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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sad about DD refusing to go to prom

88 replies

supersop60 · 29/06/2017 18:31

Back in the day we didn't have prom, so I'm aware it's a recent thing. My daughter has had a terrible yr 11 (I have posted previously). She has been living with diagnose anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. She had a lot of time off school, and did manage to do her GCSEs, but not much revision. She hates school, dislikes most of her peers, and several of the teachers. So tomorrow evening she and 3 friends are going out for a meal and then having a ritual 'blazer burning' in the garden. Fair enough, it's what she wants to do.
AIBU to feel just a little bit sad that we haven't been to buy a prom dress, hair, shoes etc like so many of the 16 yr olds I see pics of, on Facebook.

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/06/2017 18:51

I had severe anxiety, depression and bullying, dropped out a year and a half early and was then given home schooling by tutors from the local childrens hospital. I sat my GCSE's as a candidate for my original highschool though, and a few days post results day got a call from my old head of maths department asking what my results were. When i asked why she wanted them she said "to put in our results table". I was so pissed off as they did NOTHING to teach me to get those results so i said "I'd rather you didn't" and ended the call. They didn't invite me to the prom either yet wanted my results to bump up their scores!
Saying that even if i had been invited, i wouldn't have gone. It was a meal and dancing type of thing, i wouldn't have had anyone to sit with as my bully was in my previous friendship group and she'd be there. Plus i was the overweight kid with the unruly frizzy curls who never wore make up, i'd have looked and felt like a clown and would probably just have been bullied the whole night. I completely get your daughters reasons for not going if she won't fee lcomfortable in how she looks, and if she's potentially going to be a bully target.

RodeoDriveBaby · 29/06/2017 18:53

Yabu. Not all women like all the frilly dressing up shit. I hate it. It was my idea of hell when I was 16 and it still is 12 years down the line.

harderandharder2breathe · 29/06/2017 18:53

YABU but I mean that kindly. She's not had the kind of year you would've wanted for her which is sad, but she's done amazingly well to even get through it, and she's celebrating in the way she wants to with her best friends.

Is she going to college? If so, she'll have another chance to do the prom thing at the end of sixth form if she wants to

Original poster

supersop60 · 29/06/2017 18:54

babyroobs it's the same blazer she's had since yr 7. I don't think anyone would want it!

OP posts:

Creampastry · 29/06/2017 18:55

Yabu but she's going to have more fun! Please don't tell her your upset about prom. Think of the money you've saved!

Original poster

supersop60 · 29/06/2017 18:58

I have to admit that there is quite a large part of me that is proud of her for not conforming to something that would not make her happy. She's ok, has a college place to look forward to and the eating is under control. She has an amazing therapist (and a new dog).

OP posts:

Witchend · 29/06/2017 18:59

I know where you're coming from.
My dd said she wasn't going to the prom a few months ago.
She's gone looking nervous but beautiful.

The thing I think changed it was she was included in an invitation to have a before party and ride together.
I think her fear was being the only one to turn up on her own.

She is a bit sad that almost all the others are going onto an after party she hasn't had an invite. (she thinks it was a general invite on a message group she isn't in, but won't ask if she can come too)
But I'm delighted that she's going. Not because I think a prom is brilliant idea, but because she was included in the planning, and she went into the house to a chorus if greeting just like anyone else.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/06/2017 19:02

You are entitled to feel how you feel so YANBU to feel disappointed. I can understand why you do.

But you must (as I'm sure you are doing!) put a big smile on and support her choices.

It sounds like she's turned a real corner. Well done to her (and you. And the dog!) for getting to that point

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 29/06/2017 19:03

YANBU to feel a bit sad, because you feel how you feel. Y would BU if you wanted to tell DD about that sadness (which I think you know from the way you've phrased your OP) - but I don't think you're going to do that. And you deserve a big round of applause for bringing up an awesome daughter who has her head screwed on at age 16 and knows she doesn't have to follow the majority if it's not her thing, and (despite her anxiety) has solid enough friendships that she can go out and celebrate in the way that suits her.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 29/06/2017 19:03

if she is going to college, Uni, then there are usually leavers balls and graduations to look forward to so opportunities galore for dress buying and hair etc together, then of course if she ever decides to marry... best excuse ever for the whole shebang, don't be too sad but I know what you mean.

fl0raldaisies · 29/06/2017 19:04

I was just like your daughter when I was in Y11 (I'm 25 now) and I also refused to go to prom due to anxiety, bitchy peers, death of a grandparent just a month beforehand and just a general dislike for the school so my mum booked us a long weekend in Paris just me and her instead which was lovely.

Obviously it wasn't a cheap thing for my parents to do for me, but after the shitty year I'd had they saved up to treat me, plus after hearing about the prices girls paid for their dresses, hair, transport ect I'm pretty sure it worked out just the same as it would of if I went to the prom.

Maybe see if your daughter would like to do something with you like have a weekend away with you shopping or just a day trip somewhere special, and you can set aside some money that you would of spent on all the prom things and treat her to something she'll enjoy longer than a prom dress she'll never wear again!

HappyFlappy · 29/06/2017 19:10

It's a live fish that swims against the stream!

Let your daughter do what she wants - it's lovely that she isn't letting herself be pressured into this "prom" crap.

wrenika · 29/06/2017 19:14

She's got the right idea - prom isn't all it's cracked up to be!
I went, reluctantly, but as a shy, friendless girl I had nobody to dance with (ceilidh) and spent the whole night sitting around watching others have fun. She's marking the end of her school time in a manner that makes her happy - go her!

MissionItsPossible · 29/06/2017 19:14

Aw it is a bit sad that she doesn't want to go but at the end of her day it is her choice and she has an alternative night planned. There'll be opportunities for her to go to other events if she wants to and if she doesn't then that's her choice and her life . You raised her to be an adult and now she's making her adult life choices .

BackforGood · 29/06/2017 19:17

YABU.
My dd didn't go to (either of) her prom(s) and my thinking is that I'm proud to have brought up a daughter who makes her own mind up about what she will enjoy, and doesn't just 'go along with something' because other people are doing it.

Andrewofgg · 29/06/2017 19:18

Good for her. What are you going to spend the money on that you didn't waste spend on the prom gear?

EastMidsMummy · 29/06/2017 19:18

She's got three friends. That's great.

noeffingidea · 29/06/2017 19:19

My eldest son went to his and loved it. My second son didn't go to his, just didn't seem interested in it at all, and said it 'wasn't his thing'. Proms aren't for everyone, and if people aren't interested then why spend all that money and probably have a boring evening?
From what you say, your daughter would really struggle with a prom. What is fun for some people can be a big ordeal for someone with social anxiety. It's lovely that your daughter has some friends to go out for a meal with, and I expect that will be just as special for her.

VestalVirgin · 29/06/2017 19:20

What you want is the bonding experience of taking her shopping.

Take her to shop for firewood and other supplies for her planned even instead!

Or, joke aside, what floraldaisies suggested.

jcsp · 29/06/2017 19:23

She, and her own friends, are having a prom - their own prom.

Given what's gone on this year she, and you, have done well to complete the year.

True her prom doesn't involve having hair done, fancy dresses, tacky limos, fake smiles etc. It does involve something far more important - friendship.

My 3, all adult now, got sucked into the prom thing. Afterwards, certainly 2 of them, said it was really a waste of time a pretence and the food was rubbish.

Don't worry. (Her version is also a lot cheaper, if there's drink involved it's at your place and you, if you/she want, can be involved)

justicewomen · 29/06/2017 19:29

If you are wanting a keepsake of your daughter all dressed up and looking happy etc then why not pay for a photoshoot on a separate occasion?

millifiori · 29/06/2017 19:31

She has some close friends to celebrate with and they are doing what they want to do. That is a positive sign, even if it's not the kind of memory you'd want her to have. I understand how you feel, but the only thing to worry about would be if she had no one to mark this end of her school life with.

crumpet · 29/06/2017 19:33

It's a souped up school disco. If my dd wants to go, then fine, but I hardly think anyone gets to 90 and wishes they'd gone to prom.

Skinandbones · 29/06/2017 19:35

My dd had an awful time at high school, she was bullied and told she was fat, she had no confidence, when she left she went to college for child care, only to be teased. She was kick out when she told them the doctor said he knee might dislocate, a bad thing if your holding a baby.
So her next choice was ict, the tutors were brilliant and cause she was with mostly boys, there wasn't any bitching. She now has a fab job she adores. As a teaching assisted some times I think too much pressure is put on student at a young age. Hope your daughter has a fab blazer burning and that everything goes well for her.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 29/06/2017 19:40

Prom is common where I live. (North America)

And honestly, after it's done no one cares about it anymore. The hype around it is not equal to the actual excitement of the event.

And if you hated high school, it's just another bullshit day.

Believe me, your DD isn't missing anything.

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