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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to come back?

97 replies

IrritatedUser1960 · 25/06/2017 07:28

DH instigated divorce, can't go into details on here but it turns out the grass wasn't greener, it was full of thistles.
I've been through hell and back for a year and was absolutely devastated especially as it was right before an important anniversary which I was so happy about and was planning a big party to celebrate. This was the second time he wanted to end our marriage. We've been together for a long time.
I've now got my life in order and I'm looking forward to the future again, I've got a great new job and I've paid off my debts.
I've tried not to think about my future without him but it should be ok, I've always been afraid of growing old alone.
Trouble is after what I've been through the last year my feelings for him have died. I just can't seem to get them back, we were so in love for so long. I simply cannot arouse any enthusiasm for getting back together for a decond time.
AIBU for not wanting to give it another go and saving my marriage before the absolute comes through.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 25/06/2017 10:29

I always thought people had to really work at a marriage but what I learnt it wasn't worth while if only one person was doing that.

You have passed the point of no return. He doesn't like it.

Be proud and move on.

happypoobum · 25/06/2017 10:30

Sorry - didn't mean to make it sound like it had been "easy" to recover this time, just that you have done a good job of it.....

rightwhine · 25/06/2017 10:48

He's made his own bed. Tough luck that it's full of lumps and the springs are poking out. The bed he made for you is lovely and warm and snugly. He did you a favor in leaving you. Don't let him mess your bed up now. Luxuriate in its loveliness.

Neutrogena · 25/06/2017 10:54

I always thought that marriage was for life

That's the problem - romantic idealism.
The sooner people get rid of the Hollywood ideal of weddings/marriages out of their heads the better.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 25/06/2017 10:56

Oooh - no, don't take him back. He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

He's had two opportunities to make this work - he doesn't get to come back for a third time and shit all over you. So life isn't as rosy as he thought it was? Well boo-fucking-hoo!

The best revenge is living well.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/06/2017 10:58

💐 For you OP, look how far you've come, don't ever allow yourself to visit that miserable place, in your life, again.
He is down on his luck. Leave the old donkey, to chew his thistles.
You're in a good place now, things can only get better !

Bingeslayer · 25/06/2017 10:58

Youve proved how strong you are without him,you're doing good without him,he sees this and wants to gain back control over You,please don't give it to him.
Send him on his merry way while you forge ahead into a brighter future.

Mrsfluff · 25/06/2017 11:00

You sound like you are doing brilliantly! Please don't be his safety net - you've moved on. Get your divorce and get on with carving out your new life. It really will be worth it.

Berthatydfil · 25/06/2017 11:00

Marriage was for life when there wasn't any contraception, sex out side of marriage was culturally frowned on, women had little or no economic power and life expectancy was much much lower than it is today.

It's an out dated concept and certainly no reason to stay with a totally entitled dick like that.

C8H10N4O2 · 25/06/2017 11:00

Let the absolute progress and continue with your life. You may rebuild a friendship with him over time but do it from a position of independence.

I know quite a few women divorced in middle age after long marriages. Usually there is the mid-life OW involved but not always. Many have struggled financially having focused on family at the expense of their career.

The one thing none of them regret is getting their independence back - even where its a struggle financially they have all 'grown' and found themselves happier a year or two down the line.

user1471545174 · 25/06/2017 11:08

DontOpenDeadInside I thought of that song, too!

Nanny0gg · 25/06/2017 11:10

Does he want to come back because he can't bear seeing that only are you coping without him, but things are actually better without him?

His field has thistles, yours has cornflowers and poppies and he doesn't like that.

Bluerose27 · 25/06/2017 11:13

I can't see anywhere in your posts the reasons that you want to take him back. Did I miss something?

Is it that you're worried about being alone? Is that the only pro you can think of? If it is, there's still no guarantee that either he won't leave you again or that , further down the line, he won't be the first to die (sorry to be so blunt)

You sound like you're having a great time without him and have sorted your life out to your satisfaction. Well done!!! Keep it up!! Don't take him back xx

PetalHead · 25/06/2017 11:14

Trouble is after what I've been through the last year my feelings for him have died.

I know how that feels and I don't think there's any way back from it. You'd only be doing this out of feeling sorry for him or guilty that you "should" persist at your marriage - but your feelings matter most when it comes to a decision about your life. And on top of that as PP's say he'll almost certainly do the same thing again when some "greener" grass catches his eye.

This happens so often, women realise it's actually quite nice without their ex and life opens up. Then back he comes because he doesn't like the idea of not having the option. Ugh.

It happened to me ages ago with an ex-fiance (pre kids) and the look on his face when I said no, I'd moved on and wasn't prepared to try again. Sheer incomprehension Hmm

MaryLennoxsScowl · 25/06/2017 11:20

HELL NO!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/06/2017 11:23

Where was your husband when you were going to hell and back this year? Scared and worried and miserable? Was he sorry? Was he trying to at least be supportive of you? Trying to make you feel even the tiniest bit better and hopeful of a new future without him? Doing his bit to make your life in any way nicer or easier, regardless of the ongoing divorce?

I don't think he was, IrritatedUser, I think he left and never looked back and you know it. For reasons of loyalty and what you had with him before, you're glancing backwards and wondering if you could have it again. But you know you can't and deep down, you really don't want it.

You have a new life now and it's great and full of promise. Wish your husband well (for your sake) and don't look back anymore. All the very best to you. Thanks

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 25/06/2017 11:25

Never let yourself be someone's Plan B; they're always on the lookout for Plan A.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/06/2017 11:27

Sorry - you were scared, worried and miserable being left like that.

If I cheated on my husband and instigated divorce, I would feel horrible inside and I would want to do any little thing I could to make it easier and happier for him because I would be truly sorry at how things had turned out. That's the point I was trying to make.

What did your (ex) husband do for you?

category12 · 25/06/2017 11:32

I'm so glad you're not taking him back. Why on earth does he think you should be his safety net? What a prick.

WaahImTellingTheDorchester · 25/06/2017 11:54

So you're not first choice, but if there's nothing better happening he'll settle for you.

No.

Leaving aside the utter insult of the whole thing, on a purely practical level, I'd say that if one thing you DON'T want is to be alone in later life, then it's a no-brainer. Get back with a man who's shown you quite clearly that he gives Not A Fuck for you as a person and fully intends to use you until the next patch of bright green grass comes along? Or be glad he showed his colours now and get rid, giving you the opportunity to meet someone who will REALLY be there for you as a true friend and partner in the future? No contest.

He's really a very unpleasant person, isn't he?

I hope that telling him to go ahead and enjoy that greener grass he hasn't found is very satisfying.

WankStainWasher · 25/06/2017 12:07

it was right before an important anniversary which I was so happy about and was planning a big party to celebrate

When your decree comes through, you can have your big party and celebrate.

Don't look back, move forward and never settle because you're worried about growing old alone. Being with someone like him for the rest of your life will eat away at your very soul.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/06/2017 12:25

I know what you mean about marriage for life. I believed was that sometimes marriage isn't easy and you need to work at it and part of that commitment is to at least make an effort to make it work, rather than running at the first few bumps.
However, as someone else upthread said: you can work as hard as you can but it's not going to work if you're the only one putting in the effort.
Sometimes I'm sorry my marriage limped on for so long, but others I'm glad it did because I can look back and know I did my best and it really wasn't my fault.

I also had that disbelieving 'can't believe you're ending it.'
Nope. I didn't end it. He did. Every time he slept with one of his OW, every time he lied, every time he put me down to feel better about his own behaviour. That was him ending it.

Old luck, OP and don't look back. The grass is greener on the other side (for us that is)

Bloomed · 25/06/2017 12:31

You sound apologetic that you don't love him. No need for that. I'd be saying quite bluntly 'sorry no, I don't love you.'
You could find someone to grow old with who deserves to share your life.

user1492970817 · 25/06/2017 12:31

He instigated leaving your marriage twice, who is too say he won't want out again. Don't take him back, you seem to have your life sorted why upset the status quo.

Hermonie2016 · 25/06/2017 13:10

How has he tried to reconcile? Have you discussed finances, just suspicious that is a motivator.

Once trust is broken so significantly I doubt you can go back, he showed himself to be a person you didn't like.