To not want to be called a bitch during sex?

[ohamIreally]

Went on a 3rd date last night with a guy I met IRL. We were at his place and had wine and he made dinner. We ended up having sex. I knew of course it was on the cards and was quite keen. Now I haven't had sex in over a year, was quite nervous as have split from a long marriage. Anyway I found him quite aggressive, he called me a bitch and I told him not to. I then just felt that he was trying to pull me around. So I told him it wasn't working for me (thank you Mumsnet!) gathered up my clothes and got dressed. He was astonished! I said that I knew the world had moved on and maybe that was normal behaviour these days but it wasn't for me. Was I over-reacting?

OP better off finding out after 3 dates than after 7 or whenever.

Go you! Bet you feel so glad today. Has he been in touch?

Certainly not normal behaviour in our house but we are hardly up to date with what is 'fashionable' sexually.

If someone did that to me I would be up and out of there like a shot so I think you are absolutely right OP. It is disrespectful treatment.

You are my hero OP! Well done.

Not unreasonable at all. Awesome move :)

And dirty doesn't have to be abusive or insulting. I can't imagine how he thinks this is OK, expecially when he hradly knows you. You had a lucky escape I think.

Thank you! I'm glad I left. I don't have any regrets at fucking on a 3rd date, it's been a long time, I'm a grown woman and protection was used. I do think better now than further down the line as that would have really pissed me off to waste my precious time on someone nasty and misogynistic

Totally agree Oham. Much better to shag early and find out they're a wanker than invest a huge amount of time and emotional energy, then shag them (with emotional investment in the shag) then find out they're a wanker. I've done both (multiple times!) and I know that the latter scenario hurts much more.

I'm a guy..sexual thread. Look at popular music on mtv, mainstream porn, you don't have to look far to notice the denegraton of women, and it's popular culture. 50 shades! Haha..

Sex (and kinks) are all about respect, communication, and consent.

YWNBU to kick him to the curb and leave. You were not overreacting at all! You knew your boundaries and you stood up for yourself.

Other posters are BU for dismissing and denigrating those who might enjoy that sort of thing.

And dirty doesn't have to be abusive or insulting.

Once, dirty meant - It's hard/wet/feels good etc.

Nowadays dirty means - I'm going to tear your arsehole, you fucking bitch

(Which is all perfectly fine in a loving consenting relationship, natch)

such poor form to pull that the first time, never mind ever. disgusting. well done you 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

I tell you what OP, I shagged for Scotland pre-DH and no-one ever spoke to me like that. I despair for our young women growing up in this culture, I really do. Well done you.

OP better off finding out after 3 dates than after 7 or whenever.

I am embarrassed to admit I once slapped a man in the face- for calling me a slut during sex. I don't condone violence, but I was shocked and taken aback. How is this ever ok?

I'm not convinced by this "verbal abuse is a kink" business. I think it just gives arseholes an excuse to indulge their misogyny.

Tinkly you're not allowed to say that. It makes the women who love being verbally abused feel all denigrated and dismissed.

But his surely being denigrated and dismissed is what they get off on

Other posters are BU for dismissing and denigrating those who might enjoy that sort of thing.

Surely they'll get a sexual thrill out of posters denigrating them?

All joking apart, if a friend told me she got off on being spoken to like a piece of shit, I'd tell her to get some therapy for her self esteem.

Obviously I am old and out of touch but it feels to me like sexuality is going down a very nasty path.

But I think sex should be a bit dirty so it wouldn't have bothered me.

So dirty=misogynist insults ?

How many women assume, if a man says he likes dirty sex, that he wants to be insulted and humiliated?

How many women just pee on a man's face during sex, because, hey, some people have a fetish for that and he might like it, too?

This sort of shit only ever goes in one direction. Think about it before declaring it okay because it is "dirty".

No woman should have to tell a man she doesn't want to be insulted during sex. Not wanting to be insulted is normal.

Obviously I am old and out of touch but it feels to me like sexuality is going down a very nasty path

For me sexuality (in terms of what people do in the bedroom) is always - and has always - been about trust and consent.

I don't think there's anything wrong with people exploring anything they want provided it is in a safe, trustful relationship and that doesn't usually occur when shagging on the first date (I don't think either there's anything wrong with shagging someone whenver you want to either after 10 mins or 10 dates BUT the more adventurous stuff is probably best left for another time).

You are so brilliant, OP, perfect example of what to do.

Other posters are BU for dismissing and denigrating those who might enjoy that sort of thing

Those who enjoy that sort of thing, at least the ones who aren't dicks are probably not presuming to spring it on someone in an aggressive (and I think a bit scary) way on a 3rd date without any discussion of it whatsoever. This is something a bit different to consensual kinkiness between people who like it really.

The porn generation seems to be be creating a really rapey, disrespectful idea of what sex is. Like PP I fear for young people growing up with it.

I'm a man and while I've talked dirty to a few women over the years, its only after we've built up a long-standing sexual rapport. I wouldn't dream of saying such things on a 3rd date/first time sex.

He's a dick.

There's talking dirty and then there's using misogynist language the first time you have sex. I can't imagine using 'dirty' talk that related to anyone's race or place of origin; at all but certainly not without checking. Why is misogynist language OK? Has it become so normal?

Oh, and I shagged my wonderful, gorgeous, non-misogynist DH on the third 'date'. If you count the first date as drunken snogging in a bar. So the OP's experience kind of proves my point isn't true in a lot of cases.

I think extreme porn is getting too normalised and has a lot to answer for as well. Men need a good shake if they think this kind of abuse and denigration of women is routinely acceptable, and you've just doled one out. I want to be like you when I grow up!

So, am I being a bit thick here? Does "talking dirty" actually now mean calling someone a bitch etc? Rather than something like, describing what you are going to do to someone, which is how I understand it.