To feel that DD is 'under the radar' at school

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I'll start by saying I'm feeling v hormonal and tearful today so go easy on me

DD is coming to the end of her first year of secondary school. Though popular with plenty of friends, she is a quiet girl who generally lacks confidence and I feel that the teachers have a tendency to overlook her. It seems as though the very bright/sporty ones get noticed and rewarded (again and again) or the ones who struggle, but not those who just quietly get on with things, keep their heads down and work hard. I had hoped things would be different in secondary but I feel it's only going to get worse as its a very big school.

She is very sporty but not one of the very best so again, it seems as though the same kids get the opportunities, awards and glory. It's sports day soon and I'm bracing myself in case DD doesn't get offered a chance to participate (she will be gutted). I can already reel off the list of names I know will be chosen. I am all for a bit of competition but surely the school needs to give others a chance to shine and not just choose the shining stars all the time. It's very de-motivating. I feel like I'll have to say something if she doesn't get chosen.

I'm not sure I can keep building her back up without some positive input from the school. Surely there needs to be a way of recognising, rewarding and motivating children like my DD?

My DS is like this.. slap bang in the middle. Bright, but not too bright.. a great sporty all rounder in general but not a shining star in any 1 thing. Never really gets chosen for school plays etc. And do you know what? I think it's not a bad place to be. He's popular, got lots of friends and is very laidback. He's a sail through life kind of kid and doesn't get that pressure to perform that the uber competitive kids do.

Build her confidence slowly and hopefully the shyness will lessen naturally?

Vango your daughter sounds amazing, my little girl is due to start school in September and I do worry she will be the same re: shyness.

I hope my little girl has the same outlook as yours does.

It was ever thus. However it is very important to bear in mind that kids who are pleasant and generally quiet and well behaved are actually a joy for all the reasons mentioned.

In the final analysis, what really matters is how well you do academically because that is the springboard for the rest of your life.

It's not about sport or being "noticed". Teachers will certainly notice students who perform well academically, in any case.

Thanks again everyone. I've had some great advice on here about how to move forward. Thanks for being nice to me. I realise that I am in danger of projecting my own lack of self esteem and confidence issues in to DD so I appreciate the advice on how to tackle this issue also.

Gosh, thank you EZA! I think she is (amazing) and it's fascinating to watch her developing personality. They grow up a lot in the early secondary years so it's really important to guide them.

I think I've learned that confidence-building really has to be done at home. Don't expect too much from the school in the early days and keep talking to and supporting her.

Have you mentioned this to your DC's tutor or year head? It's not unusual for parents to do this and then, as a tutor, I will have a quiet word with the child's teachers. Providing it's raised in a polite and sensitive way (ask the school to "help you with DC's self esteem" rather than directly criticise them if you see what I mean) they should be supportive. With 30 in a class, no matter how well intentioned you are, sometimes some are less on the radar than others. Our school now has an 'unsung heroes' day aimed specifically at children like your DC. It has been v effective.

One thing I would add is that, speaking as a teacher, children like your DC are often the nicest and easiest to teach so, ironically, they are often the ones I'm fondest of - and they are also the ones who seem to do well and be happy in the longer term (ie post school).

Thank you Rufus - I haven't said anything but I might consider it especially if she's not picked for sports day. Thanks for your reassurance.

My 5 year old is the same at school I actually had to remind the teacher he had no star pupil award despite meeting the class criteria week on week. He was starting to notice children who didn't do work then finished one piece were recieving awards his teacher was sure he must have been awarded checked her records and realised he had been completely over looked. Luckily he has my chatty nature and has lots of friends so it's mostly school he gets over looked though sometimes I see him being railroaded by louder friends.

Oh OP this exact same thing happened to my DD. She went through secondary school without touching the sides. Good girl, hard working, quiet, no trouble. Got completely ignored. It was a very sporty school and the sporty kids were totally favourited. The naughty kids got all sorts of attention. My DD got nothing.

They were totally amazed when she said she didn't want to go to 6th form there. All of a sudden they realised that this straight A student would be taking her excellent results elsewhere and wouldn't be propping up their new 6th form. She was hauled out of lessons to explain why. I was FURIOUS and told her HOY so in no uncertain terms. Ah, now you notice her!

I loathe that school.

She is now at another school for 6th form, loves it, is flourishing and recognised for all her hard work.

I realsie that wasn't helpful or offered you any solutions. Sorry but I just wanted to let you know that we know how you feel and are not alone

I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand it would be lovely if they all got a shot and not always the best picked. On the other side, it mimics real life and isa good life lesson, the reality of real life is it's also the best picked, be it at work or wherever, so secondary school isn't a bad place to start this lesson.

The ethos of the nice guys gets a shot too and ability levels are not relevant, would probably end up causing a bit of a shock when faced with adult hood. In the workplace the best and most confident are who are often promoted, not the middle to average worker who sits quietly getting on with it. Is it fair, arguably yes, as talent counts for something, and arguably no, everyone has something to offer, but ultimately it's always about who has the most to offer. Wanting the prize as your daughter does, in this case to be chosen for sports day, is only part of it, You actually have to Compete and win before you get it.

I'd urge her to do as a PP said, either focus on her own self esteem, recognise the world is competitive and no one remembers the person who came second, and the reality of life is actually we aren't all equal in all things. Sometimes the difference between winning and coming second is actually just the effort put in.

I think any manager that only promotes the squeaky wheel is a poor manager indeed Bluntness. My daughter was not "middle to average". She got straight As and A*s at GCSE. But because he was quietly getting on with her work and achieving great things quietly, she was ignored - because she was no trouble. In a work situation that would be seen as very poor management indeed.

What always annoyed me when I was at secondary school was that all the emphasis in Sport was on the highest achievers and the rest of us were invisible.
there is the running track, run. Play netball, hockey.
No technique was taught and absolutley no discussion about exercise for fitness. The only thing that mattered and the only reason for doing it was to win trophies for the school.
Well, I was crap at sport but later in life have taken up running which does wonders for your mental wellbeing and health. If only someone had said in PE lessons that there were other reasons than getting into a tournament and talked about techniques then I might have actually been interested at the time and done this in my teens and twenties instead of in my 30's. Just seems like a wasted opportunity.
In other news my witch of a PE teacher who was horrible and used to slap us when no one was looking got caught and lost her job for assaulting a student. Karma got her in the end.

IMO an "away from school" club or group, with a totally different set of people, will do more good than an after-school club.

It did me, and I especially recall the personal growth of another person who joined some kind of cadets and zoomed ahead. I also gained a lot from holiday jobs, working with people in the adult world, including some no older than me, who were used to working and earning. The older fellers also treated me like a new colleague, not a schoolchild. When I went back to the same place repeatedly, I was treated as an established and experienced worker.

There is an additional advantage that when you realise the school is inadequate, it doesn't matter so much because you have plenty more.

I remember one lad I was at school with later played cricket for England, but he never got a place in the school first team. Sod 'em.

On the other side, it mimics real life and isa good life lesson, the reality of real life is it's also the best picked

Except that surely school is the best time to give them all a chance to see what they can do? Why disillusion them at such a young age?

Bluntness - I get this side of the argument however, she is only 12 and surely school is about helping to prepare students for the big wide world not treating them like they are there already! This should include helping them to become confident and motivated individuals and bringing out the best in themselves.

Bitoutofpractice - thanks and I'm glad your DD is now flourishing

I worry about the ethos of over-praising in primary education today - with the constant stream of certificates, and special mentions and special assemblies and general "rah rah rah, you're so great". You'd think it would build self esteem but rather the kids seem to be really insecure the moment it stops.

Me too

Lucky is the child who gets to learn a few harsh life lessons at school, and what we're talking about here is just that - not being seriously bullied or struggling with everything which is the reality for some poor kids.

OP try not to worry, it will all work out fine

Lucky is the child who gets to learn a few harsh life lessons at school

I think that's very sad. I don't think the OP is asking for constant recognition and reward either. Just the odd opportunity for a child lacking in confidence. If a school can't provide that then it's a problem for the parents of said child. It's a pity that we feel that 'life is unfair so the sooner we find out the better'.

As a former primary teacher, what I have always said is that the children I worried about were the 'good' kids who never spoke up. I never worried about the 'cheeky' kids, the ones who had a bit of ability and plenty of (just on the edge of appropriate) lip - they got noticed and they got what they needed. Teachers were so busy dealing with the really tough kids that the quiet, good kids were just relied on to keep going - they faded in to the background.

IME in all walks of life it is an essential skill to be able to speak up and get what you need by asking for it directly.

In general it is not true that if you work away quietly you'll get noticed. The people who move up and get what they need are the people who ask for it.

I think BoffinMum and Rufus have got it spot on. Yes it's a good skill to be able to work without praise or put yourself forward for what you want. However, there will always be children who go under the radar for some reason and, as a teacher myself, I would want a parent to quietly point it out to me rather than let it continue.

I'm ashamed to say that a parent did politely pull me up on it once, and I was happy I had the chance to rectify it by offering some well-deserved praise and attention to the kid in question; like the children of a lot of posters on this thread, she was an absolutely lovely, hard-working child who had attention drawn away from her by louder or more demanding kids.

My feeling is you have to build confidence yourself at home and in their activities.

Cynical after years of seeing my quiet and well socialised kids going through schooling I am afraid.

Someone on here recently said their dc would have been much better off in the days of "chalk and talk" when kids could work diligently and there wasn't all this call for participation. We regularly get a pasting along with dd at parents' evenings because dd is so quiet and "doesn't contribute", as if she is sitting there purposefully shielding her great gems of worth from all the others, rather than being very shy.

Ds passed through school unnoticed. His A Level results were actually the best the school had ever had... but he didn't make the cut for the prize giving for the leavers' celebration. He didn't even get an invite! I thought about saying something but then couldn't be arsed. Like parent like children!

I was the same, always ignored and never noticed. When I was around your daughters age I went off the rails and became a problem tearaway teenager ... THEN I got noticed.

Hope your DD doesn't follow my lead.

At our school sports day there are 2 from each of the 4 houses chosen for each each event and each child can enter no more than 2 events.But no-one is in charge of this process, no adults are even involved and there are no performance times or distances to go on so it is just the pushiest kids and their friends putting themselves forward for what they want to do.DD2 is very sporty and hasn't got her name down for anything

User that's the sort of thing our schools come up with and gush about how the kids are empowered by organising themselves..