AIBU to feel sad about DD refusing to go to prom

[supersop60]

Back in the day we didn't have prom, so I'm aware it's a recent thing. My daughter has had a terrible yr 11 (I have posted previously). She has been living with diagnose anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. She had a lot of time off school, and did manage to do her GCSEs, but not much revision. She hates school, dislikes most of her peers, and several of the teachers. So tomorrow evening she and 3 friends are going out for a meal and then having a ritual 'blazer burning' in the garden. Fair enough, it's what she wants to do.
AIBU to feel just a little bit sad that we haven't been to buy a prom dress, hair, shoes etc like so many of the 16 yr olds I see pics of, on Facebook.

She sounds like she's got the right idea to me, unless her blazer is polyester.

You can feel sad for you for a split second but to be fair I think your daughter and her friends have the right idea. This prom nonsense is an Americanism gone mad. When my DD was in year 6 her Primary had a prom which we as parents were invited to. DD had a nice new dress, got her hair done at the hairdressers and had some clear lip gloss on. But oh my word some of her peers had false eyelashes, full make up, acrylic nails, high shoes 👠on I kid you not and some of the parents were so cliquey and boastful you can see where the kids got it from.

You should actually be quite proud of her choice.
My DD is in year 7 now and has been shunned the 'popular people' at school. She's not actually bothered now and she can see right through them and their actions. I feel sad for her from time to time but when I hear what some of them get up to their mothers certainly wouldn't look so smug about their DD being so 'popular'. I would imagine my DD maybe going the same route as your DD.
The prom nonsense costs a fortune with hair, make up, fake tan, really expensive dresses etc. Breathe a sigh of relief and be proud of your DD.

Don't worry OP. This is more important to her. My DD is exactly the same and has had some of the same issues, although not to the same extent as yours, so I really do understand and feel for you both. Feeling so helpless and unable to help your little girl when she needs you the most is truly awful.
Mine has no intention of going to the prom and yes, like you, I would love to be indulging her right now. But her anxiety issues mean she cannot cope with the event for a number of reasons- the crowds, being closed in, being looked at etc etc.
She has a friend who feels similarly, so they are going to the cinema, getting a takeaway and having a sleepover at ours, something they are both really excited about and we'll be happy to indulge them a bit here as well.
Interestingly, I've been warned by my daughter that we may have another girl joining them. This girl is desperate not to go to the prom but is being made to go by her mother simply because it is an experience the mother would have wanted.
Sound familiar OP?

I think there is an awful lot of pressure on kids these days and a 'prom' is just one of them.

I was almost sick on my wedding day from stress, it was all what my mum wanted, not me. Don't wish your DD was like that, what she has done sounds far healthier given her anxiety/depression.

Don't you think you are just sad that school didn't turn out to be place she was comfortable enough to celebrate being? It is a little sad but she's getting through it

It's great that she's doing what she wants to do

As for the event itself, there will be others in the future

yabu I just seen a post from a mother on FB who's dd is too scared to go to prom because of the bullies and the school has allow them to attend whilst the posters dd has been ostracised she even bought her dress.

She has friends who are on her wavelength. I'd be sad if she had no
friends. That would make me so sad

I've just sent dd(16) and three friends off to prom. (Gorgeous charity shop dress and a lift from me in VW Touran). She is amazingly confident now, but I remember feeling sad that she didn't seem to have a good group of friends when she left primary school. I was sort of sad that I wasn't sad about her leaving it behind and moving on.
Sounds like your dd's plans for tomorrow night are just perfect. Take pictures, tell her you're proud of her and help her celebrate. It could well mark the start of a new found freedom and confidence.

YANBU op

My niece had a dreadful time in Y11, and she and a couple of her close friends decided to bin the Prom and do their own thing. Never have I felt so proud of her!

I suffered depression and anorexia in my final years of school, I didn't go to my leavers prom because I was bullied.

I didn't go to my leavers ball 22 years ago (no proms back then!), I was shy, didn't have a huge group of friends and was frankly glad to see the back of school. I have not for one second regretted not going. Ridiculous pressure and I admire your DD hugely for doing her own thing.

I didn't go to my yr 11 ball - was severely ill with anorexia and very depressed. I've never really thought about it again. Hopefully you will get. ice photos of occasions dd actually wants to go to and enjoys in the future!

Thank you all.

Help her enjoy what she's chosing to do to mark this transition. Take pictures, get them whatever (booze free) drinks and snacks they enjoy. Buy a new fire pit get marshmallows to toast. Anything really. She's going to remember this.

I don't get prom - more pressure for kids and parents - party for the populars!

Won't be anywhere near as exciting as the after prom party!!

Let her do what she wants - I walked out and never looked back was relieved it was all over

School hasn't been kind to your Dd sounds tough poor kid. I know you are sad probably because she had such a shit time but she has made the right decision such a shame but she probably doesn't want to hug and dance with people she doesn't like.

Yabu, I love a non conformist! Think of the money you'll save

it was just a disco in my day, not a very good one either.
my parents wouldnt have forked out for a dress etc etc anyway, so i doubt i would have gone if they had them back then.
my son didnt regret not going to his one - my eldest loved it but he was more of a party animal and wasnt bullied at school. we are all different and school isnt for everyone either.
yes to the money you'll save too, its all a bit of farce i think anyway. but then i am old.

Things are going better for her. I hope she enjoys the blazer burning. It will put a lot of the shit behind her.

Prom dresses, hair, makeup, shoes etc are my idea of hell. Feel proud that she has the confidence to blow that shit off.

i do think ( although its none of my business) that maybe donating the blazer might be a better idea for someone in need!
however, its a new beginning for her. i hope the next place she goes to is alot better and nicer.

Bless her . Kudos to your daughter for having the wisdom to know her own mind , and the courage of her convictions . I'd be far prouder of her for that , than because she got all dressed up to go to something she hated , and had an appalling time , just for some Fakebook profile .

Two of my DS's didn't go to theirs , the third one did . Third one said the first two really didn't miss much tbh !

Facebook envy, don't buy into it! Yes its a great achievement making it through school but hopefully you'll have many more important occasions to celebrate with her throughout her life and she probably doesn't see it as anything major!

that maybe donating the blazer might be a better idea for someone in need!

Oh get real - it's a symbol of how awful school has been and the relief of never going back - a ritual of cleansing

I think she's handling this well and hopefully very excited for the future!

though I must admit I'd give the blazer away as well, there must be some school paperwork to burn? Ritual burning for sure, but if the blazer could save someone money then I'd give it to that person.