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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to come back?

97 replies

IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:28

DH instigated divorce, can't go into details on here but it turns out the grass wasn't greener, it was full of thistles.
I've been through hell and back for a year and was absolutely devastated especially as it was right before an important anniversary which I was so happy about and was planning a big party to celebrate. This was the second time he wanted to end our marriage. We've been together for a long time.
I've now got my life in order and I'm looking forward to the future again, I've got a great new job and I've paid off my debts.
I've tried not to think about my future without him but it should be ok, I've always been afraid of growing old alone.
Trouble is after what I've been through the last year my feelings for him have died. I just can't seem to get them back, we were so in love for so long. I simply cannot arouse any enthusiasm for getting back together for a decond time.
AIBU for not wanting to give it another go and saving my marriage before the absolute comes through.

OP posts:
thismumismad · 25/06/2017 13:20

6 months after leaving us and leaving me with 15k+ of debt (bankrupt) my stbxh said he'd like to come back but things have to change. I won't be crude and say what he actually said I'd need to do, but suffice to say I looked him in the eyes and said "I haven't missed you." I still don't.

gillybeanz · 25/06/2017 13:30

You sound like your life is well on track and if you have him back you'll always be wondering when he will want to throw in the towel again.
If it was the first time and you both realised you were better together than apart, then yes, it might be worth a try.
But as this isn't the first time and you've gone this far, like a pp suggested, wait for the final paperwork and have a party.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 25/06/2017 13:41

Tell him that you prefer being divorced to being with him, even if it means remaining single (which you won't because most people move on into new relationships).

Don't even consider giving him a third chance to treat you so badly when you are so close to getting the decree absolute.

Allow yourself a smug feeling to know that not only did the green grass turn out to have thistles, your ex has clearly stepped into a large cowpat!

TheNaze73 · 25/06/2017 14:46

Don't let him back into your life. He'll do it again

KungFuEric · 25/06/2017 14:59

I think you are making the right choice for you.

What has he actually said? Has he been heartfelt and apologised for being a dick who made a massive mistake and lost the love of his life, or do you think it's just dawned on him that the practicalities of life are made simpler if he doesn't get divorced?

HildaOg · 25/06/2017 15:00

Move on and be happy. If you want to be married again then there are plenty of nice men out there, take your time in finding the right one.

He doesn't love you, he wants to use you everytime his plans don't work and if you were to take him back he would put you through all the misery again. There's no point. It's over and there's no relationship or happy future with him.

OlennasWimple · 25/06/2017 15:03

Fool me once....

Though having said that I know two couples who divorced and subsequently got back together some years down the line - neither has got married again, though

Mummmy2017 · 25/06/2017 16:55

There was a big news paper article about just this last year,

Woman now seem to be able to move on and create a new life for themselves.

The men seem to be realising what they let go and get bitter.

All i can say is fly free and have a great life.

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 19:46

Well I think what settled it for me was that he left me when I was seriously ill and needed hospital treatment with no money, no hot water and no car.
I had to go and look for a better paid job whilst in and out of hospital and with the prospect of having to use a wheelchair if my treatment failed (luckily it didn't so I have a few years reprieve).
He was gone for 9 months but not just gone was very nasty adding mental stress to my other problems.
Now he is "sorry". Quite honestly if I let him back in my life it would be pretty clear I had absolutely no self respect.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/06/2017 19:54

Twice he has wanted to end your marriage. Don't give him the chance to go for a hat-trick. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair. This sounds like it fits that category. Onward and upward OP!

Butterymuffin · 25/06/2017 20:08

As well as The Beautiful South, the other song you need is Yes by McAlmont and Butler. Hard to get a good version on YouTube but it's worth buying or downloading.

Ellie56 · 25/06/2017 20:15

AIBU for not wanting to give it another go and saving my marriage before the absolute comes through.

Er no. He had his chance and blew it twice. You've got over him now and you don't need him in your life any more. Tell him to get lost in the thistles.

Then have the big party that you were planning for your wedding anniversary, but celebrate your divorce and the start of the rest of your life instead. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2017 20:23

Taking him back would be the biggest mistake of your life. It really is as simple as that.

littlemissneela · 25/06/2017 22:11

I was already about to write embrace that absolute with both hands, but this just makes me say do a happy dance as well whilst holding it

Well I think what settled it for me was that he left me when I was seriously ill and needed hospital treatment with no money, no hot water and no car

Utter utter bastard. You are so much better off without this person in your life. He wants you back, but for how long? Until someone else comes along? Its a pattern that will continue if you let it, but you have the power to stop this now.
Heres to the rest of your life Flowers Wine

AdoraBell · 25/06/2017 22:21

OP get that absolute and frame it.

Bloomed · 26/06/2017 00:12

Crikey what an utter arse. I'd only be communicating through lawyers if I were you.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/06/2017 00:28

The grass only looks greener because it's fertilised with bullshit.

MickeyRooney · 26/06/2017 13:21

The more info you give, the more you are justified in telling him to go and fuck off for himself.

what a colossal prick.
don't waiver - never take the bastard back.

StormTreader · 26/06/2017 13:37

Hes always looking for the greener grass, isnt he?
Now you're picking yourself up, its you again. Once the next temptation comes along, he'll be off again. Cut him loose now and save yourself the heartache and admin.

Theresnonamesleft · 26/06/2017 13:47

I would laugh in his face.
He would be confused because he is seriously deluded.
I would laugh more and tell him he must think I'm an idiot if I would take him back. Life might not be rosy for you on the other side. But for me not only is it rosy but the unicorns are constantly farting clear days, and the grass is a wonderful shade of green. Why should I settle for bottle of the barrel?

Original poster
IrritatedUser1960 · 26/06/2017 18:06

I think that is unanimous then Smile

He isn't coming back.

OP posts:
flibberdee · 27/06/2017 09:16

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

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