sleep training & DH's excuses

[happilyLostCareer]

Ds is nearly 8 months. He is a monumentally terrible sleeper who has slept more than about 45 minutes at a time perhaps 10 or 15 times in his whole life.Yes that is correct, I have not slept for more than about 30 minutes at a time in nearly 8 months.

Because DH works and I don't (no point two adults being wrecked) I have slept in DS' room and done every night waking since he was born. DH gets a full night's sleep in our bedroom.

If I ask DH to take DS for a few hours in the evening, if DH is not too busy with work, DH will have all the lights on, computer screens, iPad, skype calls with colleagues, etc and DS will get very little sleep and will just be crying with hunger and tiredness until I wake up and take him back. DS will then take 3+ hours to settle (falling asleep on the boob, waking a few minutes later, for hours).

So we had planned to try DH sleeping next to DS at night for 4 hour stretches, bringing DS to me for feeds. Except every time we have nearly started DH has an excuse as to why it can't work this week. DH will then claim not to understand why consistency is needed and say he thought we had agreed it was only ever going to be for a couple of nights, or for a couple of hours, or whatever. We will then agree another 5-night window for sleep training and he pulls the same fucking stunt again. I am on my knees with exhaustion. DH is a bit busy with work so can't be expected to commit time and then stick to it.

Then there are all the admiring comments about other mothers who hold down jobs too. Both from DH and his workaholic parents.

AIBU to want to bury DH under the patio? Closely followed by his parents?

You'd get more sleep if you left him as he would have to have him.

You do not have a baby problem. It is normal for babies to wake a lot.

You also do not have a breastfeeding problem. I really dislike those suggestions which say your solution is "stop bf" (it's the best parenting tool you will ever have), or "express and give a bottle" (why should OP make even more work for herself by pumping? Bf is far easier) or "give formula" (OP is bf for 8 months, why introduce formula when she is perfectly ok with bf).

Also, sleep training is not the answer. Leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep is pretty grim. They are a baby. They'll sleep when they are developmentally ready. Some sleep sooner than others.

Your problem is your selfish dick of a husband. I can't believe he thinks he deserves a fucking lie in? Where is your lie in? Where is your normal sleep? Until you start getting decent sleep, he never gets a lie in. And he starts getting up at night. He's not driving trucks for a living or operating heavy machinery. He gets up at night - he can bring ds to you, you bf him and then husband can put ds back in cot. He can kiss goodbye to his park run too. He starts pulling his weight or else he knows where the door is. Parenting is not an optional thing.

What cocnutpie said, with bells on.

Having had a non sleeper, I totally empathise. My DP let me have a lie in every Sat and Sun. I needed it, I was murderous otherwise.

In fact, DS might settle for him after you have breastfed. Genius.

Hi OP. The bight your husband was murdered it was so lovely to spend the entire weekend with you talking about how much you love him. Don't worry about returning the spade, throw it in the local canal xx

This needs to stop now for your sake. On the main issue of sleep training your DH either agrees a week in the up-coming summer holidays when he will take time off and do all of the night waking (your LO won't smell milk on him so won't root) and at least half of the controlled crying in the evening, OR he somehow finds the money for a night nanny for a week to do that for you. In the meantime one night and morning at the weekend are his to sleep and one are yours.

There is no reason on this earth why you BOTH have to get up on a Saturday morning because HE wants to do Parkrun. I am a parkrun fan and every single week around the country there are Mums getting a lie in because their DP's put the child in a buggy and push it round the course. If he is one of these idiots who failed to read that parkrun is a run not a race and is always chasing PBs then he needs to stop going to park run until his child is old enough to challenge him on time....

Express milk or use formula so DH can feed the baby. Book yourself into a hotel on a Saturday leave him to it,

If you are not working it's prob fair you do most of the work in the week. He's a dad now so lie ins are luxury he can't afford and parenting should 50:50 at weekends.

One sleeps in baby room Friday night but gets lie in whilst other parent looks after the baby in the morning the sat night it switches round. You need to get to baby used to both of you feeding

What coconutpie said. It's your selfish husband, not the feeding!

Sympathy my DS is/was an awful sleeper, but he often slept with DH in a different room at about your DS' age and was brought to me for milk as he went slightly longer when my milky self wasn't near him. When I think of the money we spent on stuff to try make him sleep better...swing seats, a sodding dream sheep, all sorts. I remember sobbing on several occasions as it felt like my brain was on fire, like your DS he would wake up very frequently. For naps he had to be in motion after a lengthy breastfeed. At almost 3 he sleeps fairly well at night but takes ages (an hour at least) to wind down and close his eyes. I can hear him now wittering away to DH and it's after half 8. And he'll likely be up at 5am.

I now have an 8 week old DD and she's a brilliant sleeper. They're all so different.

Yes, yes, yes to you deserving lie-ins.

Even though DH works five days a week he still lets me have lie-ins on Saturday and Sunday because he knows how draining it can be doing nighttime wakings and then looking after DS all day. He even brings me a cup of tea and breakfast in bed.

That's how a good dad and a good husband should behave.

Thanks everyone — good to know IAnotBU. I am an ex academic so I know that academia is all-consuming and that it really does take first priority a lot of the time, but I also know that many of the best academics I have known have also been good parents rather than selfish arses. DH has yet to make that mental leap.

It is difficult to help him make it as his parents value work above all else and heap praise on him for frankly unhealthy work habits that exclude all possibility of normal life. His parents are highly successful but frankly a few biscuits short of a tin when it comes to only valuing high achievement. My family doesn't help matters by being a bit too much the other way, all interesting books and hobbies and spectacularly unsuccessful careers in academia that would get them sacked these days. I gave academia away when I realised I just didn't have the drive to do all the competitive greasy-pole-climbing, and that staying while maintaining a life was no longer an option nowadays.

The plan has (for some time) been to have DH doing pick up/ put down settling, 8-12 and 12.30-5, bring DS to me for feeds at 12 & 5.

DH needs to agree to that AND DO IT; and needs to do it in DS' bedroom with the lights off.

I can't express enough to make expressing a bottle a viable option. Not interested in using formula. But as pp have said shouldn't need to as bf works fine and DS really doesn't need to feed every 30 mins overnight.

I also agree with coconutpie

My DD is 2 years 8 months and still BF - don't give it up if you don't want to, it's such a lifesaver when they're ill etc.

My DD didn't sleep through until 15 months when I night weaned her. Have a read of the Dr Jay Gordon technique - it's much gentler than controlled crying or gradual retreat.

Have you had your baby checked for reflux/silent reflux, cows milk or soy allergy or tongue tie?? My DD had all 3 (!) and her sleep was utterly APPALLING until I got her silent reflux under control by giving her 20mg omeprazole a day and being on a strict exclusion diet for us both.

I'm the same in that I've done all the night wake ups but I coslept for my sanity and DH has to do ALOT of driving during the week and simply wouldn't be safe on broken sleep and I'm a sahm. BUT whenever he's home he bloody well pulls his weight and gives me a lie in if I need one!! Your DH is being a selfish arse.

If he works all day and sleeps all night and spends his spare time on his hobbies, then how exactly is his life influenced in any way by being a parent???!! It's not basically. He's not being a father. It's not an optional extra!!

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

It does involve crying - I'm not going to lie - but you never leave their side and you can get on and do it tomorrow night without waiting around for your DH to get his he's out of his arse and do some bloody parenting

His head that should say

Also, sorry if I missed this - but have you tried cosleeping in the same bed at your baby (I know you said you're in the same room). But then when he wakes for a feed you can latch him on and go back to sleep - that's what I did with DD before I night weaned her and it usually meant I got a reasonable nights sleep that way because I barely woke up each time. If you follow the guidelines it's as safe as cot sleeping

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals-2.pdf

Dr Mc Kenna is one of the worlds leading scientific researchers into infant sleep and has over 20 years of research on this issue:

neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/

Also:
www.llli.org/sweetsleepbook/thesafesleepseven

I don't know if that is helpful OP - but I found cosleeping a lifesaver with a demanding BFing non sleeper! And I found DD slept better once she knew I wasn't going anywhere - she needed the constant reassurance of my presence (and still does, some DC are just born that way)

(Ps, im not in the uk, hence the time difference - I'm not awake in the middle of the night! She sleeps now thank god!!!!!!)

Only help i can be is to suggest that you purchase a running buggy on his credit card and he can do parkrun with the baby, and yes a proper running buggy will go across fields easily and not bump baby around and then you can catch up on a little sleep.

My advice is book a cheap hotel if you can afford it and just walk out while dh is there. Let him pick up the fall out like you have for your child's entire life and just get some fucking sleep. You need it. Yanbu

Sorry, discard my advice as your child is bf

Thought experiment.

Replace sleep with food.

Your DH would rather that you starve than share his food with you. He is capable of sitting down to eat dessert, knowing that you have not yet had a full meal.

My heart goes out to you and I would be asking this man to leave. I could not live with someone who knowingly and willingly harms me for his own convenience.

What's your plan B if he doesn't do the sleep training? Because it doesn't seem like he's committed to it, so it may never happen?

How you're coping, well I don't know!

But, this is more than him not helping with the nights.

He's not one bit engaged with family life, it's his life and everyone fit around it.

Sunday is his catch up on sleep day, just how can he do that when you've not slept one night in eight months.

You're a single parent with a lodger adding to your work load.

He also sounds as spoilt as hell, an unattractive trait.