little like "ooh he thought of me and all this and how lovely" maybe?
now is the time to if you can and think it might be ok to just embrace it.or if needs be talk more with him or someone or us on how it can be managed if its to do with anxiety etc.c
could there be part of the venue you can go if you need out for a minute?
a signal to dp or friend if its all too much.
if its going ahead don't get bogged down with the what ifs.becasue they never happen or usually do because we think so much of them we make it occur anyway.
take care.i really want to here how great it went.and eeee what you will be looking beautiful in. :)

[Thehappygardener]

Glad you have told him and come to a compromise. A friend's husband organised a surprise party for her significant birthday but fortunately she found out. She didn't tell him, as was touched and pleased by his idea, but she then efficiently made sure that the house was tidy, organised more stocks of wine and food, and made sure that she was looking very good.

🌺

[Thehappygardener]

PS I would love a surprise party from my husband but don't think it will ever happen! Interesting to read the VERY strong feelings that lots of people have about surprise parties etc, I hadn't thought about feeling 'not at my best', etc. 😱 but a very realistic worry.

Sounds as though you will enjoy your party, now that it is an 'un-surprise party'. Do have fun. 🌺