DH swearing around baby

[tonightonight]

Okay, so firstly, I'm not going to leave him, that isn't the answer to this problem so please don't suggest that.
My DH is a fantastic dad. Honestly if there was one person destined to be a family man it was him. He is so supportive, kind, caring and more than I ever dreamed of.
But we have a problem. He swears all the time when he is frustrated. And it's not just 'fuck' under his breath. He full on shouts and storms around.
When our son is being difficult he gets so frustrated and shouts fuck this and fuck that. He won't fucking do this or there's nothing fucking wrong with him etc.
I've asked him to stop because a) I get very protective when he does this b) I hate the idea of anyone swearing at/around my baby and c) it's a bad habit to get into as the baby is only going to get bigger and more aware.
He says it's not a problem because he obviously won't do it when the baby can understand what he's saying but I really need him to stop. We've spoken about it and he promised he would and he did for a while, but it creeps back in and I'm fed up.
If I've had a long, difficult day of dealing with DS I feel like I don't get to 'share the load' when he gets in because I know he'll just get frustrated. DS rarely cries though, when he does it's loud and can sometimes only be soothed by going out in the pram or in the car. But as he's 6 months I need him to start being able to sooth himself a bit more. When DH is dealing with him when he's upset after I've been told to sit down and rest, I end up having to take over anyways and DH sulks that DS calms down around me.
Does that make any sense? Probably not, I'm a bit frazzled after another fight about it.

My dh is exactly the same op and has been since my now 18 year old was a baby. The swearing is a symptom of frustration that he can't deal with the situation. My dh has never had any patience with crying (unless he could see an actual cause to deal with such as a skinned knee) or when the DC argue with each other etc.

On the other hand if one of them asks how a power drill works he would get it, with some wood to practice on, set it up, show them and let them try it with no problem at all no matter how many "why" questions got asked or how late it was.

We dealt with it by me doing 95 % of the childcare stuff when they were small but he took over all the housework etc.

Now my DC are late teens but he still does nearly all the housework

@AnyFucker I am protecting my baby.
Trust me. I'd die for him before I'd let anything happen to him.
My DH is struggling with something, depression is the best thing I can describe it as. Would you tell a mother struggling with PND that she is a bad mother and should leave? Or encourage her to find support and help?
As soon as I can sense tension I'm there to help/take over. It's very hard for me. I want my baby to only know love, which he does 99% of the time. I just need help with dealing with my partner, helping him through this. We fight about it because he gets super defensive and feels guilty when it has happened.

@Angelicinnocent it sounds like you understand. He's not violent/a threat/dangerous/abusive... he's just struggling. He's unbelievably perfect most of the time, but as a result he bubbles over at times and I want/need to help him but also keep my sanity

I think the anger is the main issue here but your DH is mistaken if he thinks that your baby doesn't understand. When children learn language understanding comes quite a long time before the ability to speak. That's why mothers are encouraged to speak and read to very young babies. I absolutely know that my DC could understand some of what I was saying at 6 months.

You're in denial, OP. You said your h doesn't think his behaviour is a problem, and he's reacted by banning you both from swearing, which is completely pointless and a red herring.

The comment you made OP which concerned me was that your plan is, essentially, to wait until your child is traumatised enough to pull away from him if he shouts and stomps - so you're planning to wait until he's damaged by this childish behaviour before you do something. Think how you'd feel if he snapped one day - and I mean properly snapped, lost it - and hit or slapped your child?

For your DEAR HUSBAND'S sake, not just for your child's, he needs to go and get help with this, he really does. Setting aside the huge red flags indicating the likelihood of the chance that at some point his rage and inability to cope (with the obvious consequences), he can't be enjoying these parts of his time with them.

So you either a. get him to deal with it or b. you do just about all of that childcare and he doesn't. B. seems like a cop out because clearly the problem really just actually needs dealing with - his problem.

I do hope you can sort it out. I honestly feel as does everyone else that you just cannot let it go and need to work something out. And to talk to him not when he's having one of his strops, but at another time and maybe relay how serious everyone on here finds it if you think it will help.

I do understand op but one thing I do agree with is that baby will pick up on the negativity. Have a talk to DH see if you can make him understand that it's not so much the swearing as the mood causing the outburst that is the problem.

If you are in a small flat, there is no space to escape the frustration. Maybe if he realises that he can go for a 10 minute walk around the block and calm down it will be easier.

Obviously, that puts more of the caring on you but if he is as lovely as you think, he won't mind cooking or whatever to make up for it.

Instead of trying to excuse dh's behaviour can you both find some ways to tackle it? If you honestly think it has arisen only in the last few weeks or is some sort of male pnd then it needs to be addressed.

Anger management is a good suggestion- ask gp,

If you think he has no confidence in his parenting, ask your health visitor about parenting classes? He does need to be able to parent (calmly)without you hovering ready to take over.

If you think he's suffering with stress or depression then he could look into relaxation techniques or take up a sport/running to de-stress.

I just don't think that hoping this problem will go away on it's own is the way forward. Of course he has to be on board with this rather than claiming you're being "daft".

Swearing is totally irrelevant when the baby is 6 months (and there's an argument to say it is irrelevant whenever, words are just words etc).

Shouting and anger directed towards a baby is a real issue. The baby will be scared.

I HATE shouting and anger, I'm hypersensitive to it. My other half often raises his voice or expostulates loudly when he's frustrated, and thinks I'm bonkers to be so bothered by it and inhibiting his natural expression of his feelings. I think he's half right, and so am I It's a pretty constant bone of contention...

But he doesn't ever, shout at our baby (and she's a pain at the moment, proper case of the four month fussies). In fact, if he hears me getting frustrated with her (which I sometimes do at the end of a long day of moaning and constant diversion), he comes and takes her off me, because he knows it's not good for her or for me. Shouting at a baby is just horrible.

I read in one of my baby books that something like 75% of parents surveyed admit to having smacked their baby before they're one year old. I was HORRIFIED by that statistic. I think with that in mind, you should nip this in the bud straight away, as if he can't control his anger manifesting in this way, there's no way you can be sure where he will draw the line as your boy becomes bigger and still more challenging.

You should have a serious chat with him about your concerns re his mental health and how he's adapting to your new life with the baby - suggest he approach his GP, or if he shies away at that as men are wont to do, maybe suggest you both enrol on a parenting course? It's a huge change, and hard to do in a small flat (as we are learning!!) as you can never really 'get away'. But the first thing you need from him is agreement that growing up with anger and shouting is not an acceptable environment for your little boy. Only if he can be made to see it is a problem can you work together to solve it.

In the meantime, every time he raises the volume around your baby, remove the baby. Get as far away from him as you can in your small flat as you can and shut the door. He needs to learn that if he wants to parent his son, he has to be able to control himself. It will add to your workload and it isn't fair; but it has to be done. Good luck!

My DH was exactly the same when DD1 was born. He worked away a lot in the first few months (I think to avoid being at home) so it was even more frustrating for me when he couldn't handle the baby crying for 5- 10 mins when I was in shower on the odd occasion he was around.

I put it down to anxiety and I was right.

I put up with it and took on the load for 8 months then a month before I went back to work I put my foot down and said it needed to stop and he needed to grow up and deal with his issues. I was very clear about what needed to change, how and when (i.e. immediately), the effect it was having on me and the inequality of his childish behaviour that he needed to take responsibility for. I said it as kindly as possible.

Literally, from that day on things changed. We started to share the childcare 50/50 when my mat leave ended and he grew more relaxed and confident as he spent more time with DD1. He said he found it very hard (my response was, yes me too - WTF?!)

He was a terrible father then and he was not a supportive partner. He knows that. Since that conversation he has been the most fantastic dad and partner I could ever wish for. He is patient, caring, attentive and playful and takes on his 50% of family duties with joy. DD1 and DD2 adore every inch of him and DC3 is on the way.

It was down to anxiety and I truly believe that the way I dealt with it was the only way to solve the problem for us. However he is a very kind, hard working and fun person (why I wanted a family with him in first place) and if your DH does not have these basic qualities to start with, you may be up against it.

If you have to walk on eggshells in your own home then there is a bigger issue here.

Stop making excuses. I've suffered really badly with anxiety and depression. I have actively sought treatment. I didn't stamp round the house and swear at my young child. Depression doesn't make you do that either.

So he's a brilliant dad but only when the baby behaves himself. Red flag op. Sorry

What happens when the baby grows into a toddler who has a tantrum because he opened the yoghurt wrong or an older child who answers back. How will he cope with that. If a tiny baby is making him shout and swear it will only get worse.

If he's struggling then he needs to get help, the fact he hasn't sought it suggests it's not that important to him and he doesn't see what's wrong with his behaviour.

Where do you get your support from OP? Who is helping you with the load when you are caring for your son because your husband can't control his temper? How long do you think this is sustainable for? You must be physically and mentally exhausted.

I can only imagine that you must be on tenterhooks with this kind of behaviour.

Wonderful fathers do not act like this. That's all there is to say.

No, it takes or took a lot for him to lose his shit. This is why I'm concerned.
I've suffered with PND so I can very easily see the comparison between his behaviour and mine then. How can you be sympathetic for one but not the other?

You can't help him through it if he doesn't want to be helped through it, OP. You can't do this for him.

I have an awful temper myself. Always have. It's better now I'm an adult - I have learnt ways to manage it, I don't lash out. But I have a toddler and sometimes toddlers can push you to the absolute bloody limit. So I understand what it's like to feel furious and to feel so so frustrated you want to scream and shout and rave. But I also understand that it is my job, as a parent, to not lose it at my child, to do all I can to manage my own behaviour, and to model decent emotional regulation. So I do not yell and swear at my child. I do whatever it takes to keep my own immature emotional responses in check. I find ways to calm myself down, like deep breaths or like stepping out of the room for a few minutes. I read parenting books to find constructive ways to deal with frustrating situations. I am far from perfect but I work really bloody hard at it, because my child deserves that.

Your DH isn't even trying. Maybe he doesn't care, maybe he does and he's secretly too ashamed to face it, maybe he's depressed. But the fundamental problem here is that he isn't trying to fix this, and he is telling you it doesn't even need fixing.

If I were you I'd lay it all out for him, some time when your baby is asleep or otherwise not around. I would spell out EXACTLY how frightening and upsetting it is for a baby/child to have adult anger directed at them. I would point out that your DS isn't going to get any less frustrating when he hits the toddler years, and that this kind of a reaction from his dad could have life-long consequences for him. (At the very least - he's learning how to deal with anger by seeing how adults do it. Do you want him to be like that with his own child, one day?) I would say that if he's struggling, if he's depressed, then I will do all I can to help him through it, but he has to want to get through it, starting with a GP appointment tomorrow. And I would ask him to lay out for me exactly what he is going to do to make sure this stops, now, and does not happen again.

@53rdWay thank you.
He has told me once, ages ago, when he was a bit squiffy (he was really struggling and I arranged for his friend who also has a young baby to come round, I left them to it but received a 3am phone call from DH) and he told me that he was really struggling and he knew it, but he couldn't see how to fix it.
I've addressed this a couple of times and he shrugs it off and says he knows he's struggling but he's working on it.
He refuses to seek help for anything because he's stupidly bought into this stupid macho idea that he should be the rock and provider. But I can see it.
I have spoke to him since posting this and he's told me that he is still working on it, and that he will try harder, he knows he can't lose his temper like that.
He's promised me that he will work harder and be more open with me. He knows he can't act like this in a few months when DS is more aware of what's going on and I think he is realising how susceptible babies are to moods. He was furious with himself for how he acted tonight and he said it all hits home when I take over and get baby to calm down.

It's good that he acknowledges it's a problem. I think the best thing he could do for himself/DS/you at this point is realise that to fix it, he might need to try something he hasn't tried already, whether that's the GP or counselling or parenting classes or even just really opening up to a friend for starters. Very common (especially for men) to do this "I can sort it myself, I don't need anyone's help!" act, but he's a parent now - he can't let his pride get in the way of finding a solution.

We've got a few friends with young babies too, older and younger. I always try and encourage him to go out with/speak to these lads and realise that we're not alone. It's always hard. He is very proud, so am I tbf

How exactly is he "working on it"?
Mindfulness?
Counselling?
Finding better means of release like exercise?
Anger management?
No. He's being a complete bastard and expecting you to be fobbed off by rubbish excuses for his shitty behaviour.
He doesn't have PND. He hasn't given birth and depression doesn't make you act like an abusive arse to those you are supposed to hold dearest.

Are you breastfeeding, OP? I know one of the reasons my partner gets stressed when minding baby is because he doesnt feel like he has all the tools in the bag to work with, as it were - if she's crying and crying and nothing he's doing is working, he convinces himself it's because she wants feeding, such obvs he can't do, so feels helpless and (IMO) panics a bit. And to be fair breastfeeding does create a bond between mother and baby which means sometimes whether they're hungry or not, they want you and only you and will not stop crying until you come. Not to gender stereotype but a lot of men feel the compulsion to fix things quite strongly. When youve got a crying baby that either can't have what it wants or does not really know what it wants, it can sometimes just be a waiting game - maybe he feels powerless?