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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To continue meeting up with ex eventhough he's got a girlfriend

90 replies

user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 19:35

I was with my ex for 5 years and I left him two years ago. It was a very difficult decision but I just couldn't marry him as I simply wasn't in love with him.

It hit him hard as he loved me. For a year he couldn't even talk to me but about 12 months ago we started spending more time together.

For the last year we've had a very amicable arrangement where we meet up one day a week and have a 'family day'.

Unknown to me my ex got a new girlfriend. I only found out when she text me (from my ex's phone) saying I was manipulative and taking advantage of my ex and making him do me too many favours!

I didn't reply and just Blocked her. My ex ensured me he wasn't seeing her anymore and it was just a short lived dating.

We continued our weekly meet up and I would upload pics of our day on Facebook. Unknown to me my ex was still seeing this woman and every time she saw th pics of our day she would go mad.

My ex has said they're still together but they argue because she doesn't want him meeting up with me every week. I suppose I can understand that. He still wants to meet up but asked me not to put any pics of us both on social media.

I'm conflicted now. I hate the idea of 'secretly' meeting up. I hate he idea that I have to hide the fact I'm with my Son's Dad. I feel bad for meeting up at all if he's not being honest with his girlfriend so everything tells me to stop our meet ups.

However, my Son loves our family day out and as we both get on really well as friends it does seem a shame to stop over a girlfriend that is highly unlikely to be around this time next year.

I wouldn't know how to tell me Son we won't be having our family day anymore.

If I gave my ex an ultimatum me or her I am sure he would choose me and our son. But provided she's not evil I think it's good for him to have a girlfriend.

So what do I do? AIBU to keep having our 'family day' and just not put anything about it on social media. It's not me who is being sneaky it's my ex. Or would you just stop having them?

I Know some people might think it's a bad idea but it's worked well for over a year and we still get on very well. We're just not IN love with each other anymore.

OP posts:

Sunbeam18 · 25/06/2017 23:27

Why are you so desperate for us to think that your ex doesn't have strong feelings for his girlfriend?? Why would you care? You sound like a troublemaker and a bit of a nightmare, tbh

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/06/2017 06:48

Why are you so desperate for us to think that your ex doesn't have strong feelings for his girlfriend??

This. The whole thing just reads as very off.

Brittbugs80 · 26/06/2017 07:01

But you are not a family unit anymore. You and your son are a family, your ex and son are a family. The three of you? No.

He's already lied to you about not seeing her when he is, and he shouldn't have to. You don't love him, you don't want him, let him go. You've already decided she may not be around this time next year but unfortunately that's not your decision to make.

Has your ex lied before? Or has he told you he's not with her because you've threatened to stop family day and he's scared you will stop contact?

I'm struggling to see why this family day has to happen? You can get on and be civil and friendly without having to make a whole day of it once a week which actually benefits no one.

MyOtherProfile · 26/06/2017 07:08

If one of us meet someone we really like Then this arrangement will naturally change and we will become less close I am sure.
Not likely to happen. You're too invested in each other and not free to meet someone else. You've declared that he doesn't really feel for his gf but he hasn't really got chance for this relationship to grow because he's too invested in you as part of his family. It's sweet that you're doing this for your son but does mean, whatever you say about I think because I'm simply not in love with him I don't see it as us being a 'family'. To me it's just an innocent meet up. in reality you're investing in this family unit and there's no space for either of you to build a new family with anyone else.

pinkhorse · 26/06/2017 07:19

How long are these family days going to continue though? At some point you will have to stop them and your son will be upset so you are just delaying the inevitable.

I think you are confusing your son.

One day a week is way too much. Assuming you both work that only leaves one day a week for anything else. Neither of you will find anyone else if you continue that arrangement.

RebelRogue · 26/06/2017 07:23

How many times a week does he see his son WITHOUT you?

SparklyMagpie · 26/06/2017 07:31

I'm also wondering this

Isetan · 26/06/2017 07:31

Wow,

So basically when either of you hooks up with someone that you 'really like' then the weekly family days will be probably be over, nice to see that your feelings and sensilities and not your child, are at the heart of the contact arrangements. You both sound self-centred and I can see why you are friends. His 'gf' needs to get as far away from this spineless user and his self-centred Ex as possible.

The real victim in this is your child, who appears to have parents who lack compassion and whose selfish wants take priority. Here's a novel idea, how about centering contact around your son.

haveacupoftea · 26/06/2017 07:37

Why do you have to solve this problem? You don't get to choose if he has a girlfriend or not. Just continue as you were and let him sort it out.

JollyRodger · 26/06/2017 07:55

What happens when he does meet someone that he really does love? And you aren't a priority or when you find someone that you love? Will you just stop family days then?

Mammylamb · 26/06/2017 08:21

I don't think your son should have to sacrifice his family days for some woman his dad is briefly dating. If it was real love between your ex and this woman, they would find a way to make it work(i.e. She could meet you to put her mind at rest)

OhhBetty · 26/06/2017 09:54

I don't understand how these family days are "for your son" but also that you would cut them down if you met someone else?
Also you're adamant that you don't have feelings for your ex but also adamant he has no feelings for his girlfriend. Something is off.
Fwiw I still consider ds, myself and my ex as a family but whatever you call it is by the by I suppose. Ex cheated on me and has behaved appallingly at times but we still spent ds's birthday all together. I can't say what ex would do if he had a relationship but my partner knows I will do what my son would like to do as long as it's appropriate. I still spend time with ex's family as they still think of me as family. No ulterior motives or anything like that.
I do however know what it's like to be lied to and wouldn't be a part of it with my ex.

RebelRogue · 26/06/2017 17:56

What a surprise..OP hasn't come back.

GivePeasAGo · 29/06/2017 20:16

Yanbu about keeping up coparenting day though I would worry as a previous poster said that it could give your ds false hope you'd get together again.

I would wonder if your ex is still in love with you. In the year he cut contact with you did he still see your ds?

Foniks · 29/06/2017 20:31

Well, he clearly has little respect for you both, or he wouldn't lie to you both like he has done, and he wouldn't meet you "but let's keep it secret"
Wtf....
All this is bs, and a recipe for disaster. But, it looks like both of you are happy to put up with lies and baby father drama, so, whatever...

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