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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to my friend about her appearance

112 replies

Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 09:12

Probably going to get blasted but I want to stress this is in no way a criticism. My friend has had a tough time with men recently and she's been rejected a lot. She's bright, funny and is gorgeous but hasn't met anyone right.

Recently, she's had a bit of a meltdown and has told me whilst drunk she thinks all she has going for her is her body. Consequently, she's been wearing less and less - which usually I wouldn't bat an eyelid, far be it from me to judge a woman for showing skin.

However we are part of a large group of friends who often nip down to our (casual) pub for quizzes, socials etc. Recently, she's been showing up in literally arse bearing shorts, with her whole boobs on show- last week she came in wearing a material crop top which was completely see through. This would be fine for clubbing or whatever, but it was a chilled weekday drink.

As I said, I don't mean to sound like a judgemental cow, but I think I would want someone to have a quiet word if I was making a bit of a fool of myself. I have heard people discussing her and I can see people cringe when she walks in basically naked.

AIBU to bring it up? It's not really my business but I'm so worried about her. I think that it's what friends do but another mutual friend said to leave her to it.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/06/2017 11:24

So what would you say to her, OP?

Original poster
Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 11:26

@thestoic I think I'm going to do 2 things

  1. make sure (as I already do) that she is happy and try and build her confidence

  2. compliment her when she has a few more clothes on.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/06/2017 11:30

That's probably a good plan. Complimenting her genuinely can only be good for her self-esteem.

pottered · 23/06/2017 11:33

yeah I would do the latter - when you see her in something not arse-bearing, compliment her. I agree though - fuck the people making comments, I'm nearly 40 and when I see young people dressed 'inappropriately' I mostly just think good on them, I wish I could fit my ginormous behind into a pair of hotpants :)

As for attracting the wrong sort - the wrong sort is the type of bloke that would think a woman could be judged on what she wears so perhaps it's as good a filter technique as any.

DontChewMonkey · 23/06/2017 11:33

It's difficult isn't it?

I see it that you have three options.

Say nothing- As you say, you're not trying to be judgemental. She's an adult and can wear what she likes

Mention something- If she's being laughed at it can be hard for you knowing that and wanting to spare her that

Say something when she brings it up- Waiting until she's talking about how hard she's finding dating etc, may make it easier on both of you. It gives you an opening and it'll be more likely she'll take it as advice rather than being criticised.

Actually I've just thought of a fourth option- If other people are talking and laughing around you, you could remind them politely that it's not their place to judge and she can wear what she likes. Though that may cause more issues than it solves

angstybaby · 23/06/2017 11:34

do you think that how she's dressing is stopping her from meeting someone nice? as my mother would say, is she sending the wrong message?

V tricky. i'd say nothing about the clothes but try to improve her confidence. poor lass is having a hard time.

VestalVirgin · 23/06/2017 11:51

Recently, she's had a bit of a meltdown and has told me whilst drunk she thinks all she has going for her is her body.

That's the real problem here, isn't it?

Have you asked her what she hopes to attract with her body? Men who'll have sex with her, then leave? Because that's really the only thing where this is going to work. Men who are just after her body aren't going to be the love of her life, or even just reliable long-term boyfriends.

As for attracting the wrong sort - the wrong sort is the type of bloke that would think a woman could be judged on what she wears so perhaps it's as good a filter technique as any.

No, it's not.
Because the blokes who judge her on what she wears will be exactly the ones who will want to fuck her.
Perhaps there'll be one or two genuinely nice men in the mix who just don't care what she's wearing, but chances are they'll not even get to talk to her because she's surrounded by superficial jerks.

In short, that approach would work if she was looking for a female or gay best friend who doesn't judge her for how she dresses, but it won't work for heterosexual men. They might judge her and hate her, but they'll still want to fuck her.

speedywell · 23/06/2017 11:52

I would, very kindly, say something to her. She's clearly hurting and feeling low and how she is behaving is a reaction so I think, ok it is a choice she is making, but perhaps she isn't thinking as clearly as she normally does.

She is far more than her body and clothes :( she just needs to believe that.

Perhaps there are new activities or hobbies that you might be able to do together just to try something new and different. Even a one off if you can't commit regular time to something. She might find a new interest that gives her passion for something and then she'll have an inner glow which is attractive, and also perhaps meet someone she has someting in common with.

Bodies change so you can't rely on that as a lasting connection.

Toadinthehole · 23/06/2017 11:53

As for attracting the wrong sort - the wrong sort is the type of bloke that would think a woman could be judged on what she wears so perhaps it's as good a filter technique as any.

Women dressed like that scared me off. I always assumed they wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in a bloke like me. And I probably count as a "nice guy".

We all judge on appearance.

Morphene · 23/06/2017 12:23

This is a definite case of treat the issue, not the symptom.

Not least because going after the symptom (dressing in see through clothing) is highly HIGHLY likely to lower her confidence in herself yet further.

So build her confidence!

manicinsomniac · 23/06/2017 12:31

I would struggled to say anything because I'd be paranoid about being insensitive, upsetting her or making the situation worse. But that' doesn't necessarily mean I think it's wrong to say something. Hard to say without knowing your or her, tbh.

When I was in my early 20s I used to go out with a group fairly often, two of whom were always 'on the pull' as they put it. One night one of them came into the bar in a bum displaying skirt and one of those droopy front vest tops that sort of cover the boobs but show the whole chest/stomach from the middle. The other one got up and steered her out, saying something like, 'Nooooo, boobs or bum, never both. Too try hard.' And they went home to get changed.

Now I could neither have said that nor taken it being said to me. But they were best friends and knew each other inside out. So I think it can work.

StatelessPrincess · 23/06/2017 12:48

I would say something to her, she's obviously unhappy and insecure, the clothes aren't even really the issue, it's her reasons for wearing them that are the problem. If she's desperate and lacking confidence that will easily come across to the sort of men who will take advantage of it, the more than happens the worse she feel.

Nettletheelf · 23/06/2017 13:01

I'd raise it with her too. Poor girl.

The thing is, everybody judges on appearance, as Toad notes upthread. It shouldn't happen, but it does.

Nice men will be put off by the way she dresses because we form judgements about how people will be based on how he look and how they are dressed. Why else would businesses have dress codes?

It's not the showing off her body thing that's a problem. You can do that without wearing very sexually suggestive clothes. So she could wear her short shorts but with a more modest top and still look foxy, for example. It's having it all out on display that causes people to form negative judgements about her.

Would it be appropriate for her to sit in the pub wearing a string bikini, for example? Of course not. How about topless? It's easy to say 'she can wear what she likes' but it doesn't really work. Some forms of dress upset or embarrass both the wearer and the people around him or her.

Shame on the people laughing or making unpleasant comments. That shouldn't be the biggest worry though: it's that the nice men who might have been interested in her will think that she's not their type, or not girlfriend material, and that will be reinforced by seeing other people making disrespectful comments about her.

I'd bite the bullet, OP. That's what friends are for. Suggest going round to hers to get ready before you go out and make some constructive suggestions then. It's a version of manic's mate's strategy: "either bums or boobs, not both, trying too hard!". Keep telling her that she's gorgeous.

Nettletheelf · 23/06/2017 13:04

Just realised my second paragraph sounds like I am describing myself as 'a nice man'. I'm a nice woman!

I also made my contributions to the world of short skirts and eye catching clubbing outfits, but only in their proper context! I can follow your friend's thought process, OP. Male attention can feel good but not if it's the wrong kind.

stopgap · 23/06/2017 13:12

I'm 40, and if the occasion called for it, I'd wear hot pants!

Nettletheelf · 23/06/2017 13:17

OP isn't trying to prevent her friend from wearing hot pants, though, is she? She says she likes showing off her own figure and is relaxed about her friend doing the same, but her friend has gone too far and has tipped over into wearing stuff that causes negative and/or unpleasant reactions in people. Irrespective of whose problem that is, the friend gets the rough end of it.

Plus, the friend has already confided in the OP that she thinks her appearance is her only plus point, so there's clearly a problem that goes far beyond the wearing of hot pants at any age.

waitforitfdear · 23/06/2017 13:41

If you can't dress how you like at any age, 20s or otherwise it's a piss poor world.

If other mates are bitching tell them to fuck off and be supportive to your friend. She's doesn't need to 'catch a nice man' to be happy. Let her experiment and let her be.

StarHeartDiamond · 23/06/2017 15:02

Wait - it doesn't sound like she's experimenting with fashion, it's deeper then that. She's wearing provocative clothing in non-provatibd situation she because she thinks her width is her body and that's it. A friend who knows her knows the difference between simply making unusual fashion choices and dressing to prop up a low self-esteem

StarHeartDiamond · 23/06/2017 15:03

*worth

ambereeree · 23/06/2017 15:21

I'm late 30s and yesterday I saw a couple of women younger than 30 wearing crop tops and barely there shorts as it has been very warm. Make the most of it...you or your friend won't have that good body forever. There is plenty of time to find a new man.
I bloody wish i could still wear micro shorts

toffeeboffin · 23/06/2017 15:24

Late 20's?

Fairynuff.

I don't see the problem tbh.

NoLoveofMine · 23/06/2017 15:45

I don't like the "make the most of it" line as it suggests young women should wear such clothing. Absolutely nothing wrong with doing so but many don't want to, myself included. Our worth isn't our bodies.

I think the issue with the OP's friend isn't the clothing itself but that it's since she had a meltdown and stated all she had going for was her body she started to wear such clothing, implying she didn't used to. It seems this change is linked to a drop in her self-esteem so it's more a sign that she's valuing herself less and seeing her value as being entirely her body rather than there being anything wrong with choosing to wear the clothes.

RubyFlint · 24/06/2017 17:34

I've RTFT and would agree with complimenting the good clothes and re-starting the convo about her body not being the only thing going for her.

damewithaname · 24/06/2017 17:44

Shame. Sad hey.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/06/2017 17:47

You might have better luck with a conversation about the future or your ideal life or celebrity lifestyles you could imagine liking.

In five years time if everything we do goes perfectly well, what's it going to be like?

If life you be anything you wanted, if you could be any way you wanted, what would that be?

Lots of fun down the pub with mates. Help her find her true inner self again and then maybe she will start making her public image be how she wants to be perceived or how she wants to see herself.

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