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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discovered secret party :-(

126 replies

getmeouttahere88 · 02/07/2017 21:40

I feel sick!
Just today I have discovered that my lovely DP has organised a surprise party for my upcoming birthday. It's a big one but
we already have lovely plans made around that time and for as long as I can remember I've said that I just don't want a party! In fact I'd go as far as to say I couldn't think of anything worse and especially where it's supposed to be a surprise!
What the hell do I do?
If I was going to have one I'd want to at least have some part in the organisation (yes I'm a bit of a control freak) but also I'd like to be able to turn up to my own party looking as lovely as I possibly could, but if I don't know about it then I'm likely to leave the house in jeans and flip flops ffs!

I realise I sound ridiculously selfish and what DP is doing is such a lovely thing for me but I just feel I'm going to spent the next few month anxious over this!
I'm not a massive fan of partying let alone when I'm centre of attention.
How will he know to invite everyone I'd want?
What if no one comes?!
I'd just rather not but seems a venue is booked (don't know where) and people have been invited.
I also feel a really annoyed that I haven't been listened to or at least my very vocal feelings about a party have been ignored.
I don't really want to tell him I know either
What am I going to do?!

OP posts:

Laiste · 03/07/2017 08:33

I'd feel exactly the same OP. I'm right there with you!

Tell him.

Tell him: ''DH love ... i hate to say this but i've found out about the party. Sorry''.

He'll then say something along the lines of oh shit now it's not a surprise/how did you find out ect.

You say: ''Mums Ipad. DH - i don't want a party. It's kind of good that i found out. Lets cancel it all and x,y, z .....''.

Once you get the first sentence out the rest will just flow and your troubles are over :)

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2017 08:37

I wouldn't worry about your attire, usually when people organise this kind of thing they say you are going out for dinner or something so you are dressed appropriately.

I also wouldn't worry about the organisation and invites, let them sort it, they know you and your social circle.

Lastly I wouldn't worry about no one coming, they would cancel if that happened,

So two options, relax and jus think you're going to have a fun night or if you really can't stomach it, then tell them you saw the message and ask them to cancel.

Lucisky · 03/07/2017 08:40

A good friend threw a surprise 50th birthday party for her husband. He spent the entire evening with a face like a smacked arse, and was so rude to some of the guests they left early. He had also said he didn't want to celebrate his birthday AT ALL, but she ignored it.
Tell him straight, you don't have to be unkind or rude, just honest. A surprise party would be my idea of hell too!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/07/2017 08:51

I would hate this, too.

I'm not a birthday person at the best of times (week before Christmas), hate being the centre of attention, and a surprise do would make me really unhappy.

I love celebrating other people's birthdays, just not my own.

You have to tell him you know, and you don't want to do it.

rightwhine · 03/07/2017 08:51

appreciating the love behind this gesture of his

There is no love - just selfishness if he's ignored her wishes

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/07/2017 08:58

If you really don't want a party then you could arrange to be elsewhere (your secret) when it's going to happen. As it was a secret how could you be in the right place? Massively inconvenient but how were you to know?

Or do the right thing, grin and bear it.
In the meantime keep on telling DH that you don't want an effing party with as much venom as possible, also repeat this to every single person who may have been invited which will cause bad feelings all round. Or grin and bear it.

user1476869312 · 03/07/2017 09:08

Sometimes, in this sort of situation, it's a matter of your friends/partner/family basically being fairly unimaginative, conformist people. They believe that everybody (who isn't a wierdo, a foreigner or some sort of other 'outsider) thinks the same way as they do. Everyone loves Christmas, for instance. All women like 'pampering'. All men like sport. And everyone loves a party.
There's no real malice in such people: they're just thick. They cannot comprehend that those they love (who are, you know, Normal Decent People just like they think they themselves are) might not like what they like.

The worse sort are those who are determined to bully you into conforming by ignoring your wishes and emotionally blackmailing you. People like this will make arrangements for you and/or give you gifts that fit the person they want you to become. You will be berated, sulked at, sobbed at and threatened for not expressing vast amounts of gratitude and complying enthusiastically with whatever it is they have forced on you.

Don't know which type you have in your life, OP, but it's worth thinking about it.

swizzlers · 03/07/2017 09:14

DP tried to do this for my 30th, I scuppered his plans by booking myself a weekend away in Italy by myself . I didn't bother trying to talk him out of it (he was trying to keep it secret), just told him about my trip the day I was leaving and I had a fab time on my own. He and my friends ended up having a party anyway to not waste the food/venue but it was a bit awkward by all accounts and he's certainly learned not to spring surprises on me! Think about somewhere you've always wanted to go and just take yourself out of the situation. Don't put up with other people trying to dictate what you have to do, and make the plans that you want, not them.

PratStick · 03/07/2017 09:24

^A good friend threw a surprise 50th birthday party for her husband. He spent the entire evening with a face like a smacked arse, and was so rude to some of the guests they left early. He had also said he didn't want to celebrate his birthday AT ALL, but she ignored it.
Tell him straight, you don't have to be unkind or rude, just honest. A surprise party would be my idea of hell too^

That's no way for an adult to act, see also post re: trip to Italy.

It's one thing "punishing" your partner for an epic fuck up but not your friends who actually care and probably made an effort/ booked and paid babysitters/ bought gifts.

Tell him now like an adult, or suck it up

ComputerUserNotTrained · 03/07/2017 09:30

What Prat said.

misit · 03/07/2017 09:36

user147 "There's no real malice in these people; they're just thick."

You've obviously met my DH, that's made my day.

RiversrunWoodville · 03/07/2017 10:07

I'm definitely in the tell him you know and get it cancelled camp. Thankfully DH isn't really the party type and I've always made it clear how much I hate them (and surprises). It's my bf who is inclined towards organising one because "you'd love it really" thankfully DH warned her I would just walk out as I would not be able to cope

Original poster

getmeouttahere88 · 03/07/2017 10:12

Just an update...... spoke to DP last night and told him I knew about the party.
He said he thought my only objections would be that I didn't think that anyone would turn up and that he'd canvassed my friends before booking anything and he had more replies than the venue will allow, so didn't think there would be an issue.

I told him I would have wanted to be 'party ready' and he's thought of that and made arrangements for Dsis to take me off for the day for hair and nails etc on the pretence we were off out on a birthday date.
He really has thought of everything and asked friends about other friends who he should invite who he doesn't really know!

I'm still shocked but don't feel as horrified as I did yesterday!!
I feel anxious about it but I said we can go ahead and at least I can have a little input and make sure I look half decent!

OP posts:

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 10:31

Aww that's a great update. It sounds like you DH has tried. I hope it goes brilliantly and that you have a fab time.

Will you post an update? 😉

Lucisky · 03/07/2017 11:03

Yes pratstick, I agree with you, her husband was always a complete arse anyway, immature, moody and manipulative. I don't know what she saw in him.

ImogenTubbs · 03/07/2017 12:19

That's great news. I hope you have a brilliant time.

cakecakecheese · 03/07/2017 12:53

It sounds like he has given this some thought and is trying to make it so you'll enjoy it. Hopefully you will have a good time. Are you still going to have to pretend to be surprised?

PratStick · 03/07/2017 13:05

Just practice your face!

Lucie I'm always shocked by how many undeserving men seem to find partners

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 03/07/2017 13:09

Grief. I still wouldn't be impressed though, I hate this habit some people have of deciding they know better. I've told DH several times that I'd never want a surprise party, so guess what - he'd never throw me one! I get that he's put a lot of planning into this but he's just steamrollered over your objections to having a surprise party at all.

supermoon100 · 03/07/2017 13:32

Who ever compared it to booking bungee jumping for some one who has a fear of heights - madness! Heights can kill you, having a glass of wine and making conversation with your friends will not kill you. I'm sorry he's obviously got it wrong but don't crucify the guy for it

weekendwonder · 03/07/2017 13:46

You have made a compromise, and that's ok, but doesn't the fact that this happened in the first place concern you? You seemed curiously easy to persuade after having previously said how horrified and annoyed you were yesterday.

llangennith · 03/07/2017 14:03

I'd hate a surprise party too but as it's no longer a surprise I'm glad you're going to be able to look forward to it and enjoy it.

user1476869312 · 03/07/2017 14:28

If OP and her DP have reached a compromise she's happy with then good luck to them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/07/2017 16:35

Glad you got the courage to speak with him, and very glad he sounds like he was thoughtful about it even if he hadn't really understood your feelings on it fully.

If you're OK with going getme, I hope you have a really good time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/07/2017 20:40

Glad you told him and glad that you've reached a compromise that suits you.
Now that you have regained an element of control over the situation, hopefully you will actually enjoy the party after all

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