To not invite the boy who terrorises my son at school to his party?!

[OohMavis]

A no-brainer, you would think. This boy swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. I've been in close contact with the teacher but to be honest, she hasn't been very effective in stopping his behaviour.

So I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit.

Anyway. DS has a birthday coming up and we've booked him a party. Invites went out a couple of weeks ago to the children on the list DS wrote, not including this boy for obvious reasons. This was difficult for DS, who wanted to invite him because 'he'll be really angry if I don't, he'll push me'

DS says the boy realised he's not invited and has been very upset with him. Trying to snatch the invitations from other people, generally being not very nice about it. Expected.

But now his mother has messaged me on Facebook demanding to know why her son is being purposefully excluded. She's written all over the closed FB school group about 'someone' excluding her son and how upset he is. She's asked on our local community page if the venue we've chosen for DS' party allows members of the public in during certain times (the time of the party).

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life.

I like DividedKingdom's response too.

I noticed you said you feel the teacher is a bit fed up with you coming in. That's wrong. If you really feel this, next time something happens at school with this boy, start your conversation with saying this is the impression you're getting and perhaps she's not taking it seriously enough.

Write on the Facebook group:

"I can only assume that you are referring to my son's forthcoming birthday party. The reason I haven't invited your son is that he swears at, makes racial slurs at, hits, shoves and generally abuses my son. Despite this, DS has tried to be his friend, in the way that 6yos do. No amount of 'stay away from him' and confidence-boosting activities etc, has really helped, unfortunately. Since this is a celebration for my son, I'd rather he wasn't physically bullied on the day, therefore an invitation hasn't been extended to your son".

Ah I didnt know that sobey thanks. Would blocking her mean she can not tag her in the group too?

Blocking would work, but then you wouldn't be able to see what she was saying.

Like I said there is a feature, where you can review tags, so you can see who is tagging you and what they are tagging you in and I am fairly sure you can say yes or no to the tag.

Unless you actually want to say to her about her DSs behaviour, then I would steer clear of making any response and let her get on with it. If you want her to know, then send a message saying that seeing as your DS doesn't actually like my DS given his behaviour at school, you are a little confused about her upset! Every class has a batshit parent tbh, you've sadly hit the jackpot with this one!!

I'm fucking gobsmacked tbh. I've never encountered anyone like her in my life

she is a stupid cunt, and her son sadly for him inherited her character

what divided said. keep it legal and very serious sounding, and also say that you will not be bullied either, and if it comes to legal action (!) you are also taking screen shots of any messages she sends you

she is a thick as shit bully, don't descend to her level but be very very legal and intimidate her

Last time I went in, she rolled her eyes and said to DS "yes, Timmy's had a bad day today, hasn't he" - because he'd just got back off holiday, so obviously it was inevitable he'd kick DS in his back while the teacher wasn't looking. He seems to get a lot of special consideration when it comes to his behaviour.

There are three weeks of term left, I'm crossing my fingers for a teacher who deals with it more effectively, or it will be to the head we go.

I think I would reply (so that everyone can see):
"I am guessing that this is regarding my son's birthday party? The venue only allows 22 children and we have a lot of cousins and other friends to invite so have unfortunately been unable to extend the invitation to many class mates. Added to this, there have been some real issues with your son's behaviour - I am sure the form teacher will be able to expand on this if you are unaware".

I'm often mystified by the avoidance tactics used on MN

Just tell the crazy parent that her child is not invited because he bullies your child. Which she already knows, from the sounds of it, so it's not like it's going to be a shock.

This ^^ in spades.

Keep it short and to the point. Then don't engage with her any more.

I agree with Bobbybobbins

As he's not the only one not invited it's absolutely fine. Even if he was the only one not going I'd be inclined not to invite him. Racial slurs from a 6 year old? Where's he getting that from?

The lad's mother is a bam...

My DD invited all the girls from her class bar one so I insisted she invited the one. It wasn't a bullying situation though, more of a handbags type fall out that had blown over by the time the party came. DD was not happy at including her at the time but they've been buddies again ever since.

Don't shirk away from it. Let her know why her son isn't invited and isn't welcome at the party or she may be so thick skinned that she tries to turn up anyway. There is no point sugar coating it in this situation.

I'd ask the school about Safeguarding for your son, the bully's behaviour is beyond intimidation. Whatever school are doing, it's not enough - yet.
Your son should not have to base his actions towards the bully on whether he'll be pushed around or not.

Also screenshot the crazy mother's posts on the closed Facebook group and take them into school as well, so school can make sure there are no incidents before and after your son's birthday.

As for any reply on the FB group, you could keep it very short and say 'My son's party has very limited numbers, most of the invitations were given to family first and just a few places were given to his class.

I don't get some of the comments on here. As adults, we wouldn't invite a person to out party that we disliked and we would think twice about it. We probably wouldnt care either if that person found our about the party somehow. So why do we need to pander to the feelings of a disliked child? Why does it matter if he is the only child in the class not invited or if he has seen the invitations? Worraliberty is right, why pretend it's for any other reason than the child is not liked? Children have every right not to get on with other children.

Don't wait three weeks before going to the headteacher. You've waited too long already. I can't believe the class teacher rolled her eyes - that's so unprofessional! I would be complaining about the teacher's failure to deal with it properly.

As for Facebook. I would send a brief and factual reply to her message, stating that her son was not invited because he bullies your son. No apologies or excuses for not inviting him (limited numbers, lots of cousins etc). Then when she sends the inevitable nasty reply, block her.

However, I think you need to stick to a private message on Facebook - don't rise to the bait and respond to her post on the Facebook group, or post anything that can be seen by other parents. That would get very ugly, very fast.

See I'm very transactional (I manipulate people to get what I want) so here is what I would do. Contact the mother and explain that your son is frightened of her son and that he pushes him around, and that you did not want this affecting his birthday. Offer to invite her son on the strict condition that she makes sure he behaves himself nicely. Invite the son and tell him directly that you have let him come despite his behaviour but that if he starts up again he will have to leave.

No fucking way would I do this! You want to reward both him and her for bullying you by giving in? Fuck that! I totally agree that we agonise way too much over DC's parties and I'm shocked at how many people on these threads think that bullies should be invited and pandered too. Life doesn't reward you for being an arsehole and the sooner kids learn that being horrible gets them excluded the better. This kid is learning from his DM that bullying other people is okay and has no consequences. The sooner that real life shows him otherwise, the better.

So why do we need to pander to the feelings of a disliked child? Why does it matter if he is the only child in the class not invited or if he has seen the invitations?

thank you for some common sense!

So many parents here thinking they are auditioning for the UN or something.

Bully kid should not, ever, be invited to the party of a child that he bullies. Full stop. Who gives a monkeys if he is the only one not coming or if the invites were handed out in front of him. He is a bully. Why do parents even think its ok to invite him?

Batshit mother needs to hear some home truths. I would be loudly and explicitly clear about why her spawn has not been invited. And state that if other parents are punishing your son for the behavior of another child then so be it, at least the victim will know where they stand in the eyes of other parents when it comes to bullying.

Use it as a chance to speak to her about her son's behaviour towards your DS. She needs to know about it.

I also agree that this is a problem you need to address with the head. It shouldn't wait untill next term.

If there were a few not invited then don't worry about it. Chances are other parents are aware of the "issue". I'd be tempted to say on facebook the real reason he's not invited however probably best to hold your tongue.
I'd be gobsmacked if they turned up anyway, in which case I think you need to speak up, but if it is in a public place not sure what you can do.
Horrid woman!

So you know where he's learning how to behave - because really she's trying to intimidate you into inviting her son.

Means there is little point talking to her - this is why schools often ask parents to communicate issues through them, not directly. Rarely does a parent hear criticism of their child and think 'right - I'm on it'.

So...your real issue is the school. Write a letter, outlining all past issues and express disappointment that current actions to deal with the issues appear to be ineffective. Every time something happens, write a letter. They will end up with a nice, big, fat file. If you are talking to other parents who complain - advise them to write in as well. Sometimes schools need documentation to see the scale of the problem. Racists slurs would have been taken extremely seriously in DD's primary. Ask for an end of year meeting with the teacher and Head, or Head of Key Stage to express your concerns about next year. Ask to agree processes for you to notify them of issues. Get businesslike and firm with them. And look into schools to move your son to. Bullying of this level can be very damaging.

When my DD was being bullied we drew a map of the class and marked in red the places where she was being punched and kicked when the teachers back was turned. Calmly handed it over to the school for their information only. I never asked them what they were going to do...but they did something as it all stopped.

Frankly don't rise to her bait. It will only inflame and it won't matter how reasonable your response is - she'll twist it into something else and come up with a reason why 'one more won't hurt'. Even thinking about crashing a kids party is crazy - posting it on Facebook is downright bonkers.

Go to the Head NOW!

Tell her what is going on, about the racial slurs, the swearing and the physical violence. Tell her about the teacher rolling her eyes and MOST importantly, tell her about the use of social media against you, both in the closed group and the message.

Do not engage with this woman. this is a situation that has started at school and needs to be dealt with by the school.

You will not be the first to have to ask for help like this and sadly wont be the last either

Your school sound like they're not doing enough TBH. I also echo the thought that perhaps the bully and his mum think that it's friendship and therefore why wouldn't he be invited. I say this as my DS after a term of severe bullying (the school did bring the parent in I know) the bully invited DS to his party. I asked DS did he want to go and the answer was, 'why, he's only invited me so he has someone to hit'. Bully thought his violence meant they were buds, mother obviously thought it was not a problem either (WTF). I moved DS from the school in the end but tellingly when collecting my DD from there months later I over heard another little boy telling his mum that Bully had hit him. None of my kids are at that school now as I felt the teachers were so poor at dealing with bullying I didn't want to risk my other two being in the same boat as DS.

Who wants their child's bully at their party?! Her DS is not the only child who isn't invited anyway, so she can't claim he is singled out.

I just try to help DS day-to-day deal with the situations he comes up against with this boy. It's actually been improving the last month or so, DS has started to really hold his own a bit. That is good to read. With 3 weeks to go I don't think his teacher is going to do anything, sorry.

As to the mother's response, this isn't all about the party, this woman is indignant because she perceives her parenting is being questioned. So she pushes back and might not let up for some time. I don't think I would bother replying it just fuels the fire.