AIBU to feel sad about DD refusing to go to prom

[supersop60]

Back in the day we didn't have prom, so I'm aware it's a recent thing. My daughter has had a terrible yr 11 (I have posted previously). She has been living with diagnose anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. She had a lot of time off school, and did manage to do her GCSEs, but not much revision. She hates school, dislikes most of her peers, and several of the teachers. So tomorrow evening she and 3 friends are going out for a meal and then having a ritual 'blazer burning' in the garden. Fair enough, it's what she wants to do.
AIBU to feel just a little bit sad that we haven't been to buy a prom dress, hair, shoes etc like so many of the 16 yr olds I see pics of, on Facebook.

I'm waiting for people to tell me this is more about me than her.......

YABU

dd has the right idea

yabu

Yanbu but what she's doing tomorrow night is so much better for her emotionally. I'm sure one day there'll be a special occasion you can prepare for in a similar way.

She sound like my kind of girl.
Love that she knows her own mind and rejects the pressure to conform.

Good for her!

I get where you are coming from but think your DD plan sounds much healthier for her. Use the money you have saved on the prom dress to buy her something really special for college, job or whatever.

YANBU to feel sad but you would be to communicate it to your daughter - but I think you know that. It's always hard when things are tough for your DC and I think it's partly what this symbolises - how difficult life is for her, and probably your whole family - and because SM makes it look like everyone else's life is perfect.
I hope these pangs pass soon and wishing you strength as you support your lovely DD.

I do see where you're coming from OP. However, ultimately, it is your DD's choice I do feel for her.

I think that events like proms or leavers' balls at schools also create an awful lot of unwanted and unnecessary pressure. Your DD's plans sound lovely!

If your DD is happy, then the best course of action is to support her and encourage her to do what she enjoys doing rather than do what her peers are doing if that will make her unhappy.

The main thing is she's happy. But YANBU to feel a bit sad. I would be of my DS wasn't going. It's nice to see them all dressed up and going out to have a good time.

My ds2 didnt go to his one. His decision, he didnt want to hang out with people he didnt like much.
Sounds as if she 'll have more fun doung her own thing. Good for her.

She sounds a lot like me. I was popular but preferred my own space, with a few very close friends and didn't like school or social occasions. I did go to my end party, but hated it and left early to hang out with my mates in my jeans and adidas and play Oasis (90s!). I don't regret it.
Don't be sad.

Good on her. Sounds a much better evening. You do know that you don't have to wait for her to have a prom to buy her shoes or a nice dress?

Honestly? If that's how she wants to celebrate the end of her school time (which sounds as if it was a bit of a 'mare), then I'd support her!

I can understand where you're coming from, watching others on FB, but that's them, not your family. It's great she has some friends doing this with her.

I didn't go to my prom for the same reasons. I don't regret it at all. If she's sure, she's sure, and it's nice that she has friends to celebrate it with.

I didn't go to my A Level leavers ball. I just didn't have the confidence to pull off a posh frock and hairdo.
Nowadays, I love hair, clothes, makeup etc. I'd love a chance to go to a do like that. But at 18, I froze at the prospect. I remember helping my best friend buy her dress and get ready on the night, but I just couldn't.
I understand why you feel sad about it. I regret it now.

Best you can do is support her. Is there a different outfit she'd like?
If my mum had bought me a new pair of DMs to mark the occasion, I'd have loved it!!

I found it quite freeing, like a big fuck you to the entire institution. I would have felt weak if I'd have dressed up how they wanted me to and smiled and posed.

YANBU to feel sad about anxiety, depression & eating disorder. Poor girl. I wonder if that's influencing your views on the prom. We all want our children to be healthy & happy. If your daughter was healthy & happy, then you might feel proud that she stuck two fingers in the air at all the prom stuff. I can't stand all the "Oh you're so beautiful" posts on FB at this time of year

I think it's good she's going out with friends, not sitting home alone (but that would also be OK if it was what she preferred)

Good for her to dare to be different!

My schooldays were OK but on leaving with one or two exceptions the phrase 'have a nice life' was as far as it went. A prom would have been horrific!

I see school as a business transaction - school teaches, kids learn. Thats it. Fortunately it is not the happiest days of anyone's life.

I feel sad too, OP, my DS isn't bothering with his prom either .

This isnt the only chance your DD will have to buy a lovely dress etc etc

DD2 didnt go to prom last year. Totally her choice and she was/is happy with it.

My DS3 is exactly the same. Missed a lot of Y11 due to chronic illness, him and about 5 friends going to the beach for a BBQ on prom night. We've already done ritual book burning!

YABU to let her burn the blazer - surely that could be recycled for a child who's parents would struggle to afford the cost ( assuming it's in reasonable condition of course). Otherwise it's fine to do what she wants to celebrate the end of school.

YABU although I can understand that you wanted a particular shared experience. The thing with shared experiences is that if the other party is unhappy you wouldn't actually enjoy the experience you've imagined.

Given the rubbish year 11 she's had though, her plan sounds great and I'm sure she'll have a far better time with real friends on the same wavelength than attending a showpiece she's totally not invested in.

Other than wishing the blazer was given to charity, I applaud the OPs DD for not taking part in this American tradition. A degree of honesty too in spending an evening with real friends and recognising that school is not something enjoyed.