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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have kids if you were me.

87 replies

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 11:47

The have a lovely life with a DH who I am happy with. We have a small house that is tiny but perfect for the two of us and with careful planning we can have the mortgage paid off in 6 years (we live in a cheap part of the country), I run my own business and have slogged away over the past three years so that I don't have to work as hard in it anymore and it gives me a modest but perfectly reasonable full time wage for part time work but its unsociable hours and very physical and I don't think it would be compatible with pregnancy or having a baby.
We love our routine and my DH does not cope well with change or things happening out of the blue he is a bit of a loner and needs lots of time on his own.
My dh has a full time job that he mostly enjoys but writes in his spare time and one day would like to give up work to follow this (hopefully when we've paid the mortgage off this will be doable).

I am turning 30 soon and I'm feeling my biological clock ticking but I can't work out if I ACTUALLY want children or if I just feel the pressure of fomo.
If we had a baby I'd have to give up the work that I live for, for at least the short term, my husband would never be able to give up his job and become a writer as we'd have to move to a bigger house which would mean a jump of around 100k and doubling our mortgage.
Now we have a very peaceful and easy life but we would have to give that up, we'd also have to give up our holidays as we wouldn't be able to afford it with a child as I'd have to slow down my business.
My husband is an only child and I feel bad not giving his parents any grandchildren and I think if I magically win the lottery I would definitely have a child but I'm torn to whether a child is worth the drop in quality of life.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 02/07/2017 11:51

I think it boils down to if YOUR want children or not, don't have children for social pressures have them because you can't imagine your life in 20 years without them.

Original poster
SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 11:53

That's the thing I can't tell.

I can't imagine my life in twenty years in any way.

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 02/07/2017 11:53

Then why would anyone else ?

Pickleypickles · 02/07/2017 11:54

Be able to imagine your life in 20 years I mean. Your only 30 you still have a few years to decide anyway 🙂

Original poster
SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 11:56

Because sometimes it's easier to tell from the outside, when you're in it is sometimes difficult to seperate what's going on in your heart and your head.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/07/2017 11:57

Just something about his writing. If he doesn't have the urge to write a novel in the evenings and weekends, then he shouldn't think of giving up work to do it. Very, very few writers publish their first book when they've got all the time in the world and very, very few can live off their advances. I think that given you don't have children and he has plenty of time, he should be writing books and submitting them while he's working full time.

FloatyCat · 02/07/2017 11:58

We can't tell you.
What I can say from experience is little children make lots of demands on your time, money and need constant attention. When they are teens, they still need you but their needs & problems are different.
Your dh will not get much quiet time if you have a baby.

Laiste · 02/07/2017 12:00

How do you know? Well - we're all different so it's hard to say.

But my opinion is this: When you properly want to have children (rather than feel you should) the house, the job, the early mortgage pay off and the perfect life will gradually pale into insignificance in comparison to the urge to have a child.

This is just my opinion. It's what i'd say if a mate asked me.

Original poster
SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 12:01

He is writing a novel, he gets up at 5am to write and writes 1000 words a day every day without fail. He mostly writes science fiction and has had work published.
Giving up work would be the long game and would be a combo of him going freelance doing the job he does now (copywriting) and writing what he's passionate about. We would only do this if we had paid off the mortgage so it would be in 6 years if all goes to plan but we couldn't do that if we had to move.

OP posts:
Laiste · 02/07/2017 12:03

And that's how it should be really. Because having a child is bloody hard work and a total upheaval of your life. You really need to want the child enough to find that acceptable.

IYSWIM?

tinydancer88 · 02/07/2017 12:04

Whether or not to have children is a hugely personal decision.

If you're not hugely enthusiastic about the idea, I'd imagine that's your answer. Don't have them if you don't really want them, as it sounds as if it would require a big adjustment to your lifestyle and plans for the future.

Do NOT have one because you feel you 'owe' it to the in-laws.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 12:06

Your life sounds idyllic. I have a son and another baby due in two weeks and I'm permanently exhausted.

I also used to enjoy writing novels in my spare time but I haven't had a chance to even think about doing that for almost 4 years now Sad

In your situation I would put children on the back burner for a few years and enjoy being happy and rested for some more time!! Smile

Sanscollier · 02/07/2017 12:07

It's difficult because the decision to have a child (other than ideally having stable relationship/sufficient income etc) can't really be made on a rational basis.

You've listed a lot if reasons why a baby would have a negative impact in financial/career and practical terms and that's very likely to be the case. But the reason it is difficult to advise is, that you could suffer all those negative impacts and regret your decision OR you could suffer those negative impacts and not care because you love the baby so much! It is hard to be rational about something as powerful and profound as love for a child that is strong enough to send you leaping in front of a bus for them, without thought or hesitation.

How does your dh feel about it?

It comes across in your post that your life is quite planned and organised. Children have a way of arriving and turning things upside down and making you feel as though things are not within your control anymore. That is not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it is good to be challenged and shaken up - and a child certainly does that. I think you really need to want a child to survive the ups and downs and run with the challenges though!

Good luck with your decision.

Mrbrownstone · 02/07/2017 12:08

Doesnt sound like you want children op. Nothing wrong with that

GreenTulips · 02/07/2017 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman · 02/07/2017 12:10

Why would you have to move to a bigger house? Is it only a one bedroom? Cos if it's a two bed then you don't.

TrampyCat · 02/07/2017 12:12

What does dh want? What are the positives of having children (in your life I mean) as you've listed a lot of cons.

Sanscollier · 02/07/2017 12:14

As an aside, since having (just one child) I've gone from reading approx two novels a week to reading about 6 novels in 13.5 yrs - never mind writing them! Just don't have the emotional energy to invest in fictional characters anymore!

Mulch · 02/07/2017 12:15

What laist said. When I wanted kids I really wanted kids, I was happy to prioritise that and didn't mourn previous priorities

Sanscollier · 02/07/2017 12:16

Yes Laiste has nailed it.

araiwa · 02/07/2017 12:17

No, i wouldnt

It doesnt sound like you want them and it would detriment your current life that you enjoy

corythatwas · 02/07/2017 12:20

Having a child is something both parents should want and be prepared to commit to (unless of course there only is one parent, e.g. single parent adopting). It must be miserable to grow up with a parent who doesn't really want you or thinks you get in the way.

So the questions to ask yourself are:

do I want a baby?

does my dh want a baby? (his life will have to change too)

would we still want one even if grandparents and friends weren't there? (remember, it's you two, not the GPs or friends, who will need to make that child feel wanted, and the child will still be around when the GPs are dead and friends have moved out of your life)

I wouldn't worry too much about the size of the house: children can be brought up happily in cramped spaces. But I would worry about a dh who copes badly with changes of routine. Babies and young children require constant adaptation of routine, and once they are there, their needs trump yours.

Original poster
SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 12:21

Dh just says he wants me to be happy and doesn't mind either way.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirls · 02/07/2017 12:22

Having children changes absolutely every aspect of your life, it's really hard to advise others. I love mine and we enjoy our life with them but I do mourn for the things I can't do now.

BaronessBomburst · 02/07/2017 12:24

I had life set up just as I liked it, then had an unplanned baby at 38. Everyone else wanted the baby, yet it was my life that changed. There was a lot of anger and resentment in the early years, although never directed at DS. I love him to bits and we're very close. It was very, very hard to lose my life as I knew it for the unrelenting demands of a baby and young child, with no money, no sleep, and no support.
That said, if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without him now. BUT if I hadn't have had a baby, I wouldn't have regretted it either.