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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about a photo posted on facebook

40 replies

suepermum · 28/06/2017 09:01

my OH (been together 4 years, don't live together) has posted a very unflattering photo of me on facebook. We went to a festival and he took a photo of me asleep and posted a close up of just my face partially covered by a sunhat which I didn't like but he said he thought it was nice. That was bad enough. But at the same time he also posted another pic of just my face taken at a very unflattering angle showing my nose in profile. I have quite a large nose and in profile it isn't straight so I'm sensitive about it. He knows I'm very lacking in confidence about having my photo taken and we've had conversations before about me not liking certain photos of me he's posted on facebook. I'm absolutely fuming about it and he's saying I'm just being grumpy and it's no big deal. AIBU or is this potentially a deal breaker?

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 28/06/2017 10:02

Everyone on your Facebook is someone you know. They have seen your nose!

Stop being such a princess.

danTDM · 28/06/2017 10:03

When Russell Brand did the exact same thing to Katy Perry I remember thinking how horrible he was to do that.
They then got divorced.

I think it's a really nasty thing to do and I'm another poster who hates having other people take photos of me.
I absolutely understand and YANBU.

Original poster
suepermum · 28/06/2017 10:03

... and thanks antiope I didn't know you could alter your settings to approve things before they are added to your timeline. That's really useful to know. Thanks to everyone who understands how upsetting unflattering photos can be when you're already sensitive about your looks. Smile Flowers

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 28/06/2017 10:03

YANBU at all, these are your feelings and however much people may not understand it, they are still your feelings and he should respect that.

I think my daughter is stunning but there has been photos (most photos I take!) that she says do not look nice and asks me not to post them on Fb, so I don't.

sunshineandrainbowsparkles · 28/06/2017 13:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but after 4 years I'd have thought he'd have a bit more sensitivity about your issue, however trivial some people may think it is. To you it's not, and this isn't an early relationship where you're still finding out about each other's insecurities, it's 4 years. Ask him again to remove it, if he doesn't I'd be rethinking who I spend my time with.

littleshirleybeans · 28/06/2017 13:34

I don't go to staff nights out as I don't want to be photographed unaware (unawares??? Sorry, just had huge fight with dh and dc and can't think straight Angry)
I was in tears recently when I saw a pic of myself on fb that someone had posted; I messaged them and asked them to take it down. They were very apologetic and said they hadn't considered that others might not like a pic of themselves online without their say so.

myusernamewastaken · 28/06/2017 13:52

I sympathise aswell...I am the most unphotogenic person on the planet..I go out dressed up feeling confident and am then caught unawares in a photo which then appears on fb....
It has left me feeling shit on so many occasions...

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 28/06/2017 15:25

YANBU. I know what you mean about photos which highlight body parts we're self conscious about, and I think he's been really unkind about it; firstly by putting up unflattering photos knowing how you feel about such things, and secondly for dismissing your feelings when you told him you were upset.

I'm unphotogenic and like myusernamewastaken I can look in the mirror before a night out and feel really good about myself, but then look at most photos taken during that night out and think I'm ugly. It's not being "Princessy" at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2017 15:30

A deal breaker? You want to leave your dp due to two photos? I would leave my DH if he rode roughshod over my feelings, discounted them, thought he knew better than me and treated me like I wasn't important enough to listen to. I suspect that a normally kind, considerate, empathetic and equal partner doesn't do this kind of thing.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 15:38

YANBU OP. I would be fucking furious.

It's not the fact he put a photo on FB, it's the fact that you told him not to, and he did it anyway, and basically called you a misery for being pissed off about it. He does not have a right (nor does anyone else!) to tell you what should, and should not, upset you.

Tell him to take those photos down NOW.

This wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me by itself, but if this kind of behaviour continued, I would tell him to fuck off.

I LOATHE, I mean utterly utterly LOATHE photos been taken of me without my knowledge, and it really pisses me off. But if someone did this and then posted the pic(s) online, I would be fucking raging. It's an utter violation of your privacy.

kali110 · 28/06/2017 15:50

I can understand how you feel about the pictures but im guessing your dh just doesn't understand how you feel about yourself. He doesn't see you the way you do.
my dh never understands what i hate about myself, as he just can't see it. He loves me.
Unless you think he knew it would upset you?

kali110 · 28/06/2017 15:51

Yes you can change your settings.
When i had fb i would vet everything that i was tagged in before it went on my profile.
Just go into your settings.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 15:55

Yeah you can change your settings so if people tag you it doesn't pop up on your page. I did this because I got pissed off with my timeline being clogged with political articles.

However, the point is, the OP TOLD her boyfriend not to post the pic and he did anyway, and called her miserable for being upset.

A total lack of respect, a violation of her privacy, and a form of control. 'I don't care if it upsets you, I will do it anyway.'

Nasty.

RhubardGin · 28/06/2017 16:40

I think it's clear from what you've posted that you want to leave this relationship.

You don't feel that he respects your feelings or listens to you. Those are vital to making a relationship work.

From the original post it did sound a bit OTT to consider leaving someone over a unflattering FB photo but you've said there is more to the story. Have you discussed with him the other issues you have?

Original poster
Suepermum · 28/06/2017 18:06

We've talked about it and he has taken the photo down begrudgingly. No apology though that it upset me. And also friends have seen the photo now so the damage is done! I think I was being paranoid that he had posted it on purpose to provoke an argument but having talked about it I think I was wrong about that. We've made up for the time being but I think we're gong to need a serious talk in the near future about where our relationship is going. I've also changed my privacy settings on fb so I can approve things before friends can post things on my timeline and also changed it so only I can see things I've been tagged in. Thanks for all your advice Smile

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