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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have kids if you were me.

87 replies

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 11:47

The have a lovely life with a DH who I am happy with. We have a small house that is tiny but perfect for the two of us and with careful planning we can have the mortgage paid off in 6 years (we live in a cheap part of the country), I run my own business and have slogged away over the past three years so that I don't have to work as hard in it anymore and it gives me a modest but perfectly reasonable full time wage for part time work but its unsociable hours and very physical and I don't think it would be compatible with pregnancy or having a baby.
We love our routine and my DH does not cope well with change or things happening out of the blue he is a bit of a loner and needs lots of time on his own.
My dh has a full time job that he mostly enjoys but writes in his spare time and one day would like to give up work to follow this (hopefully when we've paid the mortgage off this will be doable).

I am turning 30 soon and I'm feeling my biological clock ticking but I can't work out if I ACTUALLY want children or if I just feel the pressure of fomo.
If we had a baby I'd have to give up the work that I live for, for at least the short term, my husband would never be able to give up his job and become a writer as we'd have to move to a bigger house which would mean a jump of around 100k and doubling our mortgage.
Now we have a very peaceful and easy life but we would have to give that up, we'd also have to give up our holidays as we wouldn't be able to afford it with a child as I'd have to slow down my business.
My husband is an only child and I feel bad not giving his parents any grandchildren and I think if I magically win the lottery I would definitely have a child but I'm torn to whether a child is worth the drop in quality of life.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
BobbinThreadbare123 · 02/07/2017 13:23

I am similar to you, OP. I am a little older. Never wanted kids, never had that biological clock tick, and after considering it I know not adding to the population is the right path for me. DH and I are fairly quiet and introverted and ASD means that I like a routine. Preferably one without mess! I don't think FOMO is a good reason to breed; I've seen a few friends have children because it's the 'done thing' after marriage, house, settled job etc. They don't seem to have thought about the impact and several are really resentful of their partner's career as they've taken the maternity leave hit.

Perhaps keep it ticking over in the back of your mind. I know I'm fulfilled in my partnership with DH and don't need to add anyone else, but you might suddenly get that longing for a baby, or you might not!

DrinkReprehensibly · 02/07/2017 13:23

It sounds similar to how I have been feeling Op, except I've been feeling that way for a long time and I'm now 36. I'm happy in my life and think I couldn't cope with the change. I don't feel any desperate need for a child and just felt the nagging guilt of not providing a grandchild for my DM (although she's always been supportive of my choices, but you can tell).

The relief I felt when my brother announced that him and his girlfriend are having a baby soon sealed the deal. There was no jealously, just huge relief, such that I accidentally blurted out "the pressure's off me now" to my DM. Thankfully she found it funny because nothing could knock her happiness about it. I have a very understanding family, thankfully!

Trills · 02/07/2017 13:28

If I were ME, I would not have children.

If I were you, who knows? You'll probably have a perfectly OK life either way, but it'll be a very different "nice life".

Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it.

Benedikte2 · 02/07/2017 13:29

OP look around a older couples who did not have children and whose lifestyle reflects that. To you do their lives look fulfilled or rather empty? My recently deceased aunt was too busy to have children she had a very social life and somehow the years passed and she did regret it towards the end of her life. She was widowed, her close friends died or became too infirm to socialise and in the end she felt there was nothing left in her life to live for.
Of course there must be plenty of women who are happy to remain childless but are you one of them?
If a doctor told you tomorrow, That he was sorry but you are unable to have a child, how would you feel? Relieved or devastated?

MumazAZ09 · 02/07/2017 13:36

Sounds as though you have a pretty good idea of what having children entails! I think the only question is whether, for all the sacrifices, you feel that you can't go through your life happy without being a parent. Wishing you all the best, whatever choice you make!

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 02/07/2017 13:36

OP I haven't seen a single word from you that says you want children at all.

redladybird · 02/07/2017 13:40

You still have time at 30. You might regret not having children but you won't regret having them!

Summerswallow · 02/07/2017 13:45

You don't need to buy a bigger house or leave your job forever, or forget your husband writing at all- these things are conditions you are putting on yourself to convince yourself not to go ahead, which is fine, but they are not conditions of having a child! A two bed house is perfect for a couple and one child. You will have mat leave, then can put the child in childcare if you prefer (or perhaps share this with husband if he likes being at home/working pt) and get back to building your business. Children aren't tiny forever. If your husband wants to write, then it will take longer to get to the no mortgage/peace and quiet stage for sure, but it won't necessarily be gone forever. My children are early teens and I write most days.

If you are not keen, though, just don't have any! I have very good friends who are glad they chose to be child-free and this is a valid choice to make.

Sunshinegirls · 02/07/2017 13:48

I genuinely feel sick at the thought of having a child to worry about too.

Don't have kids yet. Have another think in a couple of years, see how you feel then.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 13:49

You might regret not having children but you won't regret having them!

I wish people wouldn't say this so glibly. People do regret having children, it's just that they don't tend to talk about it, it's not socially acceptable to say such things.

DoubleHelix79 · 02/07/2017 13:55

For a long time I was also very unsure whether I wanted children.

Throughout my 20s and early 30s there wasn't any need to make a decision, and I preferred to focus on my career, traveling etc As I got to the second half of my 30s I figured I should probably make up my mind one way or another (DH was very clear that it would be entirely my decision).

I didn't feel 'broody' at all, and the idea of having children felt quite abstract and theoretical. What finally helped me decide was imagining NOT having had any children. It felt sad and not quite right.

My DD was born in March and even though it's hard, it feels completely right.

LadyLapsang · 02/07/2017 13:55

How do you think you would feel if you split up with DH in 10-15 years time and he went on to have children with someone else, but it was too late for you?

sadsquid · 02/07/2017 13:56

You might regret not having children but you won't regret having them!

Except this isn't true. People do have regrets. They just don't feel able to say so.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 14:00

but you won't regret having them!

Yes you probably will, sometimes on a regular basis when they are going through difficult phases (I'm looking at you teenage years).

Luckily most parents don't out and out regret having children, though I know one person who does. She had no concept of the restrictions it would put on her social life and finances and she's actually pretty resentful Sad

sadsquid · 02/07/2017 14:04

OP, I turned my life upside down to have kids - we moved 100 miles from a town I loved, and 100 miles away from all our family, because without my salary we couldn't afford to live there at all. It was fucking hard and I am honestly only now getting over the homesickness (DD is 7), but I never even thought of not doing it because I was that certain I wanted a baby. Even though in my teens and early twenties I'd been convinced I wouldn't have kids.

If you're not sure, I say hold off. You have a bit of time left. Don't rush into it. Even staying in the same house (which you definitely could), it will change you in unimaginable ways. Hard to weather the changes if they're not underpinned by the essential certainty of I want this. That's my take on it anyway.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 14:07

No, I would not. It doesn't sound, from your posts, as if you want any?

How would you feel if you found out today that you were pregnant? That might give you an idea.

Original poster
SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 16:46

Well I would feel devastated if I split up with dh and he went on to have children with someone else but I feel just as upset imagining me having children and then dh leaving me for a free and single younger model.

I also totally get that argument about having children so you have someone in your old age but is having children really a guarantee of that? I have relatives whose children have become nc with them so are in the same position.

I feel all the positive reasons are really selfish (not that having children is selfish just that all the reasons for me is selfish).

OP posts:
Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 16:52

God no, don't have them to look after you in old age!

The number of elderly people who are all but ignored by their families. I know someone who works with the elderly and she says it's awful how little anyone in their families bothers with the people she works with. My DGM had two dc. One moved overseas and the other (my mother) died a few years ago. My GM is still going strong bless her. All of her GC live far away too, so she rarely sees any of us either.

Please don't have children if you don't want them! I think not having children if it isn't right for you is an admirable choice.

Alittlepotofrosie · 02/07/2017 17:05

You won't understand the positive until you have them, which makes it hard to decide. The positive is that you have a baby who you love more than life itself. The negatives are always what people want to talk to you about - not always true. Not all babies are nightmare sleepers who cry all the time. Not everyone struggles. Other people's children are a pain in the arse. Your own is the most amazing person to ever walk the planet.

Just because you don't want them now it doesn't mean you won't want them at all. You might change your mind in a couple of years. In which case id be wary of your husband's plan to give up work, if your bills are paid by your business and its something you can't do while pregnant/ with a young child. Your plans as a couple might need to be flexible unless you're certain you definitely never want children.

I was sceptical before i decided to go for it and my twins are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without my children. But if you're ready to make some sacrifices then you might be ready. Theres never a really good time.

But if you don't want them that's fine.

Alittlepotofrosie · 02/07/2017 17:07

The only reason i had for having children was because i wanted them. I didn't have a huge "i must get pregnant right now " urge. I worked out how many i wanted ideally, what age i wanted to be done having kids, and what the ideal age gap was and worked backwards from there and realised i had to start around age 32. That's it.

ginorwine · 02/07/2017 17:11

I kno this might sound odd , but it's not just a baby .. it's a toddler , a ten year old , a teen , a young adult ... it's forever . I wish someone had told me that . I simply didn't think of it . The biological urge took over and I was desperate to have a baby . I must say much as I love my dc my dh and I got on much better before we had dc . We had more time and more energy and more choices . I think it wd be different if you are the sort of oerson that enjoys family and group things - I don't and much as I loved the toddler years etc I spent much of my life doing things that I wanted to do for them such as having a house full of visiting kids
, slow short walks not long long ones , watching sport . Did it for them but struggled to get time for jyst dh and I . If I was a different person it wd have felt different - I would ask yourself who you are abd what makes you happy ?
Saying that the love you feel towards a child -even when doing annoying activities - is amazing !

grangehilldays · 02/07/2017 17:19

You r only 30! That's not as old as you might think! I'd wait 4 or 5 years and c how u feel then.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/07/2017 18:43

I thought I didn't want children until I got 29 then it was BANG, I need to have children NOW! I think if you're unsure about it I'd leave it, if you're just coming up on 30 there is still time, kids take up all your time, money and energy, there's no way I could have signed up for that if I hadn't been 100% sure.

How does your DH feel?

Trills · 02/07/2017 18:46

If your DH says he will do whatever you choose, I'd take that as an indication that you should not have children.

The amount of work that men have to do in order to feel like they are doing their bit, and be praised as such a good dad is pretty low. A man who does not especially want children has no motivation to do more than meet the low expectations that society has of him.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 18:47

I thought I didn't want children until I got 29

Blimey, you must really like children Shock