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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about a photo posted on facebook

40 replies

suepermum · 28/06/2017 09:01

my OH (been together 4 years, don't live together) has posted a very unflattering photo of me on facebook. We went to a festival and he took a photo of me asleep and posted a close up of just my face partially covered by a sunhat which I didn't like but he said he thought it was nice. That was bad enough. But at the same time he also posted another pic of just my face taken at a very unflattering angle showing my nose in profile. I have quite a large nose and in profile it isn't straight so I'm sensitive about it. He knows I'm very lacking in confidence about having my photo taken and we've had conversations before about me not liking certain photos of me he's posted on facebook. I'm absolutely fuming about it and he's saying I'm just being grumpy and it's no big deal. AIBU or is this potentially a deal breaker?

OP posts:

nebulae · 28/06/2017 09:09

Meh...my OH stuck a piece of lettuce up my nose when I was asleep after several glasses of wine...and took a picture to post on FB. Doesn't get much more unflattering than that.

Sounds like your OH thinks you look nice in the photos. I don't think he's trying to be unkind.

Whatsername17 · 28/06/2017 09:12

I wouldn't throw away 4 years over a photo. Just ask him to remove it.

RoganJosh · 28/06/2017 09:13

Has he taken it down though?

ScarletSienna · 28/06/2017 09:14

What would bother me most is that you've said you don't like it and he has dismissed your feelings with, "you're being grumpy, it's no big deal". Who says he gets to decide what is a big deal or not?!

Coastalcommand · 28/06/2017 09:15

Just untag yourself. Sounds like you are being a bit grumpy.

MiniAlphaBravo · 28/06/2017 09:16

A deal breaker? You want to leave your dp due to two photos? If you don't like them de-tag and ask him to remove them. Seems a very extreme to me...

However, if you're thinking this is worth breaking up over I suggest you have other issues with the relationship than just these pics. And it's a bit unusual not to live together after 4 years though I appreciate there may be a good reason.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/06/2017 09:17

If you seriously ask him to take it down and he doesn't there are bigger issues at play, as in he doesn't respect you.

If you're silently fuming after a half comment about how it's not that great then YABU.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2017 09:18

Well ending a four year relationship over it seems a bit extreme. Sit him down and tell him you want it taken down, that you have issues and it's making you unhappy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/06/2017 09:26

The dealbreaker isnt the photo is it? Its the way he totally dismisses your feelings as unimportant and that is a worry.

His attitude about that would concern me because if he wont take down a simple photo that you dont like, what else will he dismiss? Sounds like there are more issues at play here.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 28/06/2017 09:31

Ask him to delete it. If you are sensitive about your profile and he knows this, then posting a photo of you in profile to FB is rather unkind. If he agrees to take it down then it's NBD and you can move on. If he refuses then you need to have a think about what level of importance he places on your feelings.

I'd expect my DH to respect my wishes and not post photos of me that I didn't like.

Coddiwomple · 28/06/2017 09:32

YANBU

Taking photos of you and posting them is quite sweet, as long as he's not making sarky comments.
Not taking you seriously is not on, you are right to be fuming. Knowing if it's a deal breaker or not depends completely on the rest of your relationship.

HipsterHunter · 28/06/2017 09:33

Just un tag yourself

Are you on a bit of a come down op? Things might look better in a couple of days time ;-)

ThatsNotMyMarmot · 28/06/2017 09:35

Ask nicely and if you get a refusal, pull back the duvet and take a photo of his knob as a bargaining chip. Sod playing nice. You did ask

alltouchedout · 28/06/2017 09:38

I don't think it's easy for most people ro understand how upsetting this can be, op. I remember being 22 and literally running away from my dad who was hounding me with his bloody camera and didn't understand why I was at that point in tears. I hate my photo being taken. I hate photos people have taken being posted online or shared about. If someone who is supposed to love you won't respect the fact that something is a big deal to you, no matter how minor and unimportant it seems to them, and insists on ignoring your wishes and clearly stated requests because "it's only a photo" (or whatever the issue is), that's really not OK. We don't choose what bothers us but people can choose how they respond to it.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 28/06/2017 09:40

Untag then change your settings so that you need to approve anything before it can be posted by others onto your timeline. This has saved me from unflattering photo horror many a time.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/06/2017 09:43

It's not fair for him to dismiss your feelings and call you "grumpy" for having insecurities about how you look!
I am sensitive about my weight and double chin, i only put very occasional face only pics on facebook taken at an angle to hide my double chin. A few years back at a family meal i specifically asked NOT to be in any of the photos people were taking, just to be scrolling through FB a few days later and BAM full body side on really unflattering pic of me that was taken mid meal. I freaked and panicked, and the poster (my uncle) did remove it and apologise but said he thought i looked lovely and didn't realise i wasn't ok with it. To be fair to him it was my aunt who had the camera and was taking the pics, and who had completely ignored my request not to take pictures with me in.
But i totally understand the awful feeling of having a photo you're not happy with being put on facebook. For him to dismiss your feelings over something like this would make me question what else does he dismiss your feelings over? It's not respecting you if he doesn't apologise and remove it willingly, you shouldn't have to argue about it and practically teist his arm to get him to take it down.
You could report the photo to facebook, it has an option now you can tick that it;s a picture of you that you find unflattering and don't like. There's no guarantee they'll delete it, but its worth a try if your partner continues to disrespect you and refuses to take it down.

I personally couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who acted like this, especially if they knew i was not comfortable with an aspect of my appearance and they took a photo highlighting it and put it online.

HildaOg · 28/06/2017 09:45

His dismissal of your feelings and lack of respect would be a dealbreaker for me unless he immediately rectifies it. Some people don't are about unflattering photos, some do. I dumped a friend once for putting up a picture which could have compromised my professional credibility had anyone associated with work seen it.

People who don't think about their impact on you aren't worth the hassle they bring. If they don't care about appearance and reputation and you do, then you're incompatible. Find someone who makes you look and feel good.

Caulkheadupnorf · 28/06/2017 09:45

Ask him to delete it and do some work on your resilience

Branleuse · 28/06/2017 09:45

Just untag yourself. Its no big deal

Brodicea · 28/06/2017 09:46

If you really want it down, he should take it down. My DH posted a horrible picture of me shortly after the birth of my DD, taken from below while I was looking down: talk about quadrupled chins! He removed it, even though he thought it was nice.
Meanwhile untag yourself!

mummyrabbitpeppapig · 28/06/2017 09:48

Thatsnotmymarmot

waitforitfdear · 28/06/2017 09:50

I think it's really rude of him to post pics of you without asking first. It's unkind and not acceptable to dismiss your feelings.

He sounds nasty really and dismissive of your feelings.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2017 09:51

It's not putting the pictures up that is the deal breaker-it's the not taking them down when you ask him to.

Original poster

suepermum · 28/06/2017 09:51

Thanks Scarlet and Pyongy. Yes his attitude upsets me as much or more than the actual photos because he doesn't seem bothered that I'm upset and he is aware of how sensitive I am to unflattering photos. It is something we've had conversations about so I suspect he probably knew I would have issues with the photo before he posted it. And yes, this is the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't break up with him just over this but there have been other issues lately that are making me doubt whether this is the right relationship for me. Thanks everyone for your feedback. This is my first ever post and it's been really helpful. :-)

OP posts:

CarrotFingers · 28/06/2017 09:52

YANBU, he doesn't get to decide it's no big deal. The photo is of you and you've already explained that you're sensitive about it, and he still put it up there. I'd be cross too.

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