sleep training & DH's excuses

[happilyLostCareer]

Ds is nearly 8 months. He is a monumentally terrible sleeper who has slept more than about 45 minutes at a time perhaps 10 or 15 times in his whole life.Yes that is correct, I have not slept for more than about 30 minutes at a time in nearly 8 months.

Because DH works and I don't (no point two adults being wrecked) I have slept in DS' room and done every night waking since he was born. DH gets a full night's sleep in our bedroom.

If I ask DH to take DS for a few hours in the evening, if DH is not too busy with work, DH will have all the lights on, computer screens, iPad, skype calls with colleagues, etc and DS will get very little sleep and will just be crying with hunger and tiredness until I wake up and take him back. DS will then take 3+ hours to settle (falling asleep on the boob, waking a few minutes later, for hours).

So we had planned to try DH sleeping next to DS at night for 4 hour stretches, bringing DS to me for feeds. Except every time we have nearly started DH has an excuse as to why it can't work this week. DH will then claim not to understand why consistency is needed and say he thought we had agreed it was only ever going to be for a couple of nights, or for a couple of hours, or whatever. We will then agree another 5-night window for sleep training and he pulls the same fucking stunt again. I am on my knees with exhaustion. DH is a bit busy with work so can't be expected to commit time and then stick to it.

Then there are all the admiring comments about other mothers who hold down jobs too. Both from DH and his workaholic parents.

AIBU to want to bury DH under the patio? Closely followed by his parents?

There is absolutely no reason why he requires full nights sleep every night while you are incredibly sleep deprived and the only reason that this is happening is because you are far too patient with him. I think I would have killed DH (also an academic) if he had been as unhelpful as yours.

Why haven't you done it already??

Your husband needs to realise that life changes when you have a baby as it sounds like he has just carried on like normal while you get tortured with sleep deprivation! He sounds very selfish. Why do you just go along with it? Seriously, take the baby to him on a Sunday morning, tell him you haven't slept all week and it's now his turn. That is the bare minimum he can do!

While in the depth of sleep deprivation with our youngest, my DH would take her from 8pm-1am(ish) so I could sleep then I would take over so he could get a 5/6 hour stretch uninterrupted before work.

Our DD is a little older now and while not the best sleeper, is much improved. The only day neither of us work is a Sat so once a fortnight we each get a lie in.

Your DH is totally shirking his responsibilities and it's not fair!

I just noticed the post where you say he has a "catch up" of sleep one day a week and also spends lots of time on his hobbies. I'm sorry to say that you are very much being taken advantage of OP.

You have my full sympathies - I have a bad sleeper (I won't depress you with an age ) and dp appears to have just checked out when it comes to sleeping and maintaining the household. Can't say it hasn't led to massive resentment from me. Thing is I've given him earfuls MN would be proud of but none have gone in in any meaningful way....

the truth is I'm stuck with it, if I had the financial means or somewhere to go I reckon I would have been off months ago. Not happily and with the intention of fully meaning it as more than an empty threat but I reckon that would have given him an actual concept of how angry I was/am and the reality of what him not stepping up actually means.

Any chance you can take a break from him? I don't think I could leave dd with him tbh, but I wouldn't be selling it as a holiday either.

But then it feels like a deal breaker to me (no matter how long it takes to carry out). How someone can watch someone they supposedly love on their knees asking for help and withhold it is completely beyond me.

OP I really feel for you

I had similar problems with my DD, didn't get more than 30 mins at a time until she was about the same age as your son. I also had issues with my own DH not pulling his weight re: sleep issues and he is also an academic - the problem with the job, I found, is it never really stops. There is flexibility but also no real 'clocking off' time so his mind is often at work when he's physically at home.

I did have to really lose it with him to shock him into action. I was on my knees and the resentment was really damaging our marriage. We did a few things:

1. One day a week was my lie in day. One day isn't enough but it was a start and it made him realise that getting up with DD and doing her breakfast and walking the dog (yep! I was also going that every morning!) Is a lot. Be prepared not to sleep at first - I used to lie there listening to her whinging cause it wasn't me. Some days he woke me up and said he couldn't settle her and we had to have an argument about that too.

1. DD went into her own room so we had our own space back. He could then see exactly how much I was doing in the night wrt feeds as he also woke up when the monitor went and I went into her. DD slept for longer stretches immediately after going into her own space. We did have problems with settling her and leaving the room, but i followed some great advice from a user called FateDestiny over on the sleep boards about the 'gradual retreat' method.

1. I stopped breastfeeding because this was also around the time I went back to work and couldn't express enough for her days at nursery. If bfing is working well for you I don't want to tell you stopping will 'fix' anything, but I actually found that not being solely responsible for her feeding made me feel much better and less resentful and it meant that DH could do the last feed at night and I could go to bed early.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you. I look back on that time as one of the hardest of my life... And I'm due number 2 in November!

Btw my DD is now 22 months and has slept reliably through the night since she was 13 months. She was a shocking sleeper in her first year... Don't lose hope!

Well there's one thing for a start, if he gets a sleep catch up day, you do too.

Parkrun can literally fuck the fuck off, you don't get terrible sleep like that and then do parkrun at the expense of your sleep time, then have him sleep in the next day! I'm actually cross on your behalf.

There is only so far you can go with this sort of thing, he might be an academic but he can do ONE night in a week and an equal lie in at least. Don't ask him, tell him how it has to be.

You are married to a selfish twat.

Do you want to stay married to someone who refuses to consider anyone's needs but his own?

If not then you need to put an ultimatum on the table and tell him to step up - across the board, not just with sleep.

If he refuses then give him the boot.

Upthewolves I may have to take on your advice to op too. Sounds good the one morning a week lie in.

Lie in on a Saturday and he can take DS to park run.

I would be handing him the baby and going out, sod his bloody park run. Where is your time off? Where is your lie in? Where is your time for hobbies?

Express, get him to do the weekend night feeds.

you sound at the end of your tether. (dd was like this at first and i was wrecked 8 weeks in, nevermind 8 months.) get him to agree to have ds one evening for a couple of hours, them walk out and book into a hotel. (leave some formula for dc) you need to sleep. he needs to feel what no sleep is like.

and yes he is a selfish self absorbed workaholic twunt.

My husband works 6 days a week and has always helped me with nights.

Your DH is a wanker.. tell him to ship up or ship out

I am absolutely shocked that your husband has a fucking catch up on sleep day, when you have not slept for more than 30 minutes at a time for months. I mean that is appalling.
Is he generally inconsiderate and selfish?

Get tough on your DH, things need to change now!

What are finances like OP? Could you afford a night nanny or sleep training service? I would spell it out to him, if he doesn't help you you're going to use savings/max out your credit card or whatever and hire in some help. I would also wonder about daytime sitters too so you can get some rest.

Op he sounds awful. Really awful. Selfish towards you and your child (that bit about all lights on etc, so not actually doing any parenting then? Just siting next to an upset baby?!)

I 3rd the academic opinion, I used to do it -it's pretty flexible.

Oh god, I just really really dislike your (D!)H. I hope he has some other redeeming quality?

He'd be fucking deader than a dead thing. And is probably get off on that ground of diminished responsibility.
I agree with Groupie123. (Except after I'd weaned I'd fuck off to a 5 star hotel with spa for a long weekend and not take my phone and not tell him where I was and then see if he fucking appreciated me when I got back. )
Is he a bit oblivious? Lots of male academics I know show definite signs of being on the spectrum and really don't notice the social clues the rest of us do. If so I'd be tempted to tell him in words of no more than one syllable what is going to happen withh regard to sleep training. When and what his expected role is. Then list the expectec outcomes.
If he tries to give excuses to him they aren't within the parameters of the exercise and he will not be putting the expected outcomes at risk by deviating from the given terms. Meet any objections with a stern and immovable expression.

And if the above don't work I've got s friend with a void under her back steps and a cement mixer to help hide the body.

I'd just wake him literally every single time you wake for baby. Every time.

Then you won't have to kill him, he will probably die of sleep exhaustion (you are amazing by the way xxx god I would come help you if I've could! Someone has to help you get a little more sleep)

Your dh is an arse, op! He should be helping out in so many ways.
My oh is not perfect but he always helped out at night while working full time. He often gets breakfast for the dc and looks after them when I work on a Saturday. Today he's gone to visit his sick father in hospital and even told me to ring if I needed help with the dc. That is what a decent man and a good father does! Your h is neither it seems! Lay it on the line to him and don't let him wiggle out of anything anymore. I take my hat off to you! You're amazing, now let him know all that you do for your lo. Also, I have a patio if you need it!

I really don't understand men who consider parenting as optional.

My ex was exactly the same.. refused to help with sleep training or evening feeds..

DS is now 23 month, I've LTB and sleep trained DS.

You need to have a serious talk.. and FWIW you do have a job - looking after your baby!

My story is similar to yours, except the ex-husband would take baby out on a trip at the weekend, and do alternate nights when we were on holiday. I eventually worked out it would be easier alone. It was. My ex-husband is a good Dad and sees son every weekend. More than he ever did when we were married.

What a fucking bastard. Hell let the mums on mumsnet do him and shove him somewhere. What an unsupportive pig!

He needs to adjust his hobbies and parent HIS child! Your dc has more than one parent!

I'll dig the hole for you and push my Dh in with yours.

Although I do get evening help (he does bath and bed for the eldest and helps with middley). Dd1 was the same - woke every 45mibutes until age 18 months, when it went to 2 hourly until age 3, by which time dd2 turned up - who "only" woke every 2 hours. I tried night weaning dd1 but it didn't work, neither did a week of controlled crying and I'm trying that again.
DS also wakes every 45 min or every hour and he's 10 months old. I also never get a lie in and DH still does his exercise class and weekend hobby. He sleeps in the spare room.

Last night I told him no exercise class or hobby until I get one hour a week to myself.

Your DH needs to realise that he is a parent now, hobbies and Sunday lie ins are a luxury. If he's really not getting the message then I'd go to stay with family for a weekend or maybe a nice hotel and leave him to it. Perhaps a walk in your shoes for a few days might change his mind about the need to share the load and get on board with being a parent.