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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite the boy who terrorises my son at school to his party?!

152 replies

OohMavis · 27/06/2017 08:51

A no-brainer, you would think. This boy swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. I've been in close contact with the teacher but to be honest, she hasn't been very effective in stopping his behaviour.

So I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit.

Anyway. DS has a birthday coming up and we've booked him a party. Invites went out a couple of weeks ago to the children on the list DS wrote, not including this boy for obvious reasons. This was difficult for DS, who wanted to invite him because 'he'll be really angry if I don't, he'll push me' Angry

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people, generally being not very nice about it. Expected.

But now his mother has messaged me on Facebook demanding to know why her son is being purposefully excluded. She's written all over the closed FB school group about 'someone' excluding her son and how upset he is. She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party).

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life.

OP posts:
cafetea · 27/06/2017 09:06

this boy abuses your son and his mothers is harassing you. Sounds like a family to avoid.I would message back the mother with your post here and tell her and family to keep away from you and family. You don't have to waste your time with these horrid people

newdaylight · 27/06/2017 09:06

Yanbu
Simple reply saying space was limited, lots of children from school were not invited, her son was not the only one, and a bit about why your ds is finding it hard with her son (pushing, racial slurs etc)

Original poster
OohMavis · 27/06/2017 09:07

I haven't said a word so far. She tagged me in a really weird post saying she hoped DS had a lovely birthday Hmm she obviously knows it hasn't happened yet. We don't speak. It was very strange. Then came the message which I ignored.

The teacher contacted her regarding the racial slur, but this was a while ago. I heard no more about it. The rest of it she says she deals with in class using the system she has (happy cloud etc). I get the feeling she's getting sick of me coming to see her tbh.

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 27/06/2017 09:08

Ignore her. Complain to the school that she's harrassing you on FB.

IJustLostTheGame · 27/06/2017 09:09

Although dividedkingdom's idea is probably the best

ItsNachoCheese · 27/06/2017 09:10

Even if the other boy was the only one not invited his bullying behaviour is a justifiable reason not to invite him tbh

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/06/2017 09:12

The Mum sounds like the kids Mum who made my poor daughters school life absolute hell. She genuinely believed it was her kid her that was the victim despite said person openly bullying my DD in class regularly!

I wouldn't be inviting said child to my DDs birthday party either!

Screenshot the facebook commente and take them into the school.

Butterymuffin · 27/06/2017 09:12

What dividedkingdom said. Tell her to speak to the teacher for an explanation.

SparklyMagpie · 27/06/2017 09:13

I'd be telling the cheeky cow EXACTLY why her son wasn't invited. I can't believe some people

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/06/2017 09:13

How did she tag you on facebook? why do people add these folk on facebook?!

Block her and let the school deal with it.

ExplodedCloud · 27/06/2017 09:13

Does the boy hit and push other children too? If he does then I'd ignore her FB stuff as other parents will be rolling their eyes at her in the closed group.
Do the venue allow the public in at the same time? Is it likely she will be able to turn up? In which case I might speak to the venue and explain that she might cause trouble.

Original poster
OohMavis · 27/06/2017 09:14

The venue is closed to the public. Good luck to her if she turns up... I might let the venue know actually. This is ridiculous.

OP posts:
paganmolloy · 27/06/2017 09:15

What DividedKingdom said with an addition that you preferred to message this info privately rather than post it publicly all over FB as the info might be upsetting to the recipient (see if she gets the hint regarding her own behaviour ;)

If the mother is like this you can see where the child gets it from.

I would guess that even if the school has mentioned her sons's behaviour to her, she'll be the one kicking up the biggest stink and the school/teachers capitulate to her rather than sorting out the root of the problem. Happens all the time, unfortunately.

Creampastry · 27/06/2017 09:17

Make sure you have someone in the door checking names... do name badges?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/06/2017 09:17

I'd be telling the cheeky cow EXACTLY why her son wasn't invited. I can't believe some people

There's no point SparklyMagpie. Parents like that deludedly genuinely believe their kid is the victim.

School needs to deal with it pronto and get the bloody facebook group deleted.

triplesalco · 27/06/2017 09:20

Christ! This fucks me off.
You can invite who you want to, ignore the other mum.
If she does turn up at the party venue ask staff to remove them as they are gatecrashing.

If the teacher says anything tell her that if she'd done her job the mum would be clear as to why he is not invited.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/06/2017 09:20

OohMavis Do NOT reply to any of it. Dignifying her strop with a reply is justifying her behaviour.

Plenty of times when ive held parties in the past, I often do joint parties as DCs birthdays are close together. In certain venues it means a maximum of 15 kids for each child. Most of us who don't think the sun shines out our childs arse knows that a lot of time time its down to spaces.

Figgygal · 27/06/2017 09:21

Talk to the school definitely this stuff must happen all the time though no one has to invite every child

DS is in reception for his birthday party we had limited numbers and so not even half of his class of 30 were invited as he had preschool and family included we never had some crazy woman shouting the odds about why her precious Billy was excluded. Sounds like we know where he gets his behaviour from

juneau · 27/06/2017 09:21

OP I strongly suspect that your DS isn't the only one who has had run-ins with this boy. My experience is that bullies don't just bully one DC - they bully many over the course of a year and in the case of this boy you can see exactly where his attitudes come from. Not content with her DS being a racist bully, she's now attempting to bully YOU though FB. Don't respond, don't feel bad, and just keep reiterating to your DS to steer clear of this boy.

80sMum · 27/06/2017 09:21

If I ruled the world, kids' parties would be banned! They seem to cause so much angst and ill feeling and rather than being just a fun thing for children, they appear to be becoming more and more stressful to organise and more expensive and competitive to boot. If your child is invited to loads of parties, you feel kind of obliged to reciprocate - and so it goes on.
Much better just to have a home made cake and a couple of friends round after school for tea and play, imo.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/06/2017 09:22

If the teacher says anything tell her that if she'd done her job the mum would be clear as to why he is not invited.

I'd hope the teacher didnt say anything. That'd blur the professional/personal boundary in my opinion. Teacher should not be getting involved in party invites.

JackieMac77 · 27/06/2017 09:24

I'd just say that numbers are limited, there are family children who take priority and only a few spaces for school friends. Unfortunately her son, like a lot of others in the class, isn't one of the few who are invited.

Yes, you have every right to tell her the real reason why, but is it worth it? Will it make a difference to this boy's behaviour? Might it make things more awkward for you and your son? IME locking horns with such individuals is stressful, and there's nothing to be gained in this instance.

sobeyondthehills · 27/06/2017 09:25

How did she tag you on facebook?

You can tag people in groups, you don't have to be friends with them. You can remove the tag feature from your profile, but as long as you are in the same group as someone they can tag you

DS has a "friend" like this and so far I have managed to avoid any interaction outside of school, but I would print the messages and show the school, I don't know if they are going to be able to do anything, but apart from telling the woman exactly why, which might stir up worse feeling and further bad behaviour.

Slimthistime · 27/06/2017 09:26

I'm often mystified by the avoidance tactics used on MN

Just tell the crazy parent that her child is not invited because he bullies your child. Which she already knows, from the sounds of it, so it's not like it's going to be a shock.

Quadrangle · 27/06/2017 09:26

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people

Were the invitations given out in front of him?