sleep training & DH's excuses

[happilyLostCareer]

Ds is nearly 8 months. He is a monumentally terrible sleeper who has slept more than about 45 minutes at a time perhaps 10 or 15 times in his whole life.Yes that is correct, I have not slept for more than about 30 minutes at a time in nearly 8 months.

Because DH works and I don't (no point two adults being wrecked) I have slept in DS' room and done every night waking since he was born. DH gets a full night's sleep in our bedroom.

If I ask DH to take DS for a few hours in the evening, if DH is not too busy with work, DH will have all the lights on, computer screens, iPad, skype calls with colleagues, etc and DS will get very little sleep and will just be crying with hunger and tiredness until I wake up and take him back. DS will then take 3+ hours to settle (falling asleep on the boob, waking a few minutes later, for hours).

So we had planned to try DH sleeping next to DS at night for 4 hour stretches, bringing DS to me for feeds. Except every time we have nearly started DH has an excuse as to why it can't work this week. DH will then claim not to understand why consistency is needed and say he thought we had agreed it was only ever going to be for a couple of nights, or for a couple of hours, or whatever. We will then agree another 5-night window for sleep training and he pulls the same fucking stunt again. I am on my knees with exhaustion. DH is a bit busy with work so can't be expected to commit time and then stick to it.

Then there are all the admiring comments about other mothers who hold down jobs too. Both from DH and his workaholic parents.

AIBU to want to bury DH under the patio? Closely followed by his parents?

@writerwannabe83, was there a lot of crying? What was the type of sleep training you did to break the feed to sleep association? Having the same issue but complicated by reflux and CMPI.

Grayfig the Dr Jay Gordon technique works on breaking the feed to sleep association - I also had a baby with reflux and cmpa and unfortunately due to all the comfort sucking they do develop dreadful feed to sleep associations

Make sure the reflux is medically well controlled before you embark on sleep training - you can't sleep train a baby who is still in pain, it's unlikely to work

grayfig - I will PM you

Is there any room left in the hole under the patio OP?

Sundays are DH's catch up on sleep day after getting too little sleep because of work, all week
I would be filing for divorce! I am blesssd with a good sleeper. Only one get up at about half four and then I co-sleep with her till six. This is the only time she is on the breast so it I do love it (wouldn't mind giving it up though and getting a full night sleep) so DH can't really help. He does wake up with us at six though.
You need to sort this out or you will end up resenting DH. I've had two meltdowns over sleep (being jealous of DH) and like I said she's a pretty good sleeper.

Haven't had much chance to discuss things. DS has a cold. Last night's bedtime was 7 am. Yes. am. He did sleep for 50 minutes straight before getting up for the day though!

You REALLY need to get your DS assessed by a paediatrician for allergies and silent reflux or something else - his sleep is not normal. My DD used to be awake all night sometimes because her silent reflux was so much worse at night (it usually is). She needed 20mg omeprazole to achieve symptom control.

Some babies are crap sleepers but waking every 45 minutes and literally being awake all night is not normal. And I say that as someone who used to work on HVing.

OP I'd agree with a pp that it would make sense to speak to your hv/GP and rule out any underlying issues. I have a crap sleeper but (in my experience) your average crap sleeper wakes every 90 mins-2 hours with the sleep cycles. Staying up all night does seem pretty extreme. Something like silent reflux could be at play so worth ruling out. I hope you're ok today, you must be exhausted.

Pretty knackered. Going to the GP later to ask about silent reflux. He has had CMPA (from early on, type IV reaction, cleared up now and feeding dairy as recommended by paed allergist) which could manifest as eosinophilic oesophagitis I guess... though that would put him in the roughly 0.002% of babies who have challenge-confirmed CMPA who also have oesophagitis... likelihood of him just being a thrashy sleeper with really poor sleep habits is much higher!

Entirely possible that he's just a really, really rubbish sleeper but no point killing yourself trying sleep training etc. if nothing is going to work due to something else going on. Particularly if you're spending money to bring in night nannies etc. Your Ds does sound like he's on the extreme end of the crappy sleeper spectrum. Good luck at the GP today.

As an aside, is there anyone who could have your Ds in the day so you can rest for a few hours? I can't sleep in the day but if Ds has a bad night it helps just to be able to have a couple of hours off and gave a bath or read in peace for a bit. If not is a childminder or nursery an option? Just for a couple of mornings a week or something? As things stand you must just be beyond exhausted so make sure you look after yourself.

I disagree sunshine, a proper sleep consultant and/or maternity nurse can make significant improvements to even the crappiest sleeper

I'm not saying they can't just that a sleep consultant won't cure silent reflux (or similar) so worth ruling those things out before embarking on sleep training.

ds1 was a crap sleeper until 10mos when I stopped bf. He was the size of a fecking house with all the milk he was getting, all night long, because it was the only way to get him to shut up.

With all three kids, dh has been the one that fetches the squawker, passes them to me to feed, and then deals with any changing and settling. No one gets an unbroken night's sleep until the baby does. (Oh ds slept through within three days of me stopping bf - he realised pretty quickly that if breast wasn't on offer at all, there was no point in shouting for it). He wouldn't take a bottle/ cup/ spoon due to associative stuff from a period at 3 mos when he had to be nebuliser five times a day - after that he couldn't deal with any sort of plastic near his face.
But bf aside (because that is what fixed the problem for us) your dh needs to step up. Academia does not exempt one from parenting, and I know a zillion parents who recognize that their academic careers make it easier (whilst also noting the many pitfalls associated with mothering in academia - Andrea O'Reilly has a great study). Normally it's me with the academia issues, but we did have one year when dc3 was small that dh plunged back in - he also tried some of the stunts that your dh is pulling. While there are times that work absolutely has to be done and burning the midnight oil is necessary, it is not 24/7/365. Dh needs some help with his work life balance, whatever his parents think.
I am happy to confirm that despite ds1's inability to sleep for longer than an hour for the first ten months of his life, at 15 I can't drag him out of bed before noon. 😬
Barring Angelman's, this too shall pass.