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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say something to my friend about her appearance

112 replies

Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 09:12

Probably going to get blasted but I want to stress this is in no way a criticism. My friend has had a tough time with men recently and she's been rejected a lot. She's bright, funny and is gorgeous but hasn't met anyone right.

Recently, she's had a bit of a meltdown and has told me whilst drunk she thinks all she has going for her is her body. Consequently, she's been wearing less and less - which usually I wouldn't bat an eyelid, far be it from me to judge a woman for showing skin.

However we are part of a large group of friends who often nip down to our (casual) pub for quizzes, socials etc. Recently, she's been showing up in literally arse bearing shorts, with her whole boobs on show- last week she came in wearing a material crop top which was completely see through. This would be fine for clubbing or whatever, but it was a chilled weekday drink.

As I said, I don't mean to sound like a judgemental cow, but I think I would want someone to have a quiet word if I was making a bit of a fool of myself. I have heard people discussing her and I can see people cringe when she walks in basically naked.

AIBU to bring it up? It's not really my business but I'm so worried about her. I think that it's what friends do but another mutual friend said to leave her to it.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 25/06/2017 18:39

As others have said. The problem isn't so much what she's wearing but why she's started wearing it. If it was just her natural style and personality then fine but it sounds like she's wearing these clothes for the wrong reasons.

Could you have a conversationa about how you've noticed her style has changed and if there's a reason for that.
Keep on telling her other 'friends' to watch what they say.

biscuitmillionaire · 25/06/2017 18:46

I think if you try to talk to her she will inevitably be hurt and offended. What about giving her a self-help book about finding a relationship (not the Rules!) - which will presumably give better advice than 'dress like a hooker'. One that talks about learning to like yourself first etc.

TheFatOfTheLand · 25/06/2017 18:51

I love Snog, Marry, Avoid.

SingingOutOfTune · 25/06/2017 19:14

There are ways you can show lots of skin and still look lovely. Hot pants if you have good legs but no high heels and understated top, light make up etc...give her some tips. She can show her body off without looking vulgar. Talk to her without lecturing. Maybe start by giving her a complement on what a great shape she is in...
I wish I could still wear hot pants Grin

Fabulousdahlink · 25/06/2017 19:36

If she was my friend...I'd emgineer a conversation in the wek before like
" what you wearing to the pub? I cant decide between jeans and my blue top or the yellow one?"
"What you wearing? You looked lovely the other week when you wore ( something less revealing)..I saw lots of eyes on you when you wore that....

Or engineer to go pick her up early and have a glass of wine together whilst she's changing...when you arrive in your outfit she may moderate her own.
She is acting out because she's sad and unhappy. A few well placed compliments " You have such pretty eyes..that top really makes your eyes sparkle"..or" you are so lucky..brains and a body to die for... The right man will love you for both" etc etc..

If you show her, her strengths and some love, she will feel less vulnerable.

Dont judge her..show her the way forward. Ultimately she's an adult and she'll wear what she likes. Is she confident and comfortable with the attn that dressing this creates? But if it isnt attracting the sort of person she likes it will ultimately make things worse for her self esteem ( ie ffs I had my tits and foof out in the pub and still couldnt pull...I must be a real minger)
I hopw you can help her through it. If people are being critical she WILL know and that will further damage her self esteem. Its a spiral of sabotage😟

EastMidsMumOf1 · 25/06/2017 19:43

Id say something to her, friends look out for eachother and if your that close then I think she would see you mean it with good intentions. Just make sure you word it nicely!

Missolford33 · 25/06/2017 20:11

Iv had the same friends for years if one of us started dressing like that we'd all have something to say about it, probably like what the f**k are you wearing! Haha. She should be able to dress like this at her age tho seriously I thought she was going to be like mutton dressed as lamb but she's not even 30! I had the boobs out big time when I was younger. Wouldn't now as I'm happily partnered and hate anyone looking at else staring at them.
Ask her if she's ok because you've noticed some changes in her.

eulmh · 25/06/2017 20:40

It really depends on her state of mind. Is she really down after this break up? I know when I had pnd it made me do things I cringe at now .... not in the same genre but depression can affect your understanding of reality. If she's just hot and knows it and is enjoying herself then that's her choice. I agree with the comment make her see she's worth more than just her body. Or even go shopping one day and pick out something a bit less revealing but still sexy and try and sway her that way x

clarabellb · 25/06/2017 20:47

ask if she's ok because you've noticed some changes in her

^ this...with bells on

shinysinkredemption · 25/06/2017 20:49

I was going to suggest doing outdoorsy stuff together, ilovemybabygirls beat me to it. I definitely wouldn't criticise or even mention it. Next time she's hit on for the wrong reasons and bemoans it, say well you can't blame xx for thinking you are gorgeous! But if you want to meet someone who is after more than that, you need to give them a chance to see how witty/clever/kind you are, maybe a bar isn't the right place? How about joining a sports group (running or boot camp)? Could you and mates throw some open (ish) invite house parties to give her a chance to meet new but likeminded (hopefully) people? Im of a generation where everyone met at work or through friends. Lucky me!!

Purplealienpuke · 25/06/2017 22:04

If it was just a case of being on the pull, out for a shag then dressing provocatively would be understandable.
Going to a quiz night mid week in your local maybe not.
Coupled with the fact she's told you all she thinks she has going for her is her body sounds like she's maybe not in a good place.
Be the best friend you can. If you think your friendship will withstand a frank conversation about how she feels then then go for it. I'm pleased you're already putting the haters straight.
Nobody should have to feel this shit about themselves tbh.
I hope your friend learns to love herself 💐

Imamouseduh · 25/06/2017 22:07

I don't mean to sound like a judgemental cow

And yet, here we are.

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