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Original poster

Discovered secret party :-(

126 replies

getmeouttahere88 · 02/07/2017 21:40

I feel sick!
Just today I have discovered that my lovely DP has organised a surprise party for my upcoming birthday. It's a big one but
we already have lovely plans made around that time and for as long as I can remember I've said that I just don't want a party! In fact I'd go as far as to say I couldn't think of anything worse and especially where it's supposed to be a surprise! Confused
What the hell do I do?
If I was going to have one I'd want to at least have some part in the organisation (yes I'm a bit of a control freak) but also I'd like to be able to turn up to my own party looking as lovely as I possibly could, but if I don't know about it then I'm likely to leave the house in jeans and flip flops ffs!

I realise I sound ridiculously selfish and what DP is doing is such a lovely thing for me but I just feel I'm going to spent the next few month anxious over this!
I'm not a massive fan of partying let alone when I'm centre of attention.
How will he know to invite everyone I'd want?
What if no one comes?!
I'd just rather not but seems a venue is booked (don't know where) and people have been invited.
I also feel a really annoyed that I haven't been listened to or at least my very vocal feelings about a party have been ignored.
I don't really want to tell him I know either
What am I going to do?!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 02/07/2017 22:12

Surprise events should always come with a little warning.

SurreyLanes · 02/07/2017 22:13

I've had a couple and they usually set you up to get ready by saying they are taking you somewhere. So you end up looking okay.

I don;t like being the centre of attention & definitely wouldn't agree to a surprise party but I did enjoy both.

Namechangetempissue · 02/07/2017 22:13

Just tell him. I'm sure he would much rather you be honest now than feel awful about it for months. I would be mortified and upset if my DH felt he couldn't be honest with me and tell me if I was doing something he hated. Tell him you really appreciate the gesture and would love to do something just the two of you/immediate family.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2017 22:13

TBH. I think your DH is bang out of order. You've clearly told him enough times you don't want a party.
If anyone threw me a surprise party. I'd never speak to them again.
Some people thrive on and feed off fuss and being in the lime light, but I'd just go to pieces.

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 02/07/2017 22:14

Why don't you plan your own thing, then? Couldn't you book a B and B somewhere you've always (aka 20 mins) wanted to go to and then tell him? Sneaky, I know, but it is your birthday after all (and not your fault tthat you've booked to go away at the same time he's planned a party you know nothing about!)

SurreyLanes · 02/07/2017 22:15

Although, I didn't have an idea about either beforehand so didn't have to think about it for months.

Original poster
getmeouttahere88 · 02/07/2017 22:17

My exh arranged something for my last big zero ending birthday, he sent me off to have a pre booked massage, facial and eyebrow wax which was lovely. I rolled up home with scruffy clothes and a sore puffy eyebrows with a small gathering of family and friends in my house! Blush

OP posts:
NoCapes · 02/07/2017 22:17

I'm surprised by most of the responses on here
You have said you don't want a party, your DH has decided what you want doesn't actually matter and you're getting one anyway
He isn't doing it to be nice to you, it's so everyone can tell him how lovely and wonderful he is for doing it for you, and you'll be forced to be grateful for something that you don't even like Hmm

I'd tell him I know, I don't want it and have said I don't and make him cancel the whole thing
Selfish arse

WomblingThree · 02/07/2017 22:18

You've got two options as I see it. Tell him you found out and you don't want it, or tell him you found out so if it goes ahead it won't be a surprise party. There's nothing whatsoever to be gained by pretending you don't know. Ultimately, he knows you don't want a surprise party, yet organised one anyway. You don't owe him any more courtesy than he showed you.

user1476869312 · 02/07/2017 22:19

Which upsets you more - the surprise element or the party element? If it's the surprise you don't want, well, you have found out so it's not a surprise.
If it's the party, then you could sit your DP and mum down and say, why have you organised a party when I have told you repeatedly I don't want one. Either cancel it or have it without me.
I appreciate this may be difficult as, for people to do such a thing, they are clearly used to not listening to you and arranging things that they hope you will just comply with.

alcibiades · 02/07/2017 22:28

but why does no one listen!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/07/2017 22:28

My ex planned a surprise party for me for a random birthday. I still have NO idea what he was thinking. I thought we were just going to my Mum & Dad's for dinner. I don't really 'do' dressing up, but I'd said to him, 'I suppose as it's my birthday I should make an effort'. He said 'No, it's too hot, just wear something cool & comfy'. So I did, tshirt & shorts...we get there Surprise!!🥂🎂🎁🎉🎊🎁🎉🎊🎈🎈🎈🎈💃🏻🕺🏼🕺🏼💃🏻👠👔👗..and me 👖👚. ALL I remember is thinking WTAF??? And feeling like a fish out of water until I'd had sufficient 🍹🍹🍹🍹to no longer care.

If you REALLY don't want it to happen, talk to him. Tell him how much you love him & think it's great he wanted to do something nice for you etc but as you have already said, it's your idea of hell and it needs to be cancelled. And that in future, when you say you don't want something, you hope he will listen - because you know your own mind.

Original poster
getmeouttahere88 · 02/07/2017 22:29

I'd say it's the party element tbh, I don't think I'll enjoy it, feel crap if not many people came, bit equally I know that I'd probably prefer to have an element of say in the planning too If I was going to have a party which I really can't be arsed with!

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 02/07/2017 22:43

OK, how likely is it that he'll still go ahead if noone accepts the invite? So you can stop worrying about if people will come or not.

You have warning, you can get something nice to wear and get dressed up. Who told you? Could then hint that X should be invited and perhaps DH should pretend to take you out for dinner so ou can get dressed up etc.

SoupDragon · 02/07/2017 22:43

and what DP is doing is such a lovely thing for me

Except he isn't. He is doing something that you specifically said you did not want.

I think you should tell him you know and that you don't want it.

misit · 02/07/2017 22:45

Nobody would dare give me a surprise party, you're obviously not scary enough OP. I would simply say "I hear you've decided to upset me by arranging a birthday party, I suggest you cancel it immediately or I will seriously lose my temper"

To be honest though you don't sound totally anti party, they've spotted a slight weakness.

Original poster
getmeouttahere88 · 02/07/2017 22:48

@misit I am and it's never been in any doubt in my mind. My last arranged party was when I was 13 and I've never wanted one since!

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 02/07/2017 22:49

I would tell them straight you've found out and you're really appreciative of their love and thought but that you do not want it and that they need to make it go away.

Surely they would not want to make you unhappy if the purpose is to make you happy?

Or alternatively book a holiday for the date. Keep it a "surprise"

gleam · 02/07/2017 22:52

How horrible. I hate it when people don't listen to what you want.

HeddaGarbled · 02/07/2017 22:53

Pretending you haven't found out about the surprise party and then turning up in your slobs in order to maintain that pretence is just silly.

Tell him you've found out. You don't need to tell him how.

Then decide, are you going to go along with it but ensure the right people are invited and you get dressed up etc, or do you want him to cancel it?

BewareOfDragons · 02/07/2017 22:54

I think you should sit him down, calmly, and tell him you know about the party and ask him why he has done this when you have made it very, very clear that you don't want this.

When he's done explaining/defending, you can calmly agree to go along with it OR tell him you still don't want a party and you need him to call the whole thing off. If he doesn't want to, then point out that the party clearly isn't for you, because you are again telling him it is not what you want. So why is he insisting on doing something for you that you do not want?

IF you ask him to cancel the party, and he refuses to cancel it, tell him you won't be attending.

Monkeyface26 · 02/07/2017 22:54

I wouldn't admit to knowing. I would just keep reiterating that I wouldn't enjoy a party. Make him squirm until he cancels.
"I'm so glad you're not one of those people I can't who think they know best and ignore partner's wishes. I can't imagine anything worse than being stuck at a party I never wanted while also feeling ignored/disrespected."
I would be pretty fed up if I were you.

FlyingElbows · 02/07/2017 22:54

Talk to them if you genuinely don't want it, it really is that simple. It's is not generous or kind or amazing or thoughtful or awwwww or wow to arrange a surprise party you know the other person will hate. That'd be right up there with Mr Elbows gifting me a tarantula for my birthday!! (he wouldn't because I'd beat him to death with it when I'd stopped screaming, it's just an example).

DilysMoon · 02/07/2017 23:01

I don't think it's a nice thing to do at all if he knows how you feel. Had it done to me twice and loathed it both times. Really spoilt my birthday both times, I don't understand why people don't listen or don't accept that some people hate parties and/or fuss!

You need to tell him you know and if you really don't want to proceed get it cancelled.

MadMags · 02/07/2017 23:06

These threads always go the same way; some think you should suck it up, some don't.

Personally, I don't think it is nice. How is not caring about your feelings nice?

I wouldn't go. Simple as.

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