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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue meeting up with ex eventhough he's got a girlfriend

90 replies

user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 19:35

I was with my ex for 5 years and I left him two years ago. It was a very difficult decision but I just couldn't marry him as I simply wasn't in love with him.

It hit him hard as he loved me. For a year he couldn't even talk to me but about 12 months ago we started spending more time together.

For the last year we've had a very amicable arrangement where we meet up one day a week and have a 'family day'.

Unknown to me my ex got a new girlfriend. I only found out when she text me (from my ex's phone) saying I was manipulative and taking advantage of my ex and making him do me too many favours!

I didn't reply and just Blocked her. My ex ensured me he wasn't seeing her anymore and it was just a short lived dating.

We continued our weekly meet up and I would upload pics of our day on Facebook. Unknown to me my ex was still seeing this woman and every time she saw th pics of our day she would go mad.

My ex has said they're still together but they argue because she doesn't want him meeting up with me every week. I suppose I can understand that. He still wants to meet up but asked me not to put any pics of us both on social media.

I'm conflicted now. I hate the idea of 'secretly' meeting up. I hate he idea that I have to hide the fact I'm with my Son's Dad. I feel bad for meeting up at all if he's not being honest with his girlfriend so everything tells me to stop our meet ups.

However, my Son loves our family day out and as we both get on really well as friends it does seem a shame to stop over a girlfriend that is highly unlikely to be around this time next year.

I wouldn't know how to tell me Son we won't be having our family day anymore.

If I gave my ex an ultimatum me or her I am sure he would choose me and our son. But provided she's not evil I think it's good for him to have a girlfriend.

So what do I do? AIBU to keep having our 'family day' and just not put anything about it on social media. It's not me who is being sneaky it's my ex. Or would you just stop having them?

I Know some people might think it's a bad idea but it's worked well for over a year and we still get on very well. We're just not IN love with each other anymore.

OP posts:
CocoaLeaves · 25/06/2017 21:27

But you are calling it 'our family day' or versions thereof during the whole thread, you are not saying 'just meeting up'

It may be an aspect of your co-parenting, so call it that - not family day. Otherwise, you can see where confusion may arise.

Gemini69 · 25/06/2017 21:29

Cheesebubbles ex partner does not have a girlfriend .... I'm sure things will change when He does....

I don't have face book ... x

MissBax · 25/06/2017 21:33

Yes it's your Facebook, but if you're publishing photos of your son publicly u would just change your settings.

Original poster
user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 21:33

Yes we call it our family day.

We consider ourselves a family of sorts. Just because we're not IN love doesn't mean we can't be a family or sorts.

It works for us anyway. Isn't anyone else's business. I don't know why I bothered asking.

I just feel bad for th whole situation really.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 21:34

I can do what I like with my own Facebook.

Not my problem if I've got a Facebook stalker

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 25/06/2017 21:35

AIBU to keep having our 'family day' and just not put anything about it on social media

Then...

I've deactivated my account anyway

Then what's the problem?

Another here who thinks you like the drama, OP.

Gemini69 · 25/06/2017 21:36

your absolutely loving that your the 'issue' in your exes life hahahaaaaaa that last statement says it all OP...

I cannot understand why your gloating on here..

surely Face book is more your thing .. you can post photos on there ...

Northernparent68 · 25/06/2017 21:43

Are the family days fair on your son, he might think you and his father are going to get back together, it'd be better for his father to see him alone

MissBax · 25/06/2017 21:45

your absolutely loving that your the 'issue' in your exes life hahahaaaaaa that last statement says it all OP... haha exactly!

khajiit13 · 25/06/2017 21:47

These family days are to appease your own guilt and are doing not one of you any good. In the long run it will cause more heartache than good, your child included.

Rossigigi · 25/06/2017 21:47

OP I have a relationship like this with my xdp. But so many outings now but there was a few so I understand where you are coming from.
As my dp once told me 'when u met you I knew the dynamics with your ex and u can't fault him as a father so will never whinge about it.

Rossigigi · 25/06/2017 21:47

When I met you*

HildaOg · 25/06/2017 21:48

Are you gloating on here because you aren't getting enough attention from Facebook 'friends'?

MaroonPencil · 25/06/2017 21:52

I absolutely would not be with someone who spoke to his ex every day. Would you, OP? Really?

228agreenend · 25/06/2017 22:00

If I was ex's gf, I would be cheesed off if bf was speaking to ex on a daily basis, and spending one day a week with her.

Original poster
user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 22:01

I think people are putting a sinister twist on something that to my ex and I is a completely innocent thing.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 25/06/2017 22:04

It's completely innocent, except for the fact that your ex wants to hide it from his girlfriend that's he's definitely not really that interested in.

And you both simultaneously feel guilty but actually don't really care as it's your Facebook account to do as you please.

Right.

228agreenend · 25/06/2017 22:06

I agree with Wonder, if ex wants to hide your family days, then his motives are not innocent. If he had nothing to hide, then he would be open with gf. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt gf's feelings, but if this is the case, then she means more to him, than he is letting on

Aridane · 25/06/2017 22:07

Ugh. You sound smug and a pain in the arse tbh. Trying to paint yourself as some modern family and her being an issue. Frankly, you sound like you love the drama. I feel sorry for this woman.

The poster puts it a bit brutally - but can't say Indisagree

MadMags · 25/06/2017 22:10

This is very odd.

You refer to the meet ups as family days, you've just said you're a family of sorts yet you post:

I think because I'm simply not in love with him I don't see it as us being a 'family

You say you posted because you're not sure if you're being U by meeting up but are adamant that you have no intention of stopping.

So again; why the thread? Confused

Charley50 · 25/06/2017 22:33

All this secrecy is ridiculous. Your ex should stop hiding you both from each other and introduce you. Or he should just dump his gf, instead of sneaking around behind her back. So much unnecessary drama. Does he know you're a lesbian and have no feelings for him?
Also, did you take on board what a pp said about raising false hopes in her DS, with her family days with her ex?

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 22:46

They are family. Confused

They have a biological unbreakable connection they are the definition of family.

This a weird thread. Such nastiness on MN as of late.

Id have absolutely no problem with a man taking to his ex that he has a child with every day because they're parents every day. How fucking pathetic and needy are some of you are that you'd dump someone for not you putting you before their child.

Osolea · 25/06/2017 23:13

OP, just want to say, you don't have to justify your relationship to people who have no chance of understanding. Good co parenting relationships that are also friendships can happen but it's rare so people don't understand it. I was in a not completely dissimilar situation with my ex and our children, and now over a decade later, I can honestly say it's worked for us.

MadMags · 25/06/2017 23:16

What are you actually on about, cheese?

Op said she didn't consider them to be a family!

PookieDo · 25/06/2017 23:18

My DP spends time with his ex. It's not family days out but it can be frequent. He also does her favours. I will admit that I don't always like it and I have felt jealous but i wouldn't ever tell him he had to stop. Partly it's my problem so I have to just accept I trust him and nothing would ever happen between them - and I do trust him so I just do a Frozen and let it go

This woman may well not be right for him but it would be really out of order if he did this in secret. He's entitled to do what he wants and if she can't accept it maybe they need to break up. But secrets and lying is really horrible. So I wouldn't go along with that part