To not want to be called a bitch during sex?

[ohamIreally]

Went on a 3rd date last night with a guy I met IRL. We were at his place and had wine and he made dinner. We ended up having sex. I knew of course it was on the cards and was quite keen. Now I haven't had sex in over a year, was quite nervous as have split from a long marriage. Anyway I found him quite aggressive, he called me a bitch and I told him not to. I then just felt that he was trying to pull me around. So I told him it wasn't working for me (thank you Mumsnet!) gathered up my clothes and got dressed. He was astonished! I said that I knew the world had moved on and maybe that was normal behaviour these days but it wasn't for me. Was I over-reacting?

notknown seriously?! Don't be so judgemental and ridiculous.

I am not dismissing what happened to you, and he sounds like a prize knob, and you dodged a bullet, but maybe get to know a man for a bit longer in the future before getting your knickers off

The minute you added the caveat to that statement you were dismissing what happened.

Nice use of over emotive language to victim blame though

Heck, not over reacting at all. You didn't like it. You voted with your feet. Nice one

wow. I am in awe of you ohamIreally - exactly what I wish I had done in my sleeping-about days (but did not have the balls to, on more than one occasion IIRC)

What type of sex you have is totally your choice, but this guy chose for you. Presumptuous git!

'Normal behaviour these days'? I bloody hope not.

Unfortunately I've heard about this kind of thing and more aggressive behaviour happening. I think a combination of the violence and contempt towards women which is common in so much of pornography and the mainstream now generally presenting women and girls as being submissive and wanting this sort of thing sexually are at fault, not that I'm in any way excusing any boy or man who does this (quite the opposite). If any boy called me a "bitch" in any context I'd never want anything to do with him, let alone in such a intimate setting.

I dunno Scribble, people have been happily expressing what they like sexually for a long time now. They certainly were in the 80s when I was last putting it about. And I went out with some edgy characters, and did some wild-ish stuff. But no one ever called me a bitch. Or actually even asked if they could call me a bitch.

I do actually worry for my daughters.

Bloody hell notknown I've shagged more that one person on a first date! Don't be so judgemental!

I wish I'd had the confidence to do that in the past. Well done OP.

Oh and I forgot to add as I wanted to at the end of my post it's great you removed yourself from that situation and told him what you thought ohamIreally!

I hope it's not normal either.

I dated a man last summer and he wanted to do this. I was shocked. He reined it back in and seemed apologetic for having suggested it. But I felt he was just faking being nice then. Why on earth would he want to do this to a woman he claimed to like. We split up soon afterwards and he was a sexist fucked up pig.

Ugh.

OP you are a star for getting yourself out of there. With any luck you've educated him too. Not your problem if you haven't though.

Onwards and upwards

No I would hate that!! Well done you!!

I'm not 'victim blaming' and that is such a fucking over-used phrase n here.

Wind yer necks in!

I am entitled to my opinion you know, and in MY opinion, shagging on a third date, is too soon.

And bully for you @Mrswinkler for fucking on a first date. And doing it often.

It's not for me. I prefer to get to know someone a bit better before having sex with them.

What am I like eh?

The OP's experience kind of proves my point.

notknown the 50s called wondering where you'd got to.

Blimey notknown not sure how many dates it would take to get those judgey knickers down round your ankles

maybe get to know a man for a bit longer in the future before getting your knickers off?

Women may even meet men purely to have sex, you know. They don't deserve to be treated roughly or derogatively, however.

notknown its fine to have preferences for yourself but your whole post is about how other people should do the same.

I've had tons of one night stands and relationships that started with sex and never had a nasty experience like the op's so her experience proves nothing.

Typical predicted MN responses. I knew I would get flamed for DARING to have an opinion that went against the grain.

You do know people are entitled to different opinions don't you my dears???

I am hiding this thread now, because I have had my say, and don't need to say anymore. I'm not arsed to sit here being slagged off by snarky MN-ers.

Ta-ra.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out judgemental cah

Classic hit & run there Notknown - the thread isn't about you. You are hiding the thread because you can't cope with people defending your personal attack.

*defending the OP against

NotKnown, how many dates exactly does one usually have to wait before having sex in order to know who is going to call you a bitch in bed?? By the sounds of it this guy had been perfectly charming until they went to bed - I don't think the timescale is relevant here.

YWNBU. And well done for doing that.

Verbal abuse is a kink, and like all kinks it needs discussing before playing with it.

I get that people feel weird about talking about these things in a non-sexual setting, but it's a necessity, like birth control.

It's weird how the range of activities considered "vanilla" seems to keep expanding. A lot of people seem to think "vanilla" means "not unusual" and therefore what it covers changes as kinkier sexual behaviours become normalised.

It really doesn't work like that. It's about the level of risk, including emotional risk, and any power exchange involved, and those things don't change with fashion. Just because something is now commonly done, that doesn't mean it doesn't need discussing.

He was being an irresponsible dick.

@Notknownatthisaddress

Your point lost credence for being written in deliberately provocative language.

You could have made the same point as merely a point - not some "ooh look aren't I controversial" type spiel

He is a numpty, you did exactly the right thing!!! We've got your back 100%