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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that DD is 'under the radar' at school

77 replies

Canshopwillshop · 29/06/2017 10:17

I'll start by saying I'm feeling v hormonal and tearful today so go easy on me Wink

DD is coming to the end of her first year of secondary school. Though popular with plenty of friends, she is a quiet girl who generally lacks confidence and I feel that the teachers have a tendency to overlook her. It seems as though the very bright/sporty ones get noticed and rewarded (again and again) or the ones who struggle, but not those who just quietly get on with things, keep their heads down and work hard. I had hoped things would be different in secondary but I feel it's only going to get worse as its a very big school.

She is very sporty but not one of the very best so again, it seems as though the same kids get the opportunities, awards and glory. It's sports day soon and I'm bracing myself in case DD doesn't get offered a chance to participate (she will be gutted). I can already reel off the list of names I know will be chosen. I am all for a bit of competition but surely the school needs to give others a chance to shine and not just choose the shining stars all the time. It's very de-motivating. I feel like I'll have to say something if she doesn't get chosen.

I'm not sure I can keep building her back up without some positive input from the school. Surely there needs to be a way of recognising, rewarding and motivating children like my DD?

OP posts:
Mulledwine1 · 29/06/2017 13:27

mrsdraper I totally agree with your post - I could have written it!

However, I think when it comes to competitions you have to accept it if you are not quite the best. There are lots of people out there looking for selection for competitions like the Olympics, world championships etc and if they are not good enough, they don't get chosen. Occasionally there are "wild cards" and people who don't usually go might get a chance, but it's really harsh. I can't really see why a school would not pick the very best for a sports competition. It's tough if they constantly pick 3 and you are always 4th but either you work hard to get better, or you accept that you are not quite as good and won't get chosen.

HOWEVER, to go back to mrsdraper's post, state schools tend to expect you to already know all the technique etc. PE teachers don't "teach" anything. You can either do it or you can't. Query how anyone who's not in the top 3 can possibly break into it without extra help in that scenario. My ds represents the school at running but only because he does it outside school, has done parkrun and is a member of an athletics club. Nobody has ever taught the kids how to run (ie not to sprint for the first 100m and then collapse). I'm sure it's similar for other sports, it certainly was when I was at school.

I do agree though that the quiet kids who behave well do get ignored at school.

Groupie123 · 29/06/2017 13:39

If she isn't of the standard then she's not going to get selected. Rather than moan about it to you, she should be asking her teachers what she can do to get selected next time. Just asking that question will often result in a selection as she'll appear interested.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 29/06/2017 13:49

Update!!! Well blow me down -literally just got home to find a letter from the school saying DD has been nominated by her tutor to attend a special end of year celebration for being one of the top members of her tutor group for behaviour and achievement!!!!!

Do I have to take back everything I've said?? Think I'll wait the outcome of sports day decisions but very chuffed for DD Smile Going to have a little cry now!

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 29/06/2017 13:54

Aww that's great Can. Well done to your DD :)

YokoReturns · 29/06/2017 13:55

Grin Keep on trucking CanShopDD!

I'm a teacher and I make sure I acknowledge 'the quiet ones' personally every lesson. 'Thank you to those students who are waiting quietly for class to begin, you guys are awesome'.

Vango · 29/06/2017 13:57

Well I'm delighted for you Can. A little bit of recognition every now and then is all any of us needs. Give her a big kiss.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 29/06/2017 14:07

Ah, thanks guys Smile

OP posts:
sowhatusernameisnttaken · 29/06/2017 14:22

Totally agree BarbarianMum

EZA15 · 29/06/2017 20:02

Well done Canshopwillshop you must be so proud!!!

EZA15 · 29/06/2017 20:02

I mean well done to your daughter!! 😂

Pengggwn · 29/06/2017 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 29/06/2017 20:17

I'm afraid that this is what secondary school is like. It's the exam entry year group that gets the lion's share of attention. It's also the disruptive ones who divert attention in class. Year 7 - ks3 in fact - are all but invisible in the school I'm supplying in. Depressing but that's my experience.

TheFallenMadonna · 29/06/2017 20:17

If a school has good reward and behaviour tracking systems, then "invisible" children aren't invisible.

I'm a secondary teacher. I couldn't tell you the fastest runners or best footballers. I really don't pay attention to it. I could always tell you the best workers in my subject, the most enthusiastic etc. I will give them achievement points and I won't give them behaviour points. The highest achievementand lowest behaviour points are celebrated, as here. Well done to your daughter.

Pengggwn · 29/06/2017 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/06/2017 20:27

Good for her Grin

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 29/06/2017 22:09

Penggwyn - thanks and no, I don't think it is always that others are better than her. She is as good as some of her competitors in certain sports and deserves a chance but I think there are other more obvious choices at the forefront of teachers' busy minds.

OP posts:
dottymay · 29/06/2017 22:22

Hello from being a former invisible girl now turned secondary school teacher I can assure you she probably isn't as invisible as you think I went back to my old school to teach recently ( a very weird experience) and the teachers I liked remembered me well as being someone who they could explain and check on but worked well and ex celled when left to work it out on my own. If she was worrying them or unusual quiet in certian classes she would be flagged.

As for the sports it's a tough crowd in any school ( going to school with Leighton halfpenny didn't help me at all) but this dosent mean you can't encourage her outside of school swimming, karate, and classes at local leisure centers can really push her during the summer and then she will feel more confident going back in September.

I did swimming classes during my year7/8 summer holiday went back and was one of the best that got the teachers attention.

P.s. P.E. teachers are not particularly great at teaching the spectrum in my experience.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 29/06/2017 22:38

Thank you dottymay. My DD is actually a club swimmer who has achieved lots of out of school awards - recently a gold for 50m butterfly. Her PE teacher has not picked up on this at all and gave her a 'below flightpath' assessment for swimming! Maybe you can see why I'm a bit concerned ... Sorry, didn't mean to drip feed but wasn't planning on mentioning this.

OP posts:
Baalam · 29/06/2017 22:58

If she's a club swimmer and doing well then why worry about what the school thinks. Tbh she sounds as though she's doing really well and probably a lot better than many children in her year!!

Baalam · 29/06/2017 23:00

Fwiw my own dd is on a talent pathway for her sport. Because of this (time pressures) she doesn't take part in the school team for this sport. And therefore never wins the cup for that sport despite being in the top 20 in the country Grin which is fine as she gets plenty of accolades out of school!

BitOutOfPractice · 29/06/2017 23:01

Op I'm beginning to think your dd goes to my DDs' school. It's so scarily similar Sad

C0untDucku1a · 29/06/2017 23:09

I make everyone in my form take part in sports day. Even if i end up with a couple of photographers and managers. The managers are actually crucial at the badly organised event to ensure everyone is where they are meant to be.

Glad to see she has been recognised!

stuntcamel · 29/06/2017 23:10

DD1 spent her entire school life slipping under the radar. Pretty good at most things, but wasn't one of the kids who got all the attention. Never picked for anything.

Years and years of it does affect self-esteem and motivation. There's only so many times you can say never mind and perhaps you'll be chosen/picked/win something next time. Next time never comes for the quieter ones, they become less and less confident in their own abilities until they stop trying because there's no point.

Vango · 29/06/2017 23:14

There's a difference between acknowledging the kids who are obviously good at sport/music etc and supporting and encouraging those who may have potential. I don't think many parents would expect their teen DCs to represent the school in competition if they weren't the best.

The overlooked children are generally those who quietly work hard and may very well have undiscovered talents but haven't got the confidence to put their heads above the parapet (which I think is what the OP is talking about). In my experience (2 secondary aged DC) there aren't many trophies for that kind of thing. How to help those children to fulfill their potential is the dilemma that some of us are facing.

I know schools have a lot to deal with nowadays so I've come to terms with it myself (after a fashion!).

dottymay · 30/06/2017 12:05

That's fantastic for year 7 swmiming! ! Like I said P.E. teachers dont have the same targets and curriculum as other teachers so can be slightly bias and not as encouraging as classroom teachers, not all but some.

I think achievements outside of school always made me feel more proud of myself tbh teachers and trained to be encouraging as a rule where as trainers and coaches tend to be harder to please so I was completely content with parents and swimming and badminton coaches praise

Maby aim at that?