To not want to be called a bitch during sex?

[ohamIreally]

Went on a 3rd date last night with a guy I met IRL. We were at his place and had wine and he made dinner. We ended up having sex. I knew of course it was on the cards and was quite keen. Now I haven't had sex in over a year, was quite nervous as have split from a long marriage. Anyway I found him quite aggressive, he called me a bitch and I told him not to. I then just felt that he was trying to pull me around. So I told him it wasn't working for me (thank you Mumsnet!) gathered up my clothes and got dressed. He was astonished! I said that I knew the world had moved on and maybe that was normal behaviour these days but it wasn't for me. Was I over-reacting?

Well, some people do like that sort of thing and others don't, so he was making an unwarranted assumption. However, when you said you didn't like it, did you tell him, specifically, that you didn't want to be called names? And how did he react?

My point is: some people think that All Women, having read 50 shades of shit or those cringy 'dark romance' novels that are popular at the moment, do like that type of sex. Some people, when it's put to them that this partner doesn't like [type of sexual activity] would be willing to apologise and try something else.

If he had already demonstrated in other ways that he wasn't worth keeping, fair enough (and well done for getting dressed and going home.)

'I said that I knew the world had moved on and maybe that was normal behaviour these days but it wasn't for me. '

The first time you have sex that you sort of fell into? No way is that normal. And he was astonished? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. PLEASE block him from everything. You told him you didn't like it, he didn't give a shit. There's nothing OTT about ditching a twat like this.

(Cue an influx of posters who love being called whore, bitch etc during sex)

Nothing wrong with that, in the right context e.g. as described by Scribble. But not in the OP's scenario - totally right to walk away.

Well done OP If he wanted to degrade you and pull you about, he should have discussed it with you first.

'However, when you said you didn't like it, did you tell him, specifically, that you didn't want to be called names? And how did he react?'

You see, OP, there's always some minimiser who makes men like this one think it's okay to behave this way. She told him she didn't like it, if that's enough for anyone to stop and ask for further clarification if he/she needs it, then it's certainly not to the other party to be responsible for FA other than getting out of there.

'If he had already demonstrated in other ways that he wasn't worth keeping, fair enough (and well done for getting dressed and going home.)'

NO ONE is obligated to keep seeing another person, for any reason, regardless of anything. You can be unhappy with how they chew their food and it's grounds for moving on.

NO wonder so many people end up in shit, abusive relationships.

Men should wait until they know a woman well before asking if he can call her names during sex, not assume he can until told not to

Yeah Scribble is right. It's the kind of thing you do after having established a fair amount of trust. Not on the first night.

user1476 surely though the default assumption ought to be 'ask first' and 'maybe leave it till a few times later' rather than 'steam in merrily with the name calling straight away'?

Fuck I hope I'm never single. No one has ever called me a bitch in bed (and I went around the block a bit before I met DH 20 odd years ago), I don't think I would handle it very well at all. Is it a thing now? Is it normalised?

'Oh well, you'd never said "Don't call me a bitch in bed, I don't like it" so how was I supposed to know?'

Wonder how this 'reverse consent' motion works more generally...

Wow, well done OP, you are brilliant.

Quite right.

Why would a man think a woman wanted to be called a bitch on their FIRST sexual encounter??? Fair enough if you know each other, have been together for ages, and he knows you'd like that - but otherwise?? God. No.

'Normal behaviour these days'? I bloody hope not.

Men should wait until they know a woman well before asking if he can call her names during sex, not assume he can until told not to

Not even "don't call me names", but you have to specify which terms of abuse you don't want. If you leave one out and he calls you that one, how could you complain?

If he was calling you a bitch the first time you had sex think what he is like when he is more comfortable!!!

Good for you OP. I said recently on here that I dated a well-ish known man who said such things from the first time.. I didn't really know what to do so laughed it off, but wish I'd put my foot down. Young and naive. Plus he got me properly drunk first. Hmmm.

Tinkly I think everyone's just a lot more free to show what they like now. Which is good, I can't imagine how I'd have shown my depraved side if I'd been born in my granny's time. But like anything about sex - oral yes/no, anal yes/no, treating you like a princess, treating you like a whore, cumming in mouths yes/no, nipple play yes/no - have all the sex you want but you MUST respect your partner and introduce it respectfully and with love.

I know this is going against the grain and I will get flamed, but fuck it, I'm going to say it anyway...

I think this behaviour from this man was pretty awful and you did good OP to leave the situation.

But shagging on the THIRD DATE?

Really?

I am not naive or prudish, but I really would not be getting into such an intimate situation as having sex, with someone I have seen just 2 times before.

I am not dismissing what happened to you, and he sounds like a prize knob, and you dodged a bullet, but maybe get to know a man for a bit longer in the future before getting your knickers off?

I would have been quite scared if a man had called me a bitch the firsr time I had sex with him. Lucky Escape. Well done.

notknown surely the theme of 'different strokes for different folks' in this thread is enough to signpost that it's about your individual boundaries, not having those of another person imposed on you?

People need to talk about what kind of sex they like and what their boundaries are before fucking. It prevents misunderstandings, allows you to know whether you may be compatible and cuts out those who have a mentality or interests that you don't want. I find that a lot of younger men are into more aggressive sex and I think it comes from the types of porn they're into.

For safety reasons I always ask before I'm ever in a room alone with them (I do a lot of online dating). I know from their answer whether I want them and would feel safe with them. It sounds crazy but I've blocked about six men from hearing their rather alarming answers and one guy I was very glad I never got alone with as he had a choking women unconscious fetish - which he told me as if it were the most normal thing in the world!!!! 😲 My point is, there are a lot of sick and dangerous fucks out there, far more than there used to be thanks to widespread extreme porn so you have to be far more careful then you would have needed to 20 years ago when most of this now mainstream stuff was unheard of.

You are a woman and a half! Go you!

I love that you said no.

Odd to me that he could think that was ok for a first time, for me it's about exploring once the trust had built. Well if in honest it used to be, now it's about not taking to loooong over it as I get too tired....

Btw... He sounds horrible, that must have been really upsetting for you.

Some women don't mind being called these things during sex, myself included.
difference is I've been married for 25 years and it's a part of our healthy sex life, I call him names in the heat of the moment too.

To be like this on the first time is appalling and I don't blame you OP.
I wonder what made him think it's acceptable?

Yep too much porn.
Mind you, I once warmly and lovingly called someone 'such a pervert' after a really wonderful tuned in session, and they were mortally offended, and I have been known to get someone's fantasy rude talk wrong, so when I said 'mm take advantage of me sir' they got extremely uncomfortable and thought I was questioning their professional integrity.. So he might have been well intentioned. [Grin] i also am immediately turned off by any questions like 'are you coming' so it is all about what works.. Or not..
But I think a line is crossed with an insult..it's too risky without some hint or conversation