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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to come back?

97 replies

IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:28

DH instigated divorce, can't go into details on here but it turns out the grass wasn't greener, it was full of thistles.
I've been through hell and back for a year and was absolutely devastated especially as it was right before an important anniversary which I was so happy about and was planning a big party to celebrate. This was the second time he wanted to end our marriage. We've been together for a long time.
I've now got my life in order and I'm looking forward to the future again, I've got a great new job and I've paid off my debts.
I've tried not to think about my future without him but it should be ok, I've always been afraid of growing old alone.
Trouble is after what I've been through the last year my feelings for him have died. I just can't seem to get them back, we were so in love for so long. I simply cannot arouse any enthusiasm for getting back together for a decond time.
AIBU for not wanting to give it another go and saving my marriage before the absolute comes through.

OP posts:
JimmyChoosChimichanga · 25/06/2017 07:31

In your shoes I would be sitting cross legged on the mat waiting for that absolute to drop through. I would grasp it with both hands, coat myself with lard and sprinkles and dance around the town singing Hallelujah !

HTH

justpoppingby · 25/06/2017 07:32

I don't think yabu at all. I think you sound quite savvy and doing fine as you are. Who knows what the future will bring and you're not necessarily going to be lonely in your old age. 

Hotbot · 25/06/2017 07:34

Yanbu to want security or happiness Utd eb sent the way to it.
Why don't you push on with finalising , but if you still want him just date him. You know he will do the same again don't you

AdalindSchade · 25/06/2017 07:34

I really wouldn't go back again after all he put you through. It would be for convenience rather than anything else wouldn't it?

Rainybo · 25/06/2017 07:35

Don't do it!

Why on earth would you want to give up your happiness and stability in order to rescue him?

As a fellow recovering rescuer, it's hard, but you need to treat yourself with love and respect. Letting him come back will be minimising yourself.

What will it take for you to stop feeling responsible for him?

MrsKlugscheisser · 25/06/2017 07:36

Let him live in his field of thistles.

Saiman · 25/06/2017 07:38

Yanbu. You are in a better place.

He wants to come back because you are in a better place and he is not. Not becaise he realises he made a huge mistake and loves you. Not because he wants to grow old with you.

But because you are the better option at the moment. He doesnt love you. He wants to drag you down to where he is.

Well done op it sounds like it been a difficult road, but you have done so well. Just keeping moving forward.

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:38

Jimmy you did make me laugh and Just thanks for the good advice Smile I'm thinking let the divorce go through.
I think once it's dead it's dead. I would always resent him for this if he came back and that is not a good basis for an equal relationship.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 25/06/2017 07:40

YANBU OP

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:41

And many thanks everyne who posted after that - it's what I've been thinking too.

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 25/06/2017 07:41

Why on earth would it be unreasonable after everything you have gone through? He put you through that, and no he doesn't deserve another chance just because it didn't work out for him without you. You say you have got yourself to a place where you are looking to the future, carry on in that direction and make a happy life for yourself.
I think he has got a nerve requesting a reconciliation!

troodiedoo · 25/06/2017 07:43

Full of thistles, brilliant. Carry on doing amazingly well by yourself and wait for that absolute and enjoy a happy drama free life.

Berthatydfil · 25/06/2017 07:43

It's dead and he's the murderer.
He can't just decide to come back now that things haven't worked out for him.
It's like he expected your life to freeze he pressed the pause button and now he wants to press play. Well it didn't your life moved on.
It's time he learned that actions have consequences.

ClopySow · 25/06/2017 07:45

I'm sure there are ways you could rebuild a relationship if that's what you wanted, but it would take a huge amount of effort, especially from him.

westeringhome · 25/06/2017 07:45

I had an Ex-DH like this. Tried to end the marriage a couple of times then eventually left to live with his bit on the side and there were many times initially when I would have welcomed him back regardless. Once I had begun rebuilding and enjoying my new life without him, he also realised the grass was definitely not greener was begging to get back. He didn't like that I was no longer sitting waiting for him. I didn't even have to think about it - the answer was no. He had the cheek to turn round and tell me to "...just remember who was ending the marriage then!.." emm ok. Fast forward years and I'm sooooo glad I didn't have him back. My life is sorted, I'm happy and OP it sounds like yours is too. Hang in there for your Absolute that's all I can say Wink

QueenofLouisiana · 25/06/2017 07:46

You are a strong, independent woman. You have done things to help yourself into a better place.

Let him piss on his own thistles and enjoy sunbathing on your own lawn in peace. Get the champagne in to drink when the absolute comes through- you deserve it.

LellyMcKelly · 25/06/2017 07:48

Do not take him back! You don't want him or need him, so why would you bother?

chumpchange · 25/06/2017 07:50

It was already the second time he'd tried to end it?

Now he wants to come back? Until the next time he ends it.

Obviously none of us know anything about the details of your relationship but as Dr Phil says, the best indicator of future behaviour is... past behaviour. And his past behaviour is something you can do without.

Move on. There's something else in your future OP, not just a back-and-forth with some man treating you like a tap he can turn on and off. Let him sort out his own issues.

chumpchange · 25/06/2017 07:51

*He had the cheek to turn round and tell me to "...just remember who was ending the marriage then!.."

Westering seriously?!? ShockShock

HeteronormativeHaybales · 25/06/2017 07:52

He's done this TWICE. If he had only done it once I might consider whether his remorse is genuine, but twice smacks, to be frank, of pisstaking. He seems to think he can treat you how he likes and always come back to you when it suits. Make sure he has another think coming and that it comes to him in his field of thistles. Enjoy your lovely lawn :)

prettywhiteguitar · 25/06/2017 07:55

Yes my ex would have loved knowing I would be single and ready to take him back when I was ready and he had grown up, except I met someone else who is amazing and made me realise it's not normal or nice to treat someone like that.

Let him go and enjoy yourself, you don't have to worry about him anymore x

prettywhiteguitar · 25/06/2017 07:56

Sorry when He was ready ! He couldn't decide what he wanted either. Luckily I made that decision for him

expatinscotland · 25/06/2017 07:57

So if he'd been happy with his bit on the side, he wouldn't have given you a look in, but since his Plan A didn't work out, he'll conveniently use you as an option? Wow, he thinks a lot of himself, doesn't he? Let the divorce go through. You're just a fallback position to him. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2017 07:58

Have fun. Don't give the dick a second thought. He certainly didn't when he was shagging around.

Mix56 · 25/06/2017 08:00

There is no guarantee he won't leave a 3rd time, after all you have forgiven him previously. You are the present that keeps giving.
personally I'm not a gambler, & would enjoy my new found security.

You need to decide if he will potentially make you happier or unhappier.