Discovered secret party :-(

[getmeouttahere88]

I feel sick!
Just today I have discovered that my lovely DP has organised a surprise party for my upcoming birthday. It's a big one but
we already have lovely plans made around that time and for as long as I can remember I've said that I just don't want a party! In fact I'd go as far as to say I couldn't think of anything worse and especially where it's supposed to be a surprise!
What the hell do I do?
If I was going to have one I'd want to at least have some part in the organisation (yes I'm a bit of a control freak) but also I'd like to be able to turn up to my own party looking as lovely as I possibly could, but if I don't know about it then I'm likely to leave the house in jeans and flip flops ffs!

I realise I sound ridiculously selfish and what DP is doing is such a lovely thing for me but I just feel I'm going to spent the next few month anxious over this!
I'm not a massive fan of partying let alone when I'm centre of attention.
How will he know to invite everyone I'd want?
What if no one comes?!
I'd just rather not but seems a venue is booked (don't know where) and people have been invited.
I also feel a really annoyed that I haven't been listened to or at least my very vocal feelings about a party have been ignored.
I don't really want to tell him I know either
What am I going to do?!

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I said to everyone that was likely to do it that I didnt want a 40th party. Guess what party loving "D"H did?

He loves parties, he loves a night that is all about him so he assumed that I would love it. It didnt. I didnt want it but I was talked into going ahead with the party (I found out too), and it was a farce. Less than half the invited guests turned up and I was mortified.

FFS tell him that you know and that you want it cancelled. Tell him that if he doesnt cancel you wont be there. That no, you wont love it when you get there, that you are not being ungratful and that he should stop assuming that because he would like it then you will too.

[MagentaRose72]

Tell him youve booked a ladies spa weekend for your birthday and wont be around? Its your birthday. Not his. Not your Mums. Stress how much youre looking forwards to peace and solitude with pampering
Elaborate some more about how youre looking forwards to your birthday treat of a spa and pamper, that you appreciate him and that youre so glad hes respecting your feelings about not wanting a party! ;) Watch him squirm and offer to pay for the spa weekend instead?

[Buffal0buttcheeks]

Whether you remind him that you don't want a surprise party or own up to knowing about it, make it clear that you have a surprise for anyone going and it's that you won't be there

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

I'd hate it. I hate surprises and need to plan everything otherwise I get panicky. After a few surprise weekends away my DH knows this, you could either tell him you know. Make something up about a work colleague who was thrown a surprise birthday and say thank heavens he would never do that as it would be you absolute worse nightmare and feel sick even thinking about it. Book something else that weekend

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

Honestly, you know you wont enjoy it, you don't want it, and theres still a few months in which he can presumably cancel and get a refund back.
Tell him you found out, and whilst you appreciate he meant well, you have made it very clear you don't like parties, especially surprise ones, and you don't want it.
Better to tell him now, let him sulk now, and be able to get most, if not all the money back, depending on the venues policy on deposits, and have the bad feeling out of the way when your birthday does come around.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Just tell him you've accidentally found out about it.
Worry about the rest after that - but fgs let him know WHY you're looking like a thundercloud! He'll worry about all sorts of other stuff if you don't!

I get you completely - I'd HATE a surprise party too - but it's not going to do either of you any good, you pretending you don't know, and him trying to keep a non-secret from you. You're going to just resent the hell out of the situation for the whole time until it happens, by which time you'll just be relieved to get it over with - and if it's a fair way off yet, he's going to wish he'd never bothered.

So please - just tell him you know. [thanks[

[ALittleMop]

Oh god yes just tell him/them straight out
Time for hints long gone, they've already convinced themselves its a good idea so they won't take them on board
Thanks but no thanks

[Notknownatthisaddress]

@nelliefivebellies

how is it nice to arrange something that you have been very clear in actual words that you really really really don't want?

it is not nice to do something that someone has been very clear they would hate because you have decided that you know better than they do what they want.

i would tell him tbh. it really isnt a nice thing. it is saying i am doing this because i think you ought to like it . i dont care that you say you dont like it. i know best.

fuck that. thats not nice.

This x a 100! ^

I am definitely in the 'he is an arse' camp.

What is it about men that they point blank refuse to fucking listen to your wishes sometimes? It's like they know best. Fucks me right off.

The boyfriend in the OP did listen and did hear what she said, but just went ahead and did what the fuck he wanted anyway. So annoying, it's like HE KNOWS BEST.

It's not a crime to not want to socialise or to not be grateful for something you DID NOT WANT. It's like when someone asks me if I want a drink, and I say no, and they bring me one anyway! It's like 'well I know what you requested, but I did what I wanted anyway.'

Cunts.

[Notknownatthisaddress]

Oh yeah and tell him you know, and you are livid about it and insist he cancels it because you WON'T be going.

[sparkli]

This is my idea of hell. DH and DC were well warned that I didn't want a party. Hate being the centre of attention, and, if I was to have a party, I'd need to be in control! I totally understand how you feel

I think you should tell him you know. At least that way you can take some control over the situation and perhaps make sure it is a little less stressful for you.

On the brightside, at least you won't turn up in jeans and flip flops, now!

[SoupDragon]

I wouldn't admit to knowing. I would just keep reiterating that I wouldn't enjoy a party. Make him squirm until he cancels.

I think the problem with this is that he might think "she'll love it when she's there!" And carry on. Being up front and bout about it is a better way I think.

[SoupDragon]

Blunt about it...

[PratStick]

Ok so you'd obviously prefer to plan the party yourself, but that can stressful and does it actually matter what kind of plates you have etc? I'm guessing he's put feelers out to find out if people will show before booking venue, so you don't need to worry about that.

You know the party is coming so you can get ready for it. Get your nails and hair done the week before so it's not obvious.

It sounds like if you were more in control you'd enjoy it. So take control.

[PratStick]

Oh and if you are really not keen I'd call the venue and say you just want to get an idea of what you would lose if you cancelled it.

If it's too late or he will lose a massive deposit then you can consider that before telling him you know

[rightwhine]

If I'd explicitly said I didn't want a party and then one was arranged I'd go apeshit. That isn't respectful or nice. It's mean. He's doing it because he wants one.

Don't go along with it. Tell him to cancel it. You can do it calmly and politely, but make it known you are not impressed.

[LionsOnTour]

I know it's the least popular choice but I'd go with the 'bugger it, it's done, I might as well enjoy it' line.

In fact that's the line I DID take when a friend organised a big going away party. If I had known about it I would have been horrified as I hate being centre of attention but when I got to the party I just thought I might as well try and enjoy it and I ended up having an amazing time. It's lovely not having to do any organising or agnsting....

I would pretend you don't know about it and wait until it happens. Perhaps you can keep a nice outfit ready to wear and have your makeup in your handbag.

I know you are meant to be angry and bitter about it but what's that going to achieve. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was going to be grumpy about reaching a big birthday when a friend pointed out I should be celebrating my health and general good fortune (i.e. Happy marriage, kids all happy etc etc). So I gave my head a wobble and celebrated my birthday wholeheartedly.

[Writerwannabe83]

I would tell him about a hypothetical friend you work for whose family arranged a surprise party (maybe makes out its a Baby shower?) for her after she'd said she didn't want one and how absolutely shocked you are that her wishes were just ignored!! Don't lay it on thick, just as a general chat over dinner or something but just make it clear how shocked you are about it and how sorry you feel for your friend because she's a) going to hate it and b) be really upset her family have completely disregarded her feelings.

[lanouvelleheloise]

I feel the same as you do about parties, and my ex-P organised a surprise one for me at the end of my PhD. At the time, I was absolutely exhausted, demoralised and ill, and the last thing I wanted to do was to socialise.

However, it was meant to be a genuinely lovely gesture, and when I did get stuck into it, I did actually start to enjoy it. I think sometimes it's good to go with the flow of these things and to allow a bit of spontaneity to happen. Sometimes it's exactly what you need. Try not to worry, and accept the organisation of this in the spirit it is intended. Do make sure you ALSO get the break that you want on top, though! It's not either/or, but and!

[rightwhine]

I think there is a world of difference in how I would respond to a surprise party depending on if it was a surprise arranged by someone who didn't know my feelings on surprise parties, or if it was arranged after saying I didn't want one.

In this case she had explicitly said she didn't want one, therefore it is plain disrespectful to organise one. That's not a loving gesture. It's the complete opposite.

[Mulledwine1]

Don't be all British about it and beat about the bush like some people have suggested on here. You told him and your family that you did not want a surprise (or any?) party. For some reason, they think they know better than you do.

Tell him and your mother that you do not want a party and you would like them to cancel it.

It does really annoy me when you make your views known and people ignore them. I didn't want video cameras at my wedding (it would be difficult now with everyone having smartphones that take videos, but back then, you needed a proper video camera/camcorder). I am not remotely telegenic and I at least wanted the illusion that I looked nice on my wedding day. Two people still turned up with them but they were peripheral guests and I didn't notice the cameras too much.

Anyway they sent the footage to my mum and she wanted me to watch it. She was really offended when I said I wouldn't watch it. I SAID I didn't want videos at my wedding! Sigh.

Anyway, your birthday, your choice. If they lose a deposit, tough. They should have listened to you. Don't let them get all offended either. They should have listened to you.

[AceholeRimmer]

I would hate this and DP would never do it. It's shit that no-one has listened to you. Does he think you're just saying it like some people do "oh I don't want any birthday presents" but really do? (Some people are nuts!) Or don't like the idea but think you'll enjoy it once its happening? I'm sure you've made it clear though, it sounds like you have. I don't get it..

[ImogenTubbs]

OP, there's a tone to your posts that makes me think that secretly you would quite like a party, as long as it was on your terms, but you're feeling anxious about how it will go. (I empathise, btw).

If that's really the case you should say something to your DH, in the kindest way, appreciating the love behind this gesture of his. Then perhaps you can feel an element of control and he won't feel like the effort has been wasted. Don't work yourself up about it. It's a party at the end of the day.

[cakecakecheese]

Is there anyone, a sibling, best friend etc you can ask about what's going on and see if they'll have a word, maybe downgrade it to a nice surprise meal somewhere? Otherwise you're going to have to tell him you don't want a party.

Or do a Monica and get really really drunk so your husband will have to take you home

[Umbrellifera]

If you are anything like me the idea of a surprise party would be horrible in every way.

The people planning it might be doing it for their own reasons, or they fancy a party and a bit of drama, subterfuge etc. Meanwhile it causes you acute embarrassment at all the fuss.

You have a few choices: tell them you know what's been happening and you would really prefer for it not to happen, the risk being they might take it badly if they really wanted a knees-up; plan something else on the scale you would prefer on or near the day and say you don't want anything else; get the celebration altered to something you feel you could cope with, say a dinner or theatre.