To not invite the boy who terrorises my son at school to his party?!

[OohMavis]

A no-brainer, you would think. This boy swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. I've been in close contact with the teacher but to be honest, she hasn't been very effective in stopping his behaviour.

So I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit.

Anyway. DS has a birthday coming up and we've booked him a party. Invites went out a couple of weeks ago to the children on the list DS wrote, not including this boy for obvious reasons. This was difficult for DS, who wanted to invite him because 'he'll be really angry if I don't, he'll push me'

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people, generally being not very nice about it. Expected.

But now his mother has messaged me on Facebook demanding to know why her son is being purposefully excluded. She's written all over the closed FB school group about 'someone' excluding her son and how upset he is. She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party).

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life.

So many parents here thinking they are auditioning for the UN or something.

Whenever these threads come up, I always imagine a lot of replies are just 'learned bog standard' replies to be honest.

But then MN has never reflected real life for me. It's like a weird parallel universe, to the one outside my window.

I'd just say "no, he's not invited because he's unkind to my DS" and not explain yourself further. If she wants to play her violin and twist it around, she's going to do that regardless of how kindly/tactfully you behave. Her son needs to know that he's not invited to the party, she needs to know why.

DS1 doesn't always invite the DCs of my closest friends to parties; there are some he just doesn't get on with. Nobody has tantrums or gets upset over it; they're children, they just don't get invited to everyone's party and that's life.

I'm amazed at some of the comments asking if all kids had been invited, why were invitations given out in front of him etc etc.

This child bullied and was racist towards the OPs son! I wouldn't be rewarding a racist bully with an invite to my child's party. It's a teachable moment for the mum and the child. Want party invites? Don't be racist bullies then.

The school needs to be more on the ball. OP ask to speak to the head and tell them if it's not resolved immediately, you'll be wanting another meeting with a governor present and if they can't protect your child from abuse and racial abuse, you'll have to inform Ofsted that the school are not safeguarding your child.

Thanks for the advice regarding the school. Maybe I do need to kick up more of a fuss.

There haven't been any incidents recently (aside from him being verbally nasty) and he's been gaining confidence by the day and has made some new friends in another class (who were invited!) so I'm hoping this is a turning point for him.

Hopefully this whole thing helps DS realise we don't kowtow to bullies, as well.

Regardless of the party situation, it sounds as though the school are falling short on the their safeguarding duty. Whether or not the bullying child has behavioural issues, it is not acceptable for him to treat your DS as he does, nor is it at all acceptable for the teacher to roll her eyes.
I'm with Hissy - go to the Head. Mention the use of social media against you too. Cyber bullying is still bullying.

As a for a response - then something very factual - we have limited numbers and have not been able to invite everyone from the class. I'd avoid putting anything about her sons behaviour in a text or email direct to the parent at this juncture. The bullying is something that has started in school, and is seeping outside that. The issue needs to be addressed by school. Don't give her any ammunition outside that area otherwise she'll likely turn your words against you if you have anything written.

aside from him being verbally nasty

That is STILL enough for you to talk to the Head.

Even if it's a conversation that goes:

'I know there are only a few weeks to the end of term, and that we can't expect too much in the way of change, but you need to know about this and we need to make sure that it stops here and now. New term needs to be a new start, without bullying and unkind behaviour. I would also appreciate some advice as to how the situation with the mother of the boy should be tackled"

I wouldn't bank on him being nicer next year, op. You should speak to the head this year and see if the little bully could be moved to his new friends' class next year? If she doesn't take it seriously then you need to be prepared to take it further, if it continues next year. Your child doesn't need to be in the receiving end of racist bullying as it will erode his confidence.

I would also make sure you have someone at the party who is prepared to tell her to leave piss off if she turns up. The chances are she will blag her way in by saying she wants to book the venue and would like to see it. Hope your wee lad has a great party.

I don;t think it matters how many other kids are not invited, even if this child is the only one not to be invited, OP is still well within her rights. Why should her poor DS feel too scared NOT to ahae a bully at his party. I would tell his mother exactly why her little cherub has been excluded.

I also think that there is a chance that the mother has an inkling of the reason, wants OP to tell her outright so she can have a massive hissy fit about her poor boy being victimised.

Some people just don't have enough drama in their lives. Poor loves.

I would just rise above it and ignore. All the behaviour is occurring in school, so the school needs to deal with it. She is obviously a difficult person who takes offence easily so anything that you say to her concerning your issues with her child will either descend into a shouting match or will be deliberately misinterpreted and used against you in a whispering campaign.

If she, or anybody, asks directly then say that your DS has lots of cousins so you only had a few places available for classmates. Sound disinterested, not defensive. Don't be drawn on how or why you chose some children and not others. Spot someone that you need to have a word with and move away if the conversation gets tricky.

The early birthday wishes tagging you are intended to let the other parents know whose birthday party she is talking about in her other comment. So I'd proceed as if she had named you as, effectively, she has.
Are there any other parents that you are friends with whose advice you could ask?
Otherwise you could always share this thread on the fb page...

I agree with speaking to the relevant people in the school, especially in relation to next year. And insisting that the situation is properly handled. It's a lot for a little boy to be dealing with on a daily basis.
As regards the comments on Facebook, there is an expression about 'giving someone enough rope'... I would ignore completely. Anyone with an ounce of cop on will be able to read between the lines. I hope that your little boy has a great party.

"Otherwise you could always share this thread on the fb page.."
Goodness me, what a terrible idea!
You can untag yourself from her FB comment. I'd do that.

OohMavis as someone who's DD had to have counselling because of the shit she went through. Please kick up more of a fuss with the school. My DD had the whole shebang. Bullying, racism, exclusion (telling the new kids not to play with her as no one liked her!). The racism happened in a very diverse multicultural inner city state school and I was gobsmacked.

If this child is able to physically hurt your child, your child is not being properly being safeguarded. We had meeting after meeting and was given excuse after excuse, it took the school counsellor to literally lose their shit with the school (DD told them one incident of the bullying about five minutes into their confidence meeting- counsellor told her to wait there and marched right into HTs room in the middle of a meeting with some bigwigs to express their immediate concerns) and things were acted on there and then.

The only regret I have is not moving my DD out if the shithole fast enough.

I'd just reply and say your ds could only invite so many class mates and as X is unkind to him and hits him at school he didn't really want to have that happening at his party so didn't want to invite him.
Then the other mums will see her for the crazy person that she is. Who would even consider gatecrashing a kids party they weren't invited to and having their child watch all their classmates go into the party room and them be the only one not going? What would she hope to achieve by that other than looking a complete idiot?
I would definitely let the venue know though and have a list and name stickers at the door in case she tries to sneak him in.

*So many parents here thinking they are auditioning for the UN or something.

Bully kid should not, ever, be invited to the party of a child that he bullies. Full stop. Who gives a monkeys if he is the only one not coming or if the invites were handed out in front of him. He is a bully. Why do parents even think its ok to invite him?

Batshit mother needs to hear some home truths. I would be loudly and explicitly clear about why her spawn has not been invited. And state that if other parents are punishing your son for the behavior of another child then so be it, at least the victim will know where they stand in the eyes of other parents when it comes to bullying.*

I agree with all of this. Why people on here are suggesting pandering to this nasty bully is beyond me.

YANBU

I'd reply on the fb post Your child is a bully and no fuckin' way will he be going near my son on his birthday

Parents are often convinced their children can do no wrong even when confronted with evidence.
I was bullied badly by two girls at school who pretended to be my friends, isolated me and then turned up the nasty. Death threats etc but nothing physical although the threat was there.
This was all played out in class and on the internet (just at the start of the cyber bullying thing), the school said they couldn't do anything because the internet stuff didn't happen in school and all the other stuff was just my word against hers.
The ringleader then got her mother to come into school saying that I had bullied HER so badly she had run away.... you can't win with parents that are blind to their children's issues x

I was bullied as a child.

A huge NO and stand your ground!! Being nice to people is all good, but not when they've terrorized you. He has no right to be invited.

I'd actual speak to the admin of the group with regard to the harassing message in the private group. Surely they should remove all comments like that anyway, ours certainly never has any persona comments about anyone, parent or teacher.

Then block her. You don't owe her a response. Then go in to school and let them know this family are upsetting your son IN school and now attempting to continue the harassment OUTSIDE of school. Don't engage with them at all, they'll be loving it.

OohMavis you need to see the head now and it's important you record as much as possible so the head gets a picture of how regular this is. Remember the head may know nothing about it you'll have to fill her in. Be prepared for her to back up her teacher. It doesn't mean she won't be

Even if he is the only child not invited, your son has a right to be safe and well and happy during his party, and not fear of being assulted and abused by this boy. Sounds like the apple does not fall far from the tree. If she does turn up and causes trouble, I would call the Police. Regarding social media, untag yourself, and block her, and contact the Police if she is harassing you via social media. Screen shot everything. I would also contact the school everytime this boy assults or bullies your son.

Fuck no you are not being unreasonable. Especially with vile racist bullying. I'd go straight to the top if that wasn't being dealt with effectively at school.

Head and governors did jack shit to deal with any of the bullying going on in my son's primary school. It was violent. He no longer goes there and the fuck I would let his bullies come to his party.

But then MN has never reflected real life for me. It's like a weird parallel universe, to the one outside my window.

I think its more like Sliders where you jump between many parallel universes...