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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sleep training & DH's excuses

138 replies

happilyLostCareer · 23/06/2017 09:40

Ds is nearly 8 months. He is a monumentally terrible sleeper who has slept more than about 45 minutes at a time perhaps 10 or 15 times in his whole life.Yes that is correct, I have not slept for more than about 30 minutes at a time in nearly 8 months.

Because DH works and I don't (no point two adults being wrecked) I have slept in DS' room and done every night waking since he was born. DH gets a full night's sleep in our bedroom.

If I ask DH to take DS for a few hours in the evening, if DH is not too busy with work, DH will have all the lights on, computer screens, iPad, skype calls with colleagues, etc and DS will get very little sleep and will just be crying with hunger and tiredness until I wake up and take him back. DS will then take 3+ hours to settle (falling asleep on the boob, waking a few minutes later, for hours).

So we had planned to try DH sleeping next to DS at night for 4 hour stretches, bringing DS to me for feeds. Except every time we have nearly started DH has an excuse as to why it can't work this week. DH will then claim not to understand why consistency is needed and say he thought we had agreed it was only ever going to be for a couple of nights, or for a couple of hours, or whatever. We will then agree another 5-night window for sleep training and he pulls the same fucking stunt again. I am on my knees with exhaustion. DH is a bit busy with work so can't be expected to commit time and then stick to it.

Then there are all the admiring comments about other mothers who hold down jobs too. Both from DH and his workaholic parents.

AIBU to want to bury DH under the patio? Closely followed by his parents?

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 23/06/2017 09:45

You poor thing, sleep deprivation is utter hell. I had a bad sleeper myself and sleep training saved us. You need to sit down with your DH and tell him you need to sort the sleep out for your sanity. Can you put your DS in his own room and try a bit of controlled crying? You both need to be on the same page and consistent though. Worked for us in 3 nights.

MrsLlaneous · 23/06/2017 09:45

What a piece of work ! If it's so easy to be a working mum why is his work getting in the way of sleep training? I've got a shovel if you need it?
Move back into the main bedroom tonight, tell him either you work together and each get some sleep or neither of you sleep. Honestly I'm furious on your behalf!

Bumblebee35 · 23/06/2017 09:47

Not at all!! I have an almost 9 month old and its only been the past couple of months that I've got back into my bed after sleeping next door with the baby! I think maybe your husband needs to either have a week off work or a long weekend to help establish a better sleeping arrangement. This is beginning to affect you and your husbands relationship and if it's important enough, he should help.

Creatureofthenight · 23/06/2017 09:49

So I presume your DH works during the day? Then most evenings? So does bugger all parenting, during the week at least.
Can he not at least do nights on Friday/Saturdays so you get some rest?

pipsqueak25 · 23/06/2017 09:50

Angry for you, ds has 2 parents but dh uses work as an excuse ? am i missing something but how do other working parents manage ?

caffeinestream · 23/06/2017 09:52

Why can't he do the night wakings when he doesn't have work the next day?

ScarletSienna · 23/06/2017 09:54

He sounds unreasonable but also don't put too much hope into sleep training.

Our DS was the same. At 2 he still wakes once or twice but it took until about 18 to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Up to a year was the hardest. What worked for us was me having a few hours of sleep in the evenings which you're trying-keep pushing for that. Also we co-slept and without that I think I'd have been on my knees.

Funnyface1 · 23/06/2017 09:54

He needs to help you. My baby is nearly 10 months and she sleeps well but I am still wrecked. I can't imagine coping on the little rest you're getting.

I can only assume he just doesn't get it. I would insist he do some serious night shifts very soon, so that he can see exactly how hard it is. Then hopefully going forward he will want to help you more, because he'll truly understand.

welshweasel · 23/06/2017 09:57

Your DH is a tool. Although why you've let him get away with being one for 8 whole months is beyond me. We shared night wakings from day one, irrespective of who was working or not. I can assure you that going to work tires is a damn sight easier than looking after a grizzly baby tired. And yes, I have an important responsible job where I could kill people blah blah....

Personally I'd be looking to night wean asap and go and stay elsewhere for a few days.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 23/06/2017 09:58

Yanbu, your dh is being really selfish and uncaring. Spell it out to him, don't give him options.

Original poster
happilyLostCareer · 23/06/2017 10:04

Dh is an academic so always has work the next day. What really makes me start picking up the patio flagstones is he has also held onto all his hobbies. So Saturdays we all have to get up for sodding Parkrun. Sundays are DH's catch up on sleep day after getting too little sleep because of work, all week. So he has a lie-in and then spends the rest of the day working before going out to a hobby in the evening.

He really just doesn't get it, and noone other than me seems interested in helping him have any clue.

OP posts:
ScarletSienna · 23/06/2017 10:07

You could cope with the sleep being a challenge if he wasn't being a dick.

Some babies don't sleep well but they're babies and you can't reason with them.

Some men are selfish and don't seem to be able to see other people's needs are important.

He is definitely the problem!

Intransige · 23/06/2017 10:07

That sounds horrific, OP, I'm in absolute admiration that you can type a coherent sentence let alone look after a tiny person single-handedly!

Apologies if you've tried this already (I have a bad sleeper myself, I know everyone wants to tell you the perfect fix and there just isn't one) but have you taken your DS to the GP for a paed referral? What you're describing sounds far beyond bad sleep to me, for example like he's not latching on well enough to get full or he's in pain somehow?

And your DH is being a twat. In your position I would be very clearly saying "here are the bottles, here is the baby, I'm going to a hotel for the weekend". You CANNOT continue to do it all yourself.

As an aside, I went back to work when DD1 was 5.5 months and bf at night until she was 10.5 months (several times a night, rubbish sleeper but nowhere near what you're dealing with). In a full time, stressful job. He's talking bollocks about needing his precious 8 hours a night sleep unless he does something like drive trucks for a living.

Chloe84 · 23/06/2017 10:08

Ugh, what a selfish fucker. Can you actually get rid of him?

Creatureofthenight · 23/06/2017 10:13

So his life continues as it was pre-baby whilst you get months of sleep deprivation. What a selfish git.

silkpyjamasallday · 23/06/2017 10:16

@Creatureofthenight has summed it up perfectly. Your DH needs a serious wake up call. Maybe give him one every 45 minutes during the night before he gets his lie in. What a selfish prick.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 23/06/2017 10:19

So where's your lie in? Sorry op but your dh is a twat. His life hasn't changed at all.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2017 10:20

Sundays are DH's catch up on sleep day - and when is yours?

TieGrr · 23/06/2017 10:23

Sundays are DH's catch up on sleep day

Shock

I'll help you with the patio stones.

SolomanDaisy · 23/06/2017 10:25

Well the summer holidays are coming up, so even if he has a lot of research and consultancy on his schedule will be much more flexible. The perfect time for him to commit to this for a longer period of time. If he doesn't have funded research or consultancy commitments then he needs to give up on writing for the summer and take some time off to help you.

I have a baby the same age and over the past few weeks we've had some success with a very gentle version of PUPD. It's taken a while and it's not a miracle but it's definitely better. You've probably tried it, but if not it's worth a go.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 23/06/2017 10:28

Does he do anything with the baby?

As he seems to acting like it's your baby as he doesn't appear to be contributing to its upbringing at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/06/2017 10:29

This has to change. Otherwise you may as well divorce him and be recognised as the single parent that you may as well be now.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/06/2017 10:30

Unacceptable. He needs a massive wake up call. Personally I'd wake him.up every time the baby wakes and get him to do a nappy change or something so he knows how it feels. YOU need the Sunday lie in. And parkrun has to go for now as again YOU need the lie in. Show him this thread. It can't continue, otherwise he will take you for granted all the way up to the point you cant take any more and file for divorce. He should be ashamed of himself for being so selfish

Areyoufree · 23/06/2017 10:31

Sundays are DH's catch up on sleep day Shock

Sunshinegirl82 · 23/06/2017 11:00

My DS is nearly 1 and ebf. He has always woken frequently but not as often as your Ds. I have always done all night wakings as Ds won't settle unless he's fed. My DH works full time but takes DS every morning from when he wakes (usually 5.30) until he leaves for work at 7. He also takes him for both weekend mornings so I can have a longer lie in and catch up.

Your DH is either completely clueless and has absolutely no idea what you are going through or he is a selfish arse. Based on the fact threat your DH is a seemingly intelligent adult I'm tempted to think it's the latter.

In all honesty I would be so resentful of him in your position that I would struggle to get past it.

Did DH have a nanny as a child be any chance?

I think you have to lay it on the line and tell him to step up big time and quickly otherwise your marriage will be very seriously damaged.

In the short term can you get a night nanny in to help you with the sleep training? Won't solve the DH problem I appreciate but will hopefully get you some sleep. Once you're not horrendously sleep deprived you might be in a better position to deal with it all.

Good luck OP.