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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you would have kids if you were me.

87 replies

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 11:47

The have a lovely life with a DH who I am happy with. We have a small house that is tiny but perfect for the two of us and with careful planning we can have the mortgage paid off in 6 years (we live in a cheap part of the country), I run my own business and have slogged away over the past three years so that I don't have to work as hard in it anymore and it gives me a modest but perfectly reasonable full time wage for part time work but its unsociable hours and very physical and I don't think it would be compatible with pregnancy or having a baby.
We love our routine and my DH does not cope well with change or things happening out of the blue he is a bit of a loner and needs lots of time on his own.
My dh has a full time job that he mostly enjoys but writes in his spare time and one day would like to give up work to follow this (hopefully when we've paid the mortgage off this will be doable).

I am turning 30 soon and I'm feeling my biological clock ticking but I can't work out if I ACTUALLY want children or if I just feel the pressure of fomo.
If we had a baby I'd have to give up the work that I live for, for at least the short term, my husband would never be able to give up his job and become a writer as we'd have to move to a bigger house which would mean a jump of around 100k and doubling our mortgage.
Now we have a very peaceful and easy life but we would have to give that up, we'd also have to give up our holidays as we wouldn't be able to afford it with a child as I'd have to slow down my business.
My husband is an only child and I feel bad not giving his parents any grandchildren and I think if I magically win the lottery I would definitely have a child but I'm torn to whether a child is worth the drop in quality of life.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

chocolateworshipper · 02/07/2017 12:29

Just based on the way your post is worded, it doesn't sound to me as if you really want children. Definitely don't do it because you think his parents deserve grandchildren

Giantwhoopsie · 02/07/2017 12:35

Time is on your side at the moment, you still have a few years to mull it over.

I was just like you, very happy with my life as it was, very happy with my DH, and we both loved our freedom, our holidays, and fortunately our jobs.

Then I had a bit of a FOMO moment (well several months of FOIMO), and I started to wonder if I would regret not having children. Three years and two babies later our freedom and luxury holidays have been replaced with exhaustion and trips to the local park but we love it! Time passes so quickly, life is short and I wanted to experience everything life had to offer so when I'm old and sitting in my tena ladies staring out the window in a care home I don't have any regrets. :)

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 02/07/2017 12:38

Doesn't sound like either of you are that bothered, which usually means don't do it.

I would have given up everything you have because I knew I really wanted kids. If you really wanted kids, I don't think you'd need to ask a bunch of strangers online.

Rufus27 · 02/07/2017 12:39

I used to feel like this.

It wasnt until I got to my 40s (when it was too late) that I realised my lifestyle and career wasnt 'all that' after all. I started seeing friends' children grow up and friends' lives becoming easier (ie kids were now more independent) and I saw they had a whole extra dimension to their lives which we didnt have.

Have recently adopted and have to say that I miss none of my old lifestyle (OK, the lie ins and the freedom to spend without thinking too hard - I do sometimes miss those) but DS makes up for this a million times over. My life is very different with a DC, but no worse.

I am not a risk taker (massive under statement!) and looking back, I realise it wasn't that I didn't want children, but I was scared of the unknown, scared of losing the tight control I had on my life. Everyone is different, and your set up may be totally different, but thought I'd share my story in case it resonates.

Sunshinegirls · 02/07/2017 12:41

I agree with not having them for the grandparents. During our first pregnancy both sets of parents were so excited and it was heartwarming, however we get zero help from any of them (not that we expect it but it would be unbelievably handy so we can get a night out) and they barely visit or want to be part of their lives, but do enjoy sharing their (mostly unwelcome) opinions on how to raise their grandchildren.

jimijack · 02/07/2017 12:42

Thing is things change.
I had absolutely no intention nor inclination to have children until something...and I have no idea what, hit me like a wet fish!
I was in my 30`s, but then we couldn't have a baby.

Entirely your decision, I will say though that if the "need" overtakes the "want" then you will stop at nothing to have a child, it is an overwhelming and all encompassing constant feeling.

Sounds like you have a lovely life, enjoy the now, the future will be there anyway. You never know what is around the corner.

user1497480444 · 02/07/2017 12:45

Don't plan a child unless you are sure you want one. Of course if an unplanned one happens along, you will love it and cope like everyone else.

Augustbabyyeah · 02/07/2017 12:49

I think it's down to the urge to have a baby. I don't think you can analyse it. You either want children or you don't.

AmITwirly · 02/07/2017 12:57

I agree with PPs who have said it doesn't sound like you really, really want a child right now. If/when the biological urge hits, it will be so overwhelming, like a pain gnawing away at you inside, that there'll be no way of ignoring it.

I would also be wary of a DH who isn't good with change yet says to you that it's up to you to decide whether to have a DC or not. IME that means that he doesn't expect his life to change: he expects you to do it all. Just saying.

deckoff · 02/07/2017 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2017 12:58

Tbh at 29 it's extremely early to be thinking of stopping work to do a hobby and pay off the mortgage. Do you want anything else from life? Travel, new friends, interests etc?

It's not wrong to not want any of that but most people are still just getting their lives going at your age. Your dh is being too passive in giving you the decision. He will be jointly responsible. That said there's no reason why he can't continue to write, it just may not be to his exact schedule.

Give it more thought and remember you have plenty of time for DC but also many other exciting things life has on offer.

9toenails · 02/07/2017 13:02

I don't think anyone can make this decision for you. But in helping you to make your own mind up, yes it can be helpful to have others' experiences in mind.

Me, the best thing I ever did in life was have children. I've done other stuff -- successful career, travelled the world, various achievements I'm glad about. But, looking back, and considering my life now with children and grandchildren, what's made my life overall fulfilled and happy, I can see (as it nears its end), is the family I started and helped grow.

Not everyone, I'm aware, feels the same. Nor will you necessarily be as lucky as me in life. (I'm aware that much if not most of the happiness I have is down to luck rather than desert.) There are other ways of being happy and fulfilled, for sure. But one way is to have children.

Good luck with your decision!

MrsOverTheRoad · 02/07/2017 13:02

Why do you "have to move" to have a a child though? Have you only one bedroom?

iloveeverykindofcat · 02/07/2017 13:02

Does he realistically understand what the author's cut is for a first novel or non-fiction of comparable length? People vastly overestimate how much money writers and musicians make. I'm not saying he shouldn't do it just that its very unusual for 'writer' to be feasible day job. Most writers work at least PT in salaried jobs.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 13:03

A rally big factor for me is that a grew up really poor and I never felt secure as a child (for more reasons than the poverty) so now I am an adult stability is such a big thing for me that I genuinely feel sick at the thought of having a child to worry about too.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 02/07/2017 13:04

I think the fact that you said you would definitely have one if you won the lottery would indicate to me that yes it is something you want so you probably should at least try or you may regret it .

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 02/07/2017 13:04

Look, conceiving can be hard. Pregnancy can be hard. Having a baby can be hard. Parenting can be hard.

Kids make it worth it, though.

DH & I are both pretty introverted. Having DS has thrown our usual rhythms right out the window. But we cope, plus nurseries are available. I don't regret having him, but we won't be having another. One is plenty for us.

Only have a kid if you're very, very sure it's what you want. It can't be a shrug sort of deal. They will take over your lives. Only you can know whether the reward for that is worth it to you.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 13:06

We are perfectly aware of how much money he can make as a writer thank you. Like I say it would be a combination of going freelance on the job he already has now and writing for his passion, if we didn't have our mortgage to pay my business would easily cover all our bills.

OP posts:

MumazAZ09 · 02/07/2017 13:08

Do you have any friends with small children that you can spend some time with? I'm not sure you can ever fully prepare for the extent to which your life changes when you have children, but you can try doing some "research" by hanging out with young kids and seeing what your tolerance levels for them are like. I spent a long weekend with my godson in his terrible twos phase. At the end of the weekend, I knew that, for all the stress, repetition and boredom involved in amusing a child, I still wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world. I have other close friends who, having spent more time around other people's kids, realised that they find the company of children mind-numbing and that they'd regret sacrificing everything they love about their current lives for motherhood.

IrritatedUser1960 · 02/07/2017 13:09

I'm torn about this, I have one son I adore and I'm so glad I have him (he's 35) and he is my best friend as well as my son.
However, I gave up my own life for motherhood which was often boring and hard work and I knew I definitely didn't want any more.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 13:09

How small can your house be that you couldn't fit one child into it? People have kids in very small places.

I think you're making excuses not to, which means you don't really want to.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 13:10

Oh I should have also said we have lots and lots of friends, we travel and are very close to my nieces. My life is not empty at all and the business I run is incredibly fulfilling I don't want to put myself too much but my business is very sociable and it can grow as much or as little as I want it to.

OP posts:

Original poster

SentientCushion · 02/07/2017 13:12

My house is a two bed semi and you're rug too it COULD hold a baby I just probably wouldn't want it to. I think you're right about me making excuses.

This is probably very outing now but I part of my business is working with Pre and postnatal women and I think seeing just how hard it is and how much it changes people's lives has put me off.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/07/2017 13:17

If you're happy now and don't have a driving desire to have dc, then don't. I don't think you'd regret having children and you would adapt, but if you can be happy as you are, why not just enjoy what you have.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 13:20

A 2 bed semi is a perfectly normal sized house for 2 adults and a child of any age. You could easily house a baby, a toddler, a teen.

You don't want children now though, or you would know it.

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