Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite the boy who terrorises my son at school to his party?!

152 replies

OohMavis · 27/06/2017 08:51

A no-brainer, you would think. This boy swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. I've been in close contact with the teacher but to be honest, she hasn't been very effective in stopping his behaviour.

So I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit.

Anyway. DS has a birthday coming up and we've booked him a party. Invites went out a couple of weeks ago to the children on the list DS wrote, not including this boy for obvious reasons. This was difficult for DS, who wanted to invite him because 'he'll be really angry if I don't, he'll push me' Angry

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people, generally being not very nice about it. Expected.

But now his mother has messaged me on Facebook demanding to know why her son is being purposefully excluded. She's written all over the closed FB school group about 'someone' excluding her son and how upset he is. She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party).

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 27/06/2017 12:05

To the fb group post.

"Sorry you feel that way however only X number of children where invited from school due to numbers."

Polite and points out you have not singled the child out. Screenshot all the posts/messages and go to the head with regards to the child's behaviour and now the mothers actions on social media to you.

SnotGoblin · 27/06/2017 12:11

I'd just respopnd with 'sorry, we have a limit on invitees and lots of cousins etc so we only invited the children who are friendly with DS. We had to set limits somehow.

kali110 · 27/06/2017 12:11

Tbh i wouldnt care if you'd invited the whole class except him, i wouldn't include him.
I wouldn't invite him after he'd done this to your child.

kali110 · 27/06/2017 12:12

And i'd tell on fb excatly why ge wasn't invited.

NameChange30 · 27/06/2017 12:13

No, no, no! Not "sorry", why have two people suggested that?!

Sorry your child is bullying mine
Not sorry your child isn't invited!

FelicityMarbles · 27/06/2017 12:13

With regards the school, make sure you document any future incidents of bullying and also ask for a copy of the schools anti bullying policy.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/06/2017 12:17

I would also mention that her son has been unkind to yours and hitting him etc. I would imagine other parents will have heard about/have experience of the bully boys behaviour and will understand why you didn't want to invite him.

Dibbles1967 · 27/06/2017 12:19

I had a similar situation when my DS was about the same age. A little boy in his class was shouty/gobby/sweary, a real tearaway. His mum was as polite as anything one to one, but in the playground at pick up time you could hear her yelling things like "oi yer little sh*t, gerr 'ere now or you'll get a slap"

I remember feeling so sorry for him, that was the first thing he hear when he came out of school. (And other colourful things like it).

My son was friendly with this boy & wanted him to come after school one day for a play and supper. I was really anxious about it to be honest so I spoke to their teacher (truly wonderful lady). She told me not to worry & that I might be surprised.

Invited the little boy over & he was the sweetest, most well behaved child. Even brought the plates back in the kitchen, said thank you and offered to wash up!!! (I've also had the seemingly polite ones come over & behave like total s*ds) I'm not suggesting the boy in question will be like that but you never know.

Agreed though, it's up to you who you invite & if there's even a chance he could be disruptive then it's for the best.

She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party). STALKER Shock

Get on to the venue also & make sure the party area will be closed off to the public.

nina2b · 27/06/2017 12:21

YANBU - in the slightest. That kid needs to learn about karma.

ladyamy · 27/06/2017 12:36

She sounds like trouble. Stalking you?!?!

Message her and politely tell her that her son's behaviour towards your DS is the reason he isn't invited. Brew

Blatherskite · 27/06/2017 12:42

It sounds very much like the bully has told his Mum that he's the only one not invited. I would for this reason reply and make the situation clear - that only a very few school mates have been invited to the party due to constraints on numbers.

I would also though add that the bully's behaviour was the reason for not making the invite list - because crazy mum has taken this to facebook in the first place so I wouldn't go all coy to spare her feelings.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/06/2017 12:43

Dribbles that boy you described sounds like he wasen't targeting a particular child, this boy is abusive and bullying op ds. Yes the boy is only 6, his behaviour is entirely learned from his parents, his mum being a perfect example. But that is not your sons problem, its his party, his special day, noway should he feel anxious, threatened, and abused by this boy.

Borangeistheorange · 27/06/2017 13:22

I'd just go nice tbh. Assuming the passive aggressive bullshit is not aimed at your directly but the sarcy happy Birthday is I'd reply to that along the lines of "Thank you for your well wishes. It's a shame DS could only invite a few close friends from school to his party so it's lovely to know you understand. Thank you"

Then totally disengage.

aSleepyPrincess · 27/06/2017 14:03

Under no circumstances would I be telling the mother the reason her son had not received an invite was purely down to numbers!!!!

She needs to learn that racist abusive behavior will not be tolerated, once she has learnt this important life lesson she could pass it down to the little darling she has raised thus improving his behavior.

If you constantly pander to idiots people like this is it any wonder they seem to sail through life oblivious to the damage their little treasures are doing?

Personally I would make no comment to anything said on social media, if she has the front to ask you about the party outright I would calmly explain that her son was not invited due to his attitude otherwise how will she learn Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 27/06/2017 14:06

I agree with sleepy tbh, the mum has to know how bullying her sons behaviour is, if everyone is la de da about it, then nothing will be done. No your son has been nasty to mini OOMavis, he has been racially abusive and physically abusive to him too.

MissEliza · 27/06/2017 14:16

I'm sorry you're getting a rubbish response from the teacher. I'm a TA and it gets me really frustrated that some teachers seem to be more tolerant of bad behaviour by habitual offenders. Sometimes I feel they're afraid the child will 'kick off' if challenged.

grannytomine · 27/06/2017 14:31

AwaywiththePixies27 I had much the same but they finally realised they had to do something when my DD, aged 10, self harmed at school as she couldn't take anymore. Nearly 20 years later I still don't know why we didn't get her out of there sooner but I do know it kept being minimised, I was treated like I was making a fuss, she was being precious etc.

I find it hard to look back on and I think it has had a lasting effect on DD, I hope your DD is ok.

theymademejoin · 27/06/2017 15:05

The teacher sounds absolutely useless and failing in their duty of care.

A piece of advice I was given when my ds was being bullied was to do everything in writing. I made an appointment to meet the teacher and handed in a letter explaining my concerns "so he would have it for their records". I then discussed the situation with the teacher. The teacher was generally absolutely useless - his solution with a previous incident with another child, was to sit the bullied child down with the 2 bullies and another child acting a mediator.

I included in my letter and re-iterated orally that under no circumstances should my ds be put in that situation without an adult involved. I listed what I expected to be done. I wasn't prescriptive, more along the lines of "I expect the school to take measures to ensure.....". It was sorted but the bullies just moved on to the next victim, with each one being considered a new incident. I was sorry I didn't go to the principal initially as I knew the bullies had form.

Two years later, the bullies moved back on to my ds. They were in a different class to my ds then but the two teachers involved were brilliant. They had the bullies reduced to tears and kept an eye on them for the rest of the year to ensure they didn't bully anyone else.

Sorry - it's a bit of an essay but I would recommend going into the teacher again, with a complaint in writing. Follow up with a summary of the conversation. Request an update in a week's time. If there is no improvement, repeat with the principal.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 27/06/2017 15:09

I would be brutally honest and tell her that her son isn't invited because he is a vile little bully and children who are nasty to others don't get invited to parties.

Willow2017 · 27/06/2017 15:33

See I'm very transactional (I manipulate people to get what I want) so here is what I would do. Contact the mother and explain that your son is frightened of her son and that he pushes him around, and that you did not want this affecting his birthday. Offer to invite her son on the strict condition that she makes sure he behaves himself nicely. Invite the son and tell him directly that you have let him come despite his behaviour but that if he starts up again he will have to leave.

No way in hell would some little brat who verbally and physically abuses my child be invited to his birthday party! What a ridiculous idea. You may as well tell him that its ok to kick, call names, hit, etc as there are no consequences and the person you are bullying has no rights at all.

I would just ask her in what uiniverse would you invite a child who is physically and verbally abusing your son to his birthday party? And then leave it for everyone to see.

She is deranged like a lot of parents whos children are bullies. I have had one say that they think their child physically assaulted mine ( no warning, out of the blue attacked him then laughed) because they were excited about something! Yeah right....fuck off I am not interested.

Been there many times OP and you really need to push harder with the school, they will do the minimum they can get away with until you make a big deal out of it or it escalates.

HappyFeetAgain · 27/06/2017 15:51

I would tell her exactly what a bully her son is. The fact that's she's demanded to know why tells you where he gets it from. Even if this little shit was the only child in the entire school left out , there's no way I would invite him.

Lovemusic33 · 27/06/2017 16:09

I would tell the truth. Tell her he's not invited because he's not very nice to your ds. How is she meant to know her darling son is a little shit unless people tell her? Grin

TeacherPresent · 27/06/2017 16:36

The woman is cray cray!

RomulanBattleBagel · 27/06/2017 16:51

Ugggh crazy woman. Some people just won't accept when their kids are bullies :( I am having a similar issue at the moment, older kids so the bullying is more sneaky and manipulative. The bully has lost so many friends and the mum is always accusing everyone of 'playing the victim' and getting angry when her child isn't invited to things - including rants like the OP mentions. No matter how many parents tell her what goes on she will never accept that her child is the common denominator Hmm. All come to a head now as my DC - the best friend because they were the only one who put up with this behaviour (for far too long I'm ashamed to say) is now refusing to go anywhere near them. If that doesn't make the mum realise I don't know what will. I truly don't think it will though.

Sorry for the rant Blush anyway of course you are not U in the slightest. I would absolutely warn the venue not to let anyone in without a name, it really wouldn't surprise me if she showed up!

MrsD79 · 27/06/2017 16:54

I wouldn't invite anyone who consistently upset my children. I dont care who they are. Your party. Your rules. Make sure they are banned from the entrance! How effing rude!