To feel that DD is 'under the radar' at school

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I'll start by saying I'm feeling v hormonal and tearful today so go easy on me

DD is coming to the end of her first year of secondary school. Though popular with plenty of friends, she is a quiet girl who generally lacks confidence and I feel that the teachers have a tendency to overlook her. It seems as though the very bright/sporty ones get noticed and rewarded (again and again) or the ones who struggle, but not those who just quietly get on with things, keep their heads down and work hard. I had hoped things would be different in secondary but I feel it's only going to get worse as its a very big school.

She is very sporty but not one of the very best so again, it seems as though the same kids get the opportunities, awards and glory. It's sports day soon and I'm bracing myself in case DD doesn't get offered a chance to participate (she will be gutted). I can already reel off the list of names I know will be chosen. I am all for a bit of competition but surely the school needs to give others a chance to shine and not just choose the shining stars all the time. It's very de-motivating. I feel like I'll have to say something if she doesn't get chosen.

I'm not sure I can keep building her back up without some positive input from the school. Surely there needs to be a way of recognising, rewarding and motivating children like my DD?

My DD's the same. One of the invisible kids. She's very bright, academically, but crippled with shyness and was totally under the radar at primary school. She got herself into one of the best (selective) state schools in the country and her old teachers sometimes still seem surprised.

She's in Year 8 now and very mature about the way of the world. We talk from time to time about this very thing. She's come to realise that it's not what others think, it's what she knows about herself. Her experiences have taught her that people make mistakes and unfair decisions but that other people's actions are no reflection on her. I also remind her regularly that very few people make their 'friends for life' at school so she isn't so worried about not being one of the popular kids. She's very excited about her future and is learning lots of lessons about fairness and doing the right thing.

It's miserable but could she start to push herself forward a bit more? In our secondary you choose what you do at sports day, so all she would have to do I'd sign up or speak to the pe teacher.

If your dd is very bright and has manged to get into a selective school I very much doubt she is invisible, or at least she won't be once exams come around!

I have to confess dd is one of the very sporty kids who wins all her school races by miles. The interesting thing is how supportive her friends are but how miserable and unfriendly a lot of the parents are. I'm used to noone saying a word of congrats to dd! You have to do these things for yourself at the end of the day.

Vango - thanks. Your DD does sound v mature and sounds like her inner confidence is great.

Baalam - shes not at a selective school, that's the other poster. I have tried to get her to push herself forward a bit more. If she doesn't get in to sports day then I will certainly ask her to talk to her PE teachers first before I steam in!

How does your dd feel about it? Is she actually telling you that her confidence is being sapped or that she feels there is no point in keeping on trying? Make sure you are not the one making her feel there is something wrong with being under the radar.

I promise you she very much was in primary school Balaam but I always knew how good she was. She's doing fine now. I'm pleased that she's developing an inner confidence that isn't reliant on acknowledgement from others. She gets lots of reassurance at home.

I think sometimes the teachers don't put as much emphasis on sports day as the parents! Could she join a sports club out of school? Dd does a couple and has so much fun there that sports day is not that much of a big deal.

I think there are a lot of positives to being under the radar. I teach at university, in a competitive subject, and there are lots of students who cannot cope without constant praise, who can't understand doing work for its own sake. Similarly, they can't handle not being top of the class. The people who just get on with it seem to have a much better, and more successful, time in that environment. Learning to be secure in yourself, not basing your self esteem on how you compare to others, is really valuable.

If it's upsetting her though, it could be a good way to learn to put herself forward a bit in areas where she really is interested. I think it sounds like she is doing just fine.

Baalam - I can't be miserable and unfriendly as one of the very sporty 'chosen ones' is a very good friend whose DD also happens to be DD's bf. It's not bitterness, it's just about wanting my DD to be given a chance. She was actually chosen for a tournament the other week and was really worried about messing up. She did brilliantly and came back completely buoyed up by the experience.

Oh well there you go. Sometimes state school sport isn't very 'joined up' so I agree it's dispiriting when you get chosen one week and ignored the next. Try an out of school club.

Learning to be secure in yourself, not basing your self esteem on how you compare to others, is really valuable.

That's exactly the strategy we try to adopt here. Hard, when children are naturally lacking in confidence, but it's working!

I know what you mean. The school system favours the outgoing child whether it's assessments or opportunities even if the extroverted behaviour is low level disruptive to the learning environment. Her choices are to suck it up or to be proactive and volunteer for stuff (even if it's privately after class) Unfortunately for many, self-consciousness is a feature of being a teenager.

Balaam - she's joined just about every sporty after school club going and has something on almost every night.

Cory - she doesn't actually say her confidence is being sapped - she just gets a bit upset when she doesn't get chosen for things. It's my worry that it will lead to this. I admit my self-esteem has never been great and I don't want her to be the same. Good points on here though about self-validation.

Letsplash - thank you. I think I can learn from the advice about being secure in yourself too.

are you sure you are not projecting a bit here

My DC are at primary school, they get the odd line in the school play. they get star of the week once a year. their reports are fine.

what do you want, if she is otherwise happy maybe you need to relax a bit here? is she complaining about this, or are you?

Stop - she does get upset when she doesn't get chosen for sporty stuff and sometimes can't understand why 'x' was chosen over her. Although she soon gets o er it and doesn't dwell on it, my fear is that if it constantly happens, it will gradually erode her confidence. However, I am very much taking on board the advice on here (for me and her) about learning to be secure in yourself

I think it might be helpful to raise this with her form tutor and ask if once or twice they can arrange it so some of the limelight comes her way. It can be quite inadvertent, this kind of thing at school, and teachers don't like to think pupils are perpetually overlooked, so that might have a good effect.

Also if there is a lunchtime or after-school club that isn't too large it might be a good move to join and see if she can make a bit of a mark there.

I sympathise. I have an invisible daughter too. She's a well-behaved child who doesn't cause trouble and get told off. She is around the middle of the class ability wise, isn't one of the ones who's always finished first and shouting for more work, or one of the ones who struggle and need help. She's not overly sporty. Not overly musical. She just appears to get lost in the mass of the class.

All you can do is keep encouraging her and help her find her niche.

Can make sure you talk to her about it. My DD knows that we're all human and sometimes, if faced with a choice, we take the easiest route. This can apply to selecting the most confident/sporty/outgoing kids when time for thoughtful consideration is short. Mine is finally arriving at the point where she feels it's no big deal. I'm hopeful that her next step will be putting herself forward if something really matters to her. Building self confidence (if you're not that way genetically-disposed) is a long road, but I think it can be done.

My DD is the same she is top set where she is streamed and performs just under the top few so bright certainly given she is youngest in yr. In own age group environments she is v backwards at putting herself forwards and finds it all a bit immature and sees straight through the favouritism and bumlicking that goes on (and is very amusing about it all at home) but at home she is outgoing, lively v funny and a real character. I feel they just don't bother to get to know her at all which is when she opens up. As she says though their loss!

My experience in secondary is that, for sports, they only want and take the best ones aonthat the school has a chance to shine and win.
The old thing about giving everyone a chance that there use to have in primary just doesn't happen anymore.
Same with maths competition etc... actually.

In our school, they are trying to balance that with 'prizes' and special comments for other children 'to have done extremely well in xxx and have xxx'
My issue with that is that it's clearly forced and doesn't reflect the reality (so my own dcs are never proud of getting that sort of 'achievement').

I have to say I agree with Letsplash. I have one bright, sporty and outgoing child. And one bright (but not as nerdy), sporty but not outing at all child.
I'm not worried at all about the not outgoing one that knows how to get on with things. I'm more worried about the outgoing one who has everything coming his way wo any effort.

Can fwiw my not outgoing child has sometimes not being chosen for part that he is good at when another child, who doesn't eve practice the sport or is quite bad at it, is.
The difference is that the chosen one is outgoing. You can remember them.

The only thing you can do IMO is to teach your child to step forward if this is something that matters to them.
And to remember that opportunities exist everywhere, not just at school!

RB68 you've just described my daughter 😁. We have very humorous conversations sometimes.

Maybe help her to move away from needing external praise and validation so much. I think at secondary most kids are mostly invisible, at least until A levels when class sizes get smaller. I certainly was. But I was there to learn and I one thing I learnt is how to judge when I had done well or not, according to what I knew I could (or couldn't) achieve. I also learnt to crack on even though I was never going to be "the best". Those lessons were extremely important later - at uni and in my career.

I worry about the ethos of over-praising in primary education today - with the constant stream of certificates, and special mentions and special assemblies and general "rah rah rah, you're so great". You'd think it would build self esteem but rather the kids seem to be really insecure the moment it stops.

It was ever thus. Kids that are pleasant and generally quiet and well behaved are actually a joy for all the reasons mentioned.

In the final analysis, what really matters is how well you do academically because that is the springboard for the rest of your life. It's not about sport or being "noticed". Teachers will certainly notice students who perform well academically.