DH swearing around baby

[tonightonight]

Okay, so firstly, I'm not going to leave him, that isn't the answer to this problem so please don't suggest that.
My DH is a fantastic dad. Honestly if there was one person destined to be a family man it was him. He is so supportive, kind, caring and more than I ever dreamed of.
But we have a problem. He swears all the time when he is frustrated. And it's not just 'fuck' under his breath. He full on shouts and storms around.
When our son is being difficult he gets so frustrated and shouts fuck this and fuck that. He won't fucking do this or there's nothing fucking wrong with him etc.
I've asked him to stop because a) I get very protective when he does this b) I hate the idea of anyone swearing at/around my baby and c) it's a bad habit to get into as the baby is only going to get bigger and more aware.
He says it's not a problem because he obviously won't do it when the baby can understand what he's saying but I really need him to stop. We've spoken about it and he promised he would and he did for a while, but it creeps back in and I'm fed up.
If I've had a long, difficult day of dealing with DS I feel like I don't get to 'share the load' when he gets in because I know he'll just get frustrated. DS rarely cries though, when he does it's loud and can sometimes only be soothed by going out in the pram or in the car. But as he's 6 months I need him to start being able to sooth himself a bit more. When DH is dealing with him when he's upset after I've been told to sit down and rest, I end up having to take over anyways and DH sulks that DS calms down around me.
Does that make any sense? Probably not, I'm a bit frazzled after another fight about it.

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Being a family man is not just doing the fun stuff - the tickling,laughing, silliness games etc.It's being there for your child and your partner when things aren't a Pampers advert.

That means keeping calm so your child and partner are supported and feel SAFE.

OP - I left my husband for this exact same reason.It never gets better.If that rage is there now, it still will be at 1, 2,3 4 5 years old etc. The baby 'not understanding' is just an attempt to buy time.RUN. This man is not destined to me a father, just as my husband wasn't.

[thereallochnessmonster]

What a knob. You saying shit when you spill your tea is NOTHING like him ranting and raving. He's trying to deflect blame on to you by making you 'give up' swearing too.

Out of interest, how many times has he lost his temper at the baby/since the baby was born??

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Ok so many typos but you can translate...

[Redsrule]

My late DH never swore etc with the DC, he was a great Dad, even if he had been out all night on call. Your DH sounds like an ass. No excuse.

[iMatter]

Sorry OP - this would really be a massive issue for me.

Your child will soon learn that he makes daddy angry and that anger scares him.

He might retreat into himself or follow his dad's example.

Either way you'll have one messed up child.

Your husband needs to grow up and address his anger issues.

[TooGood2BeFalse]

thereallochnessmonster exactly. I could lose my temper (as in FFS under my breath,then leave room for 5 mins to calm down) and then be told I have a terrible temper when the day before I am picking up yet more broken glass from his strop.Clearly not the same thing

[iMatter]

And getting angry and aggressive in front of your baby because your baby is crying is not being a good dad.

[ElspethFlashman]

So basically he's attempting to convince you that you saying shit when you spill your tea is exactly the same thing

You're right, he is childish.

[TakemedowntoPotatoCity]

Do YOU feel safe when he does that, OP?

[AnyFucker]

That description of him sounds very far from a fantastic father and born family man

You are deluding yourself at the expense of your dc

[Hassled]

He really isn't a fantastic dad. He just isn't. Fantastic dads don't behave like this.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I agree, the worst problem is dh raging when he's stressed/frustrated. The swearing is a by product of that.

Would he consider going on an anger management course? He would learn techniques to control his temper. Babies do pick up on a parent's mood.

Everyone gets stressed and tired with a baby, it's just finding ways to deal with it. A calm parent will calm baby.

Poor you, having to pacify a baby and your dh... will either of them take a dummy?

[Unihorn]

I think I've done similar in exasperation after trying to get my overtired 7mo to sleep for 3 or 4 hours, or if she's super restless and can't seem to make up her mind so just keeps screaming. I've been known to say 'for fucks sake there's nothing wrong with you/just go the fuck to sleep' probably louder than intended, but it's certainly not often and I don't think it's in a ragey type way. And my husband quite loudly shouts 'ow you little fucker' if she pulls his chest hair or nipple. How often do these outbursts happen? And is it like an uncontrollable rage or just a sudden outburst caused by tiredness/stress?

I'm not trying to excuse it but I'm not sure your husband is as abusive as people seem to be suggesting. I'm not really sure what you can do about it however, as I'm quite an impatient person and I struggle with my temper at times. I've never thought of it as being dangerous or harmful though. Some people just have the patience of a saint and I am certainly not one of them.

[NerrSnerr]

Swearing in front of a 6 month old I don't think is a problem. Shouting and getting angry at the baby just being a baby is a huge problem. My husband got his bits painfully trodden on by the 2 year old today. He didn't shout or get angry because she didn't mean it and is only 2. A fantastic dad does not say 'He won't fucking do this or there's nothing fucking wrong with him etc.' about a 6 month old.

[MerryMarigold]

I think you have to change tack with dh. It's not about swearing but about communicating anger to his child. He needs ways out when he is starting to get like this eg. Call you to deal with baby, leave baby in cot to cry and leave room. Anything other than shouting/ swearing. Incidentally, duress anything else trigger this in him eg. Someone cutting him up on road, or has he ever shouted and sworn at you. If he has, then sadly he will probably drop it to your kids. Xx

[Froggybedlegs]

Erm I hate to break it to you but although six month old babies can be hard work, there are many many interesting, tiring and frustrating phases to come. He cannot control himself around a young baby, what's he going to do when ds grows up a bit, starts legging it down the road, answering back, ignoring him, lashing out etc..... At best he'll still be stomping around swearing and unable to cope and ds will be scared of him, at worst his anger will escalate as he becomes less and less able to cope.

So I echo pp question.... What exactly is it that you think makes him the perfect dad?

[tonightonight]

@Unihorn that's exactly it. Thank you for understanding!
Yes I feel 100% safe around my partner. This has all come about since we had the baby. I genuinely believe he has/is struggling with PND of sorts. He has changed since we had the baby and I know he struggles and generally isn't as happy as he was.

[Six6]

"He thinks it's daft and has now banned all swear words in the house."

Until when - the next time he's "pushed over the edge?"

[tonightonight]

I'd say this has happened about 4 times in 6 months. He's never lost his temper before the baby or with me. Actually I lie, he has lost his temper once around me when he went through a huge thing in his life (I won't go into detail but it was a very awful thing to happen) and he broke down of sorts. He wasn't and hasn't ever been aggressive. He will swear and lose his temper but he has never been a threat to the baby. He will put the baby down and walk out the room when he gets like this, but as we live in a small flat, we can't be very far away from anyone even if we try.

We both swear in our every day lives, often in casual conversation we'll say fucking hell or oh for fuck sake, but he has no filter. He's sworn a few times around my family who hate swearing and only realised he swore when we leave and I tell him or elbow him as it happens.

[53rdWay]

It's not the swearing so much, really, is it? It's the shouting and stomping and anger. He could replace the actual words with "flip" and "sugar" but it wouldn't be much better.

[mimiholls]

He sounds horrible and agree with pp the swearing is not the issue

[Wolfiefan]

He has a stinking temper? Your poor child growing up with that kind of atmosphere. All the things you list are part of being a parent. That doesn't entitle him to lose his shit and storm about when he's finding it a bit hard.

[kaytee87]

God op I'm sorry but he sounds like an awful father and not someone I'd be comfortable having around a child.
Ask him to see his gp about anger management.

[AnyFucker]

Imagine being the size of a 6 month old baby

Imagine the limited understanding of a 6 month old baby

You can rationalise his behaviour. Your baby cannot. You are not protecting you child if you minimise the aggression of your partner

All your baby sees and hears is aggression. Minimise that to justify staying in a relationship if you wish.