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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to my friend about her appearance

112 replies

Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 09:12

Probably going to get blasted but I want to stress this is in no way a criticism. My friend has had a tough time with men recently and she's been rejected a lot. She's bright, funny and is gorgeous but hasn't met anyone right.

Recently, she's had a bit of a meltdown and has told me whilst drunk she thinks all she has going for her is her body. Consequently, she's been wearing less and less - which usually I wouldn't bat an eyelid, far be it from me to judge a woman for showing skin.

However we are part of a large group of friends who often nip down to our (casual) pub for quizzes, socials etc. Recently, she's been showing up in literally arse bearing shorts, with her whole boobs on show- last week she came in wearing a material crop top which was completely see through. This would be fine for clubbing or whatever, but it was a chilled weekday drink.

As I said, I don't mean to sound like a judgemental cow, but I think I would want someone to have a quiet word if I was making a bit of a fool of myself. I have heard people discussing her and I can see people cringe when she walks in basically naked.

AIBU to bring it up? It's not really my business but I'm so worried about her. I think that it's what friends do but another mutual friend said to leave her to it.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 23/06/2017 09:57

Half of it is attitude - had a friend do this yonks ago, but it was her constant "come hither" poses and pouting that was gross (esp inappropriate where we were meeting, just odd). Sort of very sexually aggressive, and I didn't want to see it!

Bigger issue I suppose is her self confidence - maybe a few chats to see if she's doing ok?

specialsubject · 23/06/2017 10:01

Not a pretty sight whether she is 20 or 60 - arse out and visible boobs is for the beach, not the pub.

Inappropriate, which is anti social.

StarHeartDiamond · 23/06/2017 10:01

I think I'd say something. You can still show off your body without literally showing it off almost naked. Short-Shorts and crop tops are fine (if still a little underdressed for weekday drinks with mates but if it's sunny then anything goes) but it doesn't have to be thong shorts and see through tops. It will probably attract attention from the kind of men who reinforce to her the mistaken notion the only thing she's got going for her is her body. That's why I'd say something, because eventually it will erode her self confidence further.

I don't know what I'd say though! Maybe "you know you look gorgeous whatever, but i don't want you to believe your body is the only thing you've got going for you" (seeing as she's said that to you) "as that's not true but if you wear really revealing stuff it might attract the kind of idiot guy who can see no further than a woman's boobs or bum and I just don't want a friend as amazing as you to get tangled up with dross like that".

Which is true. I have pulled a friend away from some awful blokes when she was going through a hard time with guys and feeling rejected, as not only were they total idiots, rude and misogynistic, they were probably also dangerous.

GloriaGilbert · 23/06/2017 10:05

I'd say something. Likewise, I would hope that someone would say something to me.

I don't think it's going to be a fun conversation though.

twattymctwatterson · 23/06/2017 10:09

I think if you say something you run the risk of making her feel worse than she already does. Instead I would focus on helping her build up her sense of self worth. If you are really a friend you should be challenging people who are bitching about her. Are you?

mygorgeousmilo · 23/06/2017 10:09

I have a friend like this, and the shittier the man that she gets dumped by, the more outlandish the outfits get. She's very insecure, and doesn't seem to get any of those "he's just not that into you" type of signals. She will say things like ohhh that guy that I had sex with in a pub toilet after an hour of meeting him must really like me after all, because he called me at 2am pissed and wanting a shag, after not answering my texts and calls for a month. She's got a fantastic personality, Funny and clever, and has a beautiful and healthy figure, but quite simply on an emotional level - equates sex and lust with love and mutual attraction. We've met up on hot afternoons for lunch/drinks before when I've got my husband and kids with me, and everything is hanging out. Think handkerchief for a top and teeny tiny shorts with bum cheeks hanging out with 6 inch heels and mahogany fake tan. Honestly if someone doesn't think that's a bit of a crazy way to dress, what's the point in telling them?! I've tried to gently suggest even a new approach to dating, or to describe the subtle differences between the behaviour of men that are only after sex, and Ones that may be after a relationship, but it all falls on deaf ears. Just leave her be, she probably thinks you're a frump, again my friend has tried to gently suggest to me that I am. Also falls on deaf ears Grin

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/06/2017 10:10

I wouldn't say anything just yet, she'll realise herself, soon enough.
She sounds unhappy. Could you perhaps, join something together, just the two of you, where you might meet new people, a shared interest maybe ?

Original poster
Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 10:22

Thanks all. I have addressed the comments being made by others. They weren't all necessarily being horrible but I asked them to mind their own business anyway.

OP posts:
Squarerouteofsquirrel · 23/06/2017 10:26

Go on girly clothes shopping trip, try on lots of different outfits for a laugh. Make big fuss about how gorgeous she looks in slightly more classy looking outfits.

hellomoon · 23/06/2017 10:34

I think what she is (or isn't) wearing is a red herring.

The fact that she says that she has 'nothing going for her, but her body' is where your focus could be as a friend.

Why does she have such low self esteem? Is that something you could help her with? If my friend said she had nothing going for her, I'd be very sad and want to help her see what a wonderful person she is.

Neutrogena · 23/06/2017 10:37

Leave her alone. Take the judgy pants off and let her make her own sartorial choices. If she ask your opinion, offer it. If not, keep it zipped.

Original poster
Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 10:39

@hellomoon it's just that. She's upset because she isn't meeting the right guys. She gets upset because they sleep with her then don't want anything serious. But as PPs have said, she's attracting the wrong sort

Which is totally and utterly shit, and I'm sick of leery men, but it is happening Sad

OP posts:
hellomoon · 23/06/2017 10:48

hellomoon it's just that. She's upset because she isn't meeting the right guys. She gets upset because they sleep with her then don't want anything serious. But as PPs have said, she's attracting the wrong sort. Which is totally and utterly shit, and I'm sick of leery men, but it is happening

Which they will - if boobs and legs are on show, then people (men and women) will look. Some of them will judge as a result which his a shame but a fact of life. She might not realise that people are making comments - perhaps you can gently share that with her and if she isn't bothered about them, then you shouldn't be either. As for not meeting the right guys, then maybe you can talk about where she's meeting them...and try and adjust that. For example, you are more likely to meet someone committed to a relationship on e-harmony than on tinder. You sound like a great friend.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 23/06/2017 10:51

Sounds like she needs more help from her friends than just sartorial advice. Agree with PPs rather than directly addressing the clothing issue help her see she has got more going for her.

quizqueen · 23/06/2017 11:08

Can the landlord of the pub have a word with her about her inappropriate dress sense and say he's received some complaints/ not very nice comments.

TheStoic · 23/06/2017 11:13

What exactly would you say to her?

I think it's a phase, and it will fizzle out on its own.

Pengggwn · 23/06/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mctat · 23/06/2017 11:16

'Can the landlord of the pub have a word with her about her inappropriate dress sense and say he's received some complaints/ not very nice comments.'

Confused
Original poster
Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 11:18

@Pengggwn well yes, of course she can. As I've said many times

It's not really about that though. Maybe you could read the extra details

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 23/06/2017 11:18

quizqueen no seeing as she's wearing clothes. Plus how do you know the owner of the pub isn't a woman?

As has been pointed out supporting her and building her self-esteem is the most important thing. You are a kind and caring friend so hopefully will be able to help her see she has a lot going for her. Also, meeting boys isn't everything, hopefully she'll be able to enjoy being single and if she really wants a relationship will find the right kind of person soon enough.

BangkokBlues · 23/06/2017 11:19

@mygorgeousmilo I think we have the same friend!

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2017 11:20

God she's only in her 20s?

I think as a friend, I'd be putting more effort into encouraging her to enjoy being single and concentrate less on trying to find a boyfriend.

She has tons of time for that.

Original poster
Essentialnmchange · 23/06/2017 11:21

@NoLoveofMine it is in fact a landlady. She's lovely but wouldn't dream of telling a woman how to dress in her pub...

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 23/06/2017 11:23

Essential I'm glad to hear it!

I hope you can build your friend's self-esteem soon. Finding a boyfriend isn't the be all and end all, she can hopefully see herself in a more positive light, helped by spending lovely time with her friends like you with whom she can discuss how she's feeling.