DH swearing around baby

[tonightonight]

Okay, so firstly, I'm not going to leave him, that isn't the answer to this problem so please don't suggest that.
My DH is a fantastic dad. Honestly if there was one person destined to be a family man it was him. He is so supportive, kind, caring and more than I ever dreamed of.
But we have a problem. He swears all the time when he is frustrated. And it's not just 'fuck' under his breath. He full on shouts and storms around.
When our son is being difficult he gets so frustrated and shouts fuck this and fuck that. He won't fucking do this or there's nothing fucking wrong with him etc.
I've asked him to stop because a) I get very protective when he does this b) I hate the idea of anyone swearing at/around my baby and c) it's a bad habit to get into as the baby is only going to get bigger and more aware.
He says it's not a problem because he obviously won't do it when the baby can understand what he's saying but I really need him to stop. We've spoken about it and he promised he would and he did for a while, but it creeps back in and I'm fed up.
If I've had a long, difficult day of dealing with DS I feel like I don't get to 'share the load' when he gets in because I know he'll just get frustrated. DS rarely cries though, when he does it's loud and can sometimes only be soothed by going out in the pram or in the car. But as he's 6 months I need him to start being able to sooth himself a bit more. When DH is dealing with him when he's upset after I've been told to sit down and rest, I end up having to take over anyways and DH sulks that DS calms down around me.
Does that make any sense? Probably not, I'm a bit frazzled after another fight about it.

@lelapaletute yea we're EBF. He does feel powerless and often brings baby to me for a feed when I know full well it's a tired cry or something. I think you're right here.

He knows he can't act like this in a few months when DS is more aware of what's going on

Your DS is aware NOW of what is going on. Your DH needs to accept that and get himself some help. Only strong men accept they need help - he's being pretty weak if he can't even face asking for help. Tell him that

Your husband is not fantastic, he is aggressive. Your baby will pick up on this, when he is a toddler, little boy, pre teen, teen he will learn how to be aggressive from his "wonderful" father.
OP stop pretending what a fantastic dad your DH is. Otherwise in a few years you will be posting as to why your little boy is shouting and being aggressive.

Op continues to completely ignore anyone who doesn't agree what an amazing partner and father this man is.
Continues to make excuses.
It's not poor him.
It's your poor child you need to worry about.

Well the OP specifically said she wasn't going to leave him. Some people have bad tempers, other people are lucky enough to have a lot of patience. I have a hideous temper and spent my whole pregnancy worrying how I would manage when I became a parent. It's a struggle most days to be honest because being patient and calm is not natural to me. The OP came here asking how she can help her husband.

My mother is one of those insanely patient people but my father is not. He often loses his temper when driving, watching football etc. and would often shout but at no point have I ever thought of him as a terrible father. I just acknowledged growing up that he wasn't very patient and my mother was. I think it's a bit of a leap to say the OP's husband is an awful person... But that's just my view.

@Wolfiefan I chose to ignore people who assume the worst and condemn him because he is struggling.
I would have thought that women would be understanding. Not all depression effects people the same. Not everyone copes right away. Some people struggle. That doesn't make them bad people.
My child is in no danger. My dad was very impatient with me as a child but he broke his back to provide for his family because he loved us.

@Unihorn again, thank you. My Mam is the same, insanely patient. My dad worked himself to a frazzle to provide for us, but he wasn't soft and fluffy. He snapped at times. Was still an excellent father.
I know how much my DH loves and cares about us. Obviously the ladies on here don't because they don't know him.
I'm so surprised by a lot of the responses on here tbh. I thought this community would be understanding and helpful, not cut throat.

We understand only to well. Unfortunately it might take a few years for you to understand.

My DS is 6 months. He is aware now. He would be scared now. 6 months is much more capable than you think.

I'll be kind. So he's broken and it's impacting him. That's fine, I can empathise with that. I swear at the baby at times when it gets too much (a muttered "FFS baby, go to sleep") When baby doesn't nap it drives me crazy and inside I can feel absolutely furious. But only inside. The baby never sees it, ever. I know it's irrational, I push it aside. I have to. He's a baby, it's my job to protect.

Babies are hard work. Parenting is exhausting. It can take you to your lowest places. But he has to find a way to deal with this or his son will be scared of him. You have to tell him that. If he's such a fantastic dad he will hate this idea and he will change. He's lucky, he has you. All he needs to do is monitor his anger levels and when it gets too much leave the room, take 10 slow deep breathes and come back. Also question WHY he gets so angry, what is it triggering for him?

If he works at this and works hard, he's a good guy. If he doesn't .. well then I have less sympathy

I know you don't want to hear this, op, but posters on here are not telling you what you want to hear, not because they are unsupportive, but because they genuinely fear for your baby.

Swearing in front of a baby who can't understand the words - meh. Shouting, loosing control and becoming angry - this is damaging for a tiny child. The fact that he doesn't mean to cause the baby distress is not the point. The effect will be the same.

Putting my two penneth in here.

OP, I don't think you should leave him. Your relationship sounds like mine and DHs, just reversed. I really REALLY struggled with my DD, to the point where if he was working I'd be ringing him, my DPs, anyone to come and help because the crying was just tearing me apart, I felt angry that I couldn't help this beautiful thing that needed help, I was so tired I didn't know what I could to help her and all that made me feel so fucking guilty about anything and everything I felt like the worlds worst parent. Especially when she had been screaming/crying all day, DH would walk in and she would, almost instantly, soothe. I'm sure if you ask him now he'd say there were times where he was frustrated and needed a break and only I could help DD. It works both ways.

I suggest you have a serious talk with him about going to the GP as PND in males is surprisingly common. You could go together. Tell him it's ok to go for a walk on his own to clear his head, you could even try to organise a date night for you both? It doesn't have to be expensive, a walk in a local park including a picnic tea while a babysitter looks after DS. You'll be surprised how much this quality time just the two of you helps, it certainly shocked me.

I wish you the best of luck in everything and I hope this situation sorts itself soon!

OP I think your OP was a bit worrying but from your other posts I think people are assuming it's worse than it is. I think I have been your DH in this situation - not "losing it" but in the early days really scared that I was going to feel like a zombie forever, frustrated at the sheer illogicality of it all (not sleeping when tired etc) so would get quite upset esp when in pain, and I swear offhand quite a bit just when talking or in the car when I'm peed off.
My DH has the patience of a saint whereas I'm generally used to just sort of yelling or griping about stuff even if it's as a joke about sometime minor. DH has really asked me to stop the swearing which I have managed to do but honestly being reminded about it every time just pushed my buttons and made me feel defensive so we'd end up in an argument even though he was right.

Getting in a strop 4 times in the first 6 months doesn't seem too bad to me. If he's doing it aggressively then of course that's a different thing but if it's letting off steam I don't think it's a bad omen. It does however need to stop as PPs have said but perhaps arguing about it when he's angry isn't the way to go.

Do you believe he actually realises his behaviour is a bad thing or does he insinuate that you're exaggerating?

Thank you to all who have given advice and been supportive. It's nice to see people who can look at my post objectively.
I know he hates himself for getting frustrated. When he snaps he gets so wound up because he's snapped if that makes sense. I've been trying to persuade him to take a few days off to spend time with us in our 'every day' setting. Come swimming and to the P&T groups so he can get some perspective.
I will speak to him tomorrow about going to see the GP and how important it is for us as a family, for our son and for his own mental health.

For what it is worth, my Dad has a very quick and firey temper, especially at the end of a hard day. He shouts and he swears. But after the first burst of frustration he pulls it right in and apologises for shouting (as he knows I hate it!). He is a wonderful loving dad, who has never shown physical aggression to me or anyone else, and I have never felt anything less than completely safe with him.

Sounds like your DH is having trouble. Maybe keep it in mind in case his anger ever appears to get worse - it could be a red flag - but he seems to be open to learning how to deal with it, so i think you are getting a bit of a hard time.

Whilst I don't agree with waiting it out, maybe he will find the next stage of DS's life easier, once he can communicate and interact a little more. Maybe it is the baby stage that he finds so tricky.

Your son calms down when you take him because you're calm, or you're the most calm adult who behaves consistently - when he's sore (teething) or wet or dirty or pissed off because he's 6 m old, or happy and laughing and all adorable, the mummy creature always acts the same.
As for PND? Yep, been there, and yep it can make you irrationally angry, but he has to seek help. I honestly think that's a ultimatum you have to give him. I got it, because dh was so worried - I hated it at the time but looking back, I'm so glad he did. 12 years on we're still going strong.
It's not right for dh to be so angry, and you know that or you wouldn't have posted. I hope you can see this msg as advice from someone who's been there and not at attack on you or dh

@vikingprincess81 & @Capattack thank you both. Great advice. I want him to get help and I think (hope) that last night was enough of a push.

You can't make someone else get help. And I do condemn anyone whose behaviour impacts on their family in this way. You are seeking to justify his behaviour. He makes excuses. Nothing will change.

He's not a great dad. He's a shit dad. Unless he sorts himself out fast your little baby will be scared of him and will grow up learning to inhibit his natural childlike behaviour so his dad won't lose his temper. Sounds like he's already picking up on his dads tantrum which is why he can't settle him.

Maybe you'll come to your senses, hopefully before any permanent damage is done. I wouldn't relax around some great big bully who was storming around shouting obscenities because he couldn't control his temper either.

He is frustrated because he cant control the baby. Get him to anger management classes. Its not something that will just fix itself when your child reaches X age.

Keeping everything crossed for you op that he'll seek the help he so desperately needs. But if he doesn't, and again, not an attack, what then? How do you go forward? It sounds like he's not recovered from his previous incident which he was struggling with, and now new baby and all that comes with it is making it worse perhaps? If he won't look after his MH can he be the daddy you need for your son? Sometimes being a parent means doing things you don't want to, I'm not an advocate of doing stuff because of your children, but I am an advocate for being the best person you can be for your children if that makes sense?

What kind of family does he come from? Its like something in the crying is triggering him. He needs help . Babies are highly sensitive to whats around them. Thats how security is inbuilt from an aearly age

Sounds like he has not learnt to deal with his frustrations - and I don't mean that in a critical way. It's just not something he was shown how to do as a child I'm guessing. If he has not learnt so far this will not magically start happening. Ask your doctors surgery for the details of the Nhs healthy minds service in your area - it's usually self referral - they can often do cognitive behavioral therapy which helps people to retrain the way they deal with their anxieties and frustrations.

I'm going to be blunt - I just left someone like this, he'd get horrendously angry at the kids, I gave the ultimatum of anger management or we leave, 6 months on, he didn't so we left

If hes willinging to do it then great! Fantastic! If not then get your child out of there now before they get to three and are terrified of daddy when he's angry