To continue meeting up with ex eventhough he's got a girlfriend

[user1498403489]

I was with my ex for 5 years and I left him two years ago. It was a very difficult decision but I just couldn't marry him as I simply wasn't in love with him.

It hit him hard as he loved me. For a year he couldn't even talk to me but about 12 months ago we started spending more time together.

For the last year we've had a very amicable arrangement where we meet up one day a week and have a 'family day'.

Unknown to me my ex got a new girlfriend. I only found out when she text me (from my ex's phone) saying I was manipulative and taking advantage of my ex and making him do me too many favours!

I didn't reply and just Blocked her. My ex ensured me he wasn't seeing her anymore and it was just a short lived dating.

We continued our weekly meet up and I would upload pics of our day on Facebook. Unknown to me my ex was still seeing this woman and every time she saw th pics of our day she would go mad.

My ex has said they're still together but they argue because she doesn't want him meeting up with me every week. I suppose I can understand that. He still wants to meet up but asked me not to put any pics of us both on social media.

I'm conflicted now. I hate the idea of 'secretly' meeting up. I hate he idea that I have to hide the fact I'm with my Son's Dad. I feel bad for meeting up at all if he's not being honest with his girlfriend so everything tells me to stop our meet ups.

However, my Son loves our family day out and as we both get on really well as friends it does seem a shame to stop over a girlfriend that is highly unlikely to be around this time next year.

I wouldn't know how to tell me Son we won't be having our family day anymore.

If I gave my ex an ultimatum me or her I am sure he would choose me and our son. But provided she's not evil I think it's good for him to have a girlfriend.

So what do I do? AIBU to keep having our 'family day' and just not put anything about it on social media. It's not me who is being sneaky it's my ex. Or would you just stop having them?

I Know some people might think it's a bad idea but it's worked well for over a year and we still get on very well. We're just not IN love with each other anymore.

His girlfriend got her friends to view my profile. That's how she can see my stuff.

Although I've now deactivated my account anyway.

Honestly, if I were her I would leave him. I wouldn't like the person I'm with playing happy families with ex, but on the other hand I know it's good for the children so I wouldn't want to stop him doing it.
I think he will be hard pushed to find any woman happy with it once a week, birthdays, special occasions yes but not weekly.
How would you react if you met someone and he didn't like it so much?

If they wouldn't accept me meeting my ex once a week I would Reduce it to maybe once a month.
The fact he doesn't want to speaks volumes really. I get the feeling he's not very interested in her but doesn't want to be alone and thinks it's preferable to that.

Our son enjoys our amicable arrangement and he's the most important person in all this.

For the last year we've met up regularly but neither of us had met anyone before so it wasn't an issue until now.

I don't think he'd ever stop seeing me for her though. I don't think he's invested enough to do that. If he met someone he had truly fell in love with maybe he would.

But their business is none of my business. I really don't want to get involved.

His problem not yours. Ignore her and have some nice times AS FRIENDS and co parents. She could always come long for the ride if he is serious about her being part of his and your son's future. Time for him to spend time with his son alone too.

Still meet him if it works for you and your DS but don't lie to her for him that's not fair.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong on paper, though I can see why potential partners for either of you might struggle to come to terms with your family day situation as it seems quite intimate. But that's their problem, I think you'll both just need to find someone mature and secure enough to embrace it. It's actually a really nice thing, and if you both found decent accepting partners, you could potentially involve them in this family day too, when the time is right. My own family did this very thing and it was lovely.

He has said he doesn't want me to meet her.

He then takes our son back to his and returns him the following afternoon.

He sees him every week.

hes a good Dad.

I am not in love with him and I think that's clear. So I suspect any partner I meet would be able to accept me meeting my ex.

The issue is I think his girlfriend thinks he still has feelings for me. But I don't know that.

In answer to your question- not posting photos is hardly lying! But if you really want to put the pictures up why not just keep your profile private so people you're not friends with can't see them? I approve of this regardless- especially when photos of children are involved! Not so much to protect her but to make your own life easier (and also becsuse why would you want random people you don't know looking at your photos if you can avoid it?!)

Hopefully he'll see sense soon anyway and this girlfriend won't be around too long.

I can understand the girlfriend getting increasingly fed up with this situation. If she and your ex both work full time, one "family day" each week means they only get to spend one day together. It sounds a little intense.

OP you also sound a little smug (is that the right word?) when you say your ex would choose you and your DC over the girlfriend. Sounds a little like all you care about is what's best for you. Don't you want your ex to find someone? You didn't want him yet your "closeness" pretty much rules out him finding someone else. Seems like you want to have your cake and eat it.

Does your ex still have feelings for you? I'd steer clear of getting involved with lying/hiding the time you spend with him. If you spend time with him, you should be able to be open about it. I'd also be pretty peeved that he lied to you about splitting with his girlfriend. He seems to lie a lot, both to you and the girlfriend.

He could very well still be in love with you. Are these family days just to spend time with your son, or to win you back?

I don't know...I'm not sure how feasible it is.

What if he meets someone and has more dc? What if you do?

It's lovely but not sure how feasible it is long term.

I also don't think either of you would be so adamant about continuing it you fell in love with someone else.

I left my exH for similar reasons and we remain very good friends. In our case, I'm single and he's re-married and expecting his first child.

TBH, I don't see him as much as I'd like because I know that in his wife's mind I'm a bit of an unfortunately alive Rebecca figure, i.e. the ex who's evil and perfect in equal measure. She has no reason to feel threatened by me, but she does, and I try to be understanding.

That having been said, I absolutely do still see him. I do invite her along, actually, it's her that doesn't want. It's really his choice whether he wants to be friends with his ex, IMO. I'd be livid if a partner tried to dictate whom I can and cannot see (I ended up dumping the one guy who tried).

This is obviously even more true for you, seeing as you have a child together and she seems to be way less serious for him.

I think I'd ignore her, TBH.

I think your enjoying the Drama is causes his new gf.. which he's clearly lying to you about...

good luck x

I can't stand drama. I'm very sad this has happened the way it has.

It's my ex's fault really as he could have arranged this much better. He could have been honest with both of us from the start.

We might even have got on!

Well its easy really just dont see him.Cant be fair on your dc playing happy families.Its coming across to me as i dont want him but nobody else can have him either.

Why would you need to even see him.Pass child over and you go do your own thing.

Its coming across to me as i dont want him but nobody else can have him either.

I would agree with this, though of course only OP knows her true feelings.

However, there are so many potential minefields here.

Are you quite sure ds knows you're not together/getting back together?

I was you many moons ago OP. MY DS is now nearly 16 but his dad and I broke up when he was a baby and continued having family days. I won't bore you with my life story. But... with my hindsight as your teacher, may I offer you my view and advice, which you don't have to take?

How old is DS (I trolled through the posts but didn't see his age pop out at me. Forgive me if you did mention it and I missed it)?

Oh I feel for you. But I'll be honest, unfortunately you're keeping each other from moving forward with your lives. You are both well intended towards your DS and in a way, you want to keep the family unit together as much as is possible. I felt this way very strongly after our break-up. I can still see my little boy's face light up with joy watching daddy and me from the playground swings. It made his world being with the two of us as a family.The problem was, he increasingly wanted us to be a unit all the time. It made him so sad that we weren't together under one roof and his dad and I weren't willing to give him that anymore. So instead, we teased him, unintentionally and with only goodness in our hearts, with false hope. When DS was around 5 years old, I pulled way back and made it about dad and son. I had to remove myself from the equation as it just wasn't right. We weren't a family. Who was I fooling? My son mainly. Dad moved on and found love with a GF. I didn't think it would last a year. It lasted nearly 5 years. As you wrote in your original message, the GF may not be around this time next year. Or maybe she will. Maybe, ten years down the line, this GF might be married to your ex and pregnant with baby number 4. DS might and probably will end up with siblings. Who knows what the future holds? The point is, you just don't know how your ex's and your future relationships will unfold.
But 'family day' once a week, in the place you're both in now, is too much. You don't need to be seeing your ex at all. But if family days give you guys some structure in the short term as you pull away, then maybe take it down a notch to once a month.

You kind of need to let go OP. I don't mean to say this in an accusatory way. And I am not implying that you're still in love with each other. I get where you're at. I still miss my ex. He was a great friend and in many ways, our mentalities and views on life are very similar. I miss that. But we both had to get on with rebuilding our own lives.

Believe me, you'll be hard pressed to meet a partner who will be down with the weekly visits with the ex. It doesn't matter how much you rationalise it or explain until you're blue in the face that it's a family day. There aren't many people out there who'd be delighted with this arrangement. Good luck to you.

You're posting pictures of you and him as if you're together, that makes her look like a mug and his bit on the side. She's a fool not to dump him.

No. I'm not going to stop our family days.

We both understand we don't have feelings for each other. We have remained friends and care about each other as friends only. I see no harm in enjoying one day a week together.

We were friends before we got together romantically and I don't think either of us could ever stop contact with each other. I would miss him and he would miss me.

We are very close but there is no sexual attraction from my side anyway. I strongly suspect I am a lesbian actually.

We have a great friendship. We speak every day. But we would never get on as romantic partners.

If one of us meet someone we really like Then this arrangement will naturally change and we will become less close I am sure.

I guess because from my side there is absolutely no sexual attraction I don't see any threat or issue with the arrangement. I know it's purely a friendship. I never loved him romantically and I'm sure I deep down only dated him to hide my sexuality.

I just see him as one of my male friends.

ok....

all the 'family' photos you keep posting on Facebook.... for who's benefit are they for ? is your son tagged in these photos ? or are they just posted to your sons Page ?

But he does like her if he's with her, whatever he says to you.
You are treating her as if she's insignificant and she's not.

The problem isn't that you're meeting up, it's that you're publicly present you and him as a couple and making a fool out of her. He's an arsehole for allowing you to disrespect her like that.

I think you like causing her embarrassment and upset. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else in there, you're marking your territory.

I can tell he really isn't interested in her at all.

I know him. It's obvious. I think even she knows it.

He's just lonely and wants to be with someone.

It's not a case of not wanting him to be with anyone. I care about him and would genuinely love for him to meet someone lovely that he genuinely liked.

The moment he really likes someone it will be obvious. I'm not sure what will happen then. We will see.

But it is not true I don't want anyone else to have him. It's really horrid to make a nasty presumption like that win absolutely no evidence whatsoever.

It couldn't be further from the truth.

It would be great for him to meet someone and for my son to have his life enriched with her presence.

I agree... the entire situation sounds calculating ... and he's spineless.. this guy refused to speak to you for an entire YEAR.... he's a creep