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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let this irritate me hugely??

119 replies

lovehoney69 · 30/06/2017 20:31

Hi!!i have a dp of just over a year (not dc's dad) who does something that is beginning to REALLY wind me up. Whenever I do something I do something he disapproves of eg eating too much, having a chocolate when friends offer one, watching a program he dislikes etc he will say sharply "ah-ah"
Like the sort of sound you make to a young toddler who's about to eat a coin or touch the fire. I find it ridiculously irritating and have explained many times that I feel like he's treating me like a small child when he does it. He does shrugs and says I'm being silly. Last night he did it because I was pulling a tag off a new item of clothing and I lost the plot and shouted "fuck off with the ah-ah's!!!" (Yes not my finest hour I admit!!) now he's sulking and demanding I apologise for my uncalled for outburst. So AIBU to get so wound up by this? Would you?

OP posts:

flumpybear · 02/07/2017 08:38

Lions I was being a bit tongue in cheek about the slap bit - goodness things are taken so literally in Mumsnet sometimes

Ok - controlling, keep calling him out on it and if he doesn't stop it gets worse I'd consider leaving him but I wouldn't put up with it

happypoobum · 02/07/2017 08:45

Is this recent behaviour? I would have thought if he had done this from day one, the relationship would never have progressed?

It sounds like as he feels more comfortable he thinks he can control you more?

I agree with PP - you have the perfect opportunity here to tell him that if he does this again it's over. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

ShinyGirl · 02/07/2017 08:51

Next time he does it, ask him if he's Alan Partridge.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2017 11:03

@ShinyGirl - brilliant.

@lovehoney69 has he been doing it again? Did you empty the wheelie bin and look up human origami?

I mentioned this in passing to my husband, his words were
"if I dared ah ah to you, I'd live to regret it"

Wise words.

vikingprincess81 · 02/07/2017 11:06

*30/06/2017 20:35 Jengnr

Next time he tries to walk in your house say 'ah-ah' and slam the door on the fucker.

And keep it shut.*

That right there is all the advice you need

Bishybarnybee · 02/07/2017 11:15

Obviously this is out of order and you cannot put up with it any longer.

But I think you need to think about whether he is a good partner otherwise. A year in is still in the "forming" stage of the relationship. He could be a good man who cares about you and just have no idea how out of order this is.

Is he slightly socially awkward generally? Because some men who have Asperger's type qualities need very clear direction as to what is and isn't acceptable. And once they understand your rules can be very solid, loyal partners.

If I wanted to keep the relationship I would try and be very calm, apologise for the shouting, but state very firmly that this is a deal breaker for you. And be prepared to end it if he won't listen to you.

If there is any good in the relationship, it doesn't matter that everyone on mumsnet agrees with you. That can make you feel like you have the moral high ground but it doesn't improve your relationship one bit. If you want to make it work, you have to find ways to state your boundaries clearly to him - and stick to them.

Good luck!

JessicaEccles · 02/07/2017 11:48

We need a scream emoticon - aspergers does not make a man a controlling twat who has to treat his partner like a slightly dim child

Butterymuffin · 02/07/2017 11:55

So he thinks he should get to tell you to stop eating chocolate (or anything else) or to stop watching a TV programme? Seriously, do you not see how unacceptable this is, regardless of the words/noises he utters? If he'd said 'that's enough chocolate now, put it away please' that wouldn't be any better!

goodelfallover · 02/07/2017 12:00

Is he Alan Partridge?

pigsDOfly · 02/07/2017 12:21

I've read the whole thread and haven't seen anywhere that the OP has said he has Asperger's, unless it's an enormous drip feed. I rather suspect it's more a case that he's just an irritating know it all.

Surprised you managed to keep your patience for a year OP, and he's telling you you're being silly to get annoyed by it?

Another one agreeing with Jengnr.

Original poster

lovehoney69 · 02/07/2017 17:01

Nope, not aspergers as far as I'm aware. Generally strong minded, has strong opinions and feels that if somebody disagrees with him then they are in the wrong, but socially very personable and good at getting along with people. We don't live together and I've taken a weekend to focus on my ds. I'm not sure things are working though, after the outburst and this thread I've been reflecting and realising that even though he has some great qualities, generous, reliable, good looking, good in bed.... I don't feel completely safe and comfortable in the relationship. I'm always on edge and on my best behaviour with him. After a year we should have become more relaxed shouldn't we? I also don't want ds growing up thinking that seeing his mum being put down is "normal"

OP posts:

Ilikecheeriosyum · 02/07/2017 17:06

Wow!!!!!

That my friend is the EXACT noise we use when training dogs at work,

Look up Victoria stillwell on YouTube :
She's the first person I thought of when i read this!! That's the noise!!!!!

So DO disrespectful! Why does he think you should do as you are told and need correcting on your choices?

I'd be saying never do it again, three strikes and you are gone. That is an absolute deal breaker for me!

Ilikecheeriosyum · 02/07/2017 17:06

so So

Pickerel · 02/07/2017 17:23

Hope you're ok, OP. Spending some time with your DS and reflecting on whether this is working seems like a great plan. Good luck whatever you decide

Original poster

lovehoney69 · 02/07/2017 17:31

Thank you Pickerel 😊

OP posts:

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 02/07/2017 18:35

Just go "woof, woof" back at him as he clearly thinks he's training a dog
But seriously, his reaction to being asked to stop it (calling you "silly") does not bode well.

humblesims · 02/07/2017 18:39

I don't feel completely safe and comfortable in the relationship. I'm always on edge and on my best behaviour with him
Read that back to yourself and ask yourself what advice you would give to someone who was saying that to you. Get out now while you still have control.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2017 20:25

@lovehoney69 you can't stay in a relationship where you are frequently on edge. Even less so in a one which makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. You don't sound especially happy. Being attractive, sociable and good in the sack is only really great if you also really like and gel with the person in question. I don't think you do.

I know I've had a bit of a joke about the milk monitor and Alan partridge but in all seriousness, the fact he makes you feel those things and does THAT thing makes me thing he is a latent control freak. Not a healthy role model for your young son who will in time pick up on the dynamic.

I'd walk away from this to be frank.

Original poster

lovehoney69 · 02/07/2017 23:41

Ginliness yes I agree, I think I've reached that point and need to have that conversation.

OP posts:

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