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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to come back?

97 replies

IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:28

DH instigated divorce, can't go into details on here but it turns out the grass wasn't greener, it was full of thistles.
I've been through hell and back for a year and was absolutely devastated especially as it was right before an important anniversary which I was so happy about and was planning a big party to celebrate. This was the second time he wanted to end our marriage. We've been together for a long time.
I've now got my life in order and I'm looking forward to the future again, I've got a great new job and I've paid off my debts.
I've tried not to think about my future without him but it should be ok, I've always been afraid of growing old alone.
Trouble is after what I've been through the last year my feelings for him have died. I just can't seem to get them back, we were so in love for so long. I simply cannot arouse any enthusiasm for getting back together for a decond time.
AIBU for not wanting to give it another go and saving my marriage before the absolute comes through.

OP posts:
TestTubeTeen · 25/06/2017 08:00

Your feelings for him have 'died' you haveno enthusiasm ' for getting back together.

So why would you?

You have done brilliantly, with your great job, living free of debt, a great future. Discover what other happinesses your future holds.

Don't let a cheat use you as his insurance policy and drag you back to a life as his emotional doormat!

Go and enjoy the life you have built.

DontOpenDeadInside · 25/06/2017 08:01

I always think of the song by The Beautiful South -need a little time.
When the woman sings her bit. He wanted out and didn't like it, but tough cos she found out she was better off without him.

Giddyaunt18 · 25/06/2017 08:01

If it was the first time I think maybe you might consider a slow dating scenario to see if feelings will come back but you said it's the second time he wanted to end it. Sounds to me like you're the comfy base when all else fails. You're in a strong place right now, I wouldn't risk it and the fact that you no longer have feelings for him is the most important factor here. Go forward and love your life!

Creampastry · 25/06/2017 08:08

Get divorced!! Enjoy your life!!

Ellisandra · 25/06/2017 08:09

You'd actually be unreasonable if you did take him back!

Twice. (and sounds like at least this last time he cheated - which means there's every possibility he has before and you don't know)

And it's not like he said "things are OK, I'm seeing someone and she's nice, really - but... I realised it was you I wanted..."
He only wants to come back because he's not happy where he is.
Remember that behaviour? When he's not happy, he doesn't fix it - he jumps. Exactly what he did to you, and will do to you again in future.

Stay strong. And I agree you need to stick The Beautiful South on!

user1497863568 · 25/06/2017 08:10

Didn't you post about this last year? I seem to remember a thread similar to the situation you described (including the big party planned). How he did he approach you about reconciling? If you can see yourself in a good place without him (and don't worry about being alone - if you're happy you will attract others) I would be very, very careful about letting him back into your life again.

Florence16 · 25/06/2017 08:13

You've done the hard bit, he will see you were the one that got away and what a moron he is. But that's his problem and not yours. Well done for achieving all that you have solo, it's proof you don't need him Flowers

Anniegetyourgun · 25/06/2017 08:14

It's time for that song again! Never more appropriate.

PsychedelicSheep · 25/06/2017 08:16

My exh did this. Before we split he was going out drinking all the time, never saw the kids, would lie on the sofa all day hungover and never join us in what we were doing. Then I caught him sneaking around with his best friends girlfriend and he left, saying he didn't know what he wanted Hmm

He moved out and was seeing her, although he denied it. I was upset at first but quickly moved on and embraced single life and single parenthood. Then about six months later he begged to come back, would turn up on my doorstep crying and upset the kids Angry

I said no and he also blamed me for ending the marriage, cheeky fucker!

We're good friends now and he's still with 'OW'. I have my own house and a lovely boyfriend and good career and am happy Smile

You will be too Flowers

IcingSausage · 25/06/2017 08:29

As a pp says, you'd be very unreasonable if you were to take him back!

He's left you twice, he'd do it again in a heartbeat if he thought that grass had greened up again. He's using you as a fallback and you deserve so much more.

You've done an amazing job sorting your life out without him. Don't let him back just to watch him destroy it all again.

Yours is such a positive story OP, give it a happy ending!

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 08:57

yes I agree, my marriage meant everything to me. So much I was prepared to give him a chance last time but nothing got better over 5 years so it's time to move on :-) Thanks everyone for helping me to sort out my own thoughts Smile

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 25/06/2017 09:01

I wouldn't go back even if someone paid me, im noones sloppy seconds

flibberdee · 25/06/2017 09:01

Onwards and upwards, OP. All the very best in your future without that dead weight Flowers

MorrisZapp · 25/06/2017 09:02

I've read enough womens fiction to know how this plays out. You're going to lose weight without trying, and a new guy at your work is going to see all the things in you that your blinkered ex failed to.

But seriously, why on earth would you give him a third chance? This is your own life, you know you can be happy and fulfilled without this guy dragging you down. This is just the beginning of your new adventure.

CBC1644346 · 25/06/2017 09:12

YANBU.

I'm not sure why anyone would even consider it

Ethylred · 25/06/2017 09:15

Your feelings for him have died.

Why are you even asking the question?

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 09:57

I wish there was a like button on mumsnet, I'd be liking everything. I always thought that marriage was for life and you had to do everything in your power to work at it but right now I think I've worked at it quite enough.
Leaving me for a new life that didn't work out is not a good enough reason for coming back.
Apart from health issues I'm doing great and I can manage my health problems if I have nobody else to worry about.
I used to be mermaidinthesea123 but I lost my password.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2017 10:02

You would be very foolish to take him back. Don't be his soft landing (again)....it would only be a matter of time before he shit on you again. His pretty words mean nothing.

Inertia · 25/06/2017 10:08

Even if you were to allow him back, he'd be off again as soon as he found another opportunity. You'd have to start rebuilding your life all over again.

Your priority is to your own health and wellbeing, and that of any children you have. You owe no responsibility to the concept of marriage.

MickeyRooney · 25/06/2017 10:09

So, he instigated ending it twice.
he did go in the end, without as much as a backward glance, and now he wants back in again.

don't let this prick use you and boss you around.
he'll more than likely try to leave again at a later stage anyway.

i wouldn't let him inside my door ever, ever again.

AlternativeTentacle · 25/06/2017 10:10

I always thought that marriage was for life

Marriage is a piece of paper. What holds it together is the relationship and if you haven't got that, what good is a piece of paper?

chumpchange · 25/06/2017 10:15

Yy to marriage being a piece of paper.

It's a relationship between two people. You can't do it on your own.

MatildaTheCat · 25/06/2017 10:19

Why would you? Being alone doesn't have to mean lonely and you may meet someone anyway.

The fact that he's asked you to consider this is actually shameful after the way he has treated you. He is the one fearing a lonely old age and he is, in fact the master of his destiny in that respect. No way are you responsible for helping him.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 25/06/2017 10:22

I know counsellor s talk about rebuilding trust, but there is really no logical reason to try to trust this man ever again. Logic will tell you that, even IF you still loved him (which you clearly don't), you really shouldn't trust this man again.
Dismiss him, he's not worth any more of your attention, and carry on building your new life OP

happypoobum · 25/06/2017 10:29

He basically wants you to be his fallback. He's got a fucking nerve hasn't he?

You sound brilliant and I can't see any reason why you would take him back again just so he can shit all over you again when the mood takes him. You might not find it so easy to pick yourself up and dust yourself down next time Sad

Just tell him thanks, but no thanks.