to think DH is rewarding the DCs poor behaviour?

[Busybecca]

Following on from my thread about DH babying our DC and allowing them to be rude and dictate to him, we've been talking about our different approaches to try and find some middle ground. Another aspect of parenting we have different views on is reactions to bad behaviour/not listening/not getting their own way.

Tonight DDs (3 and 4) were playing with the water table. DD (3) had a pot of water and went down to the washing line and deliberately tipped it on the washing. I went out and asked her not to, explaining that I wanted it to get dry - not even more wet. A few minutes later, she did it again. I returned and warned her that if she refused to listen and did it one more time then I'd remove her pots altogether. She did it again, I removed her pots. She cried and screamed for a bit and I reiterated what I'd asked her not to do, how she hadn't listened and that I'd explained and followed through with the consequence.

If DH had been in this situation, he would have moved the washing to prevent having to ask DD to stop. If I had been there and told him I needed the washing dry and to leave it out then he'd have asked DD to stop at least ten times before removing the pots. He would then carry her off to do something else to cheer her up, giving her his full attention while ignoring her sister who was being well behaved.

IMO he's rewarding poor behaviour with attention and alternative activities and I think they won't learn unless they have a chance to feel the consequences of their actions. The other day, DD (4) kept poking DD (3) in the ear while she was drawing and rather than tell her to stop, DH carried her off and gave her her weekend magazine she receives if she's been good He thinks this is distraction and works as it stops tears and fall out. I think sometimes there needs to be tears and fall out and that conflict can't always be avoided to keep the peace. He thinks I'm being harsh on them and I'm struggling to see a middle ground because he absolutely believes he isn't rewarding them.

What do you think?

I think don't sweat the small stuff. Tears and conflict is totally unnecessary.

I think he's going for the easy option. Lazy parenting. YANBU. He needs to be on the same page as you, whether it's your way or his, or the DC are going to be v confused, then it'll be you telling them no as they grow and them running to daddy to play you off one another. Get him on board now. OP.

So you'd move the washing you need dry rather than tell her to stop Squirmy?

I agree with you OP, kids need to learn to listen. If not at 3 and 4 then when do you start enforcing rules.

I also agree with PP that that you both need the same rules, otherwise they will learn to run to dad whenever you tell them no.

They need to learn that if they don't do as asked when it's a reasonable request that consequences happen and they should do as they're told

Meh, they're three and four- move the washing, and pick your battles. You sound like hard work.

DH needs to get on board now. He's their father, not their friend.

Give it ten years and you are going to have two very unpleasantly spoilt and difficult young girls on yours hands and the responsibility will be on his doorstep.

I honestly can't believe people think I should move washing rather than risk upsetting a three year old I think it's ridiculous to walk on eggshells around your DC.

But you're assuming what dh would have maybe done. Not what he did. B in the washing line incident.

TBH you come across, from your previous thread to, as being totally convinced that your way is right, and dh is wrong. That cannot be true. Even if he is different in style, or annoying, he is not automatically wrong.

TBH, from your description of the washing incident it sounds like you want applause for being so great and patient. I think it's unfair to speculate what he would have done even if, tbh it might be fairly accurate!

I've would say your method actually involves way too much talking and discussion. After the 1st lot of water on the washing I would have said no and removed the tools.

I have learnt that feet words are usually clearer and more effective. In have also learnt that dh has as pretty different approach to mine. Of course mine is the right way and better by far, but everyone has different styles. You need to work out a basic framework of tactics but otherwise leave him to parent in his own stylr. Constant criticism won't help..

They need to learn that if they don't do as asked when it's a reasonable request that consequences happen and they should do as they're told

Are they people or drones?

How do they assess whether a request is reasonable at 3?

In this weather, your washing will dry. I do agree with consequences, but I think this was an unnecessary one.

I totally get your points about giving the unwanted behaviour the attention and rewards and ignoring the wanted behaviour and not rewarding that. (the treat magazine).

But from reading your OP, what I think is that you're somewhat rushing to give your (very young) children consequences. I am a VERY big fan of consequences, but I much, much, much prefer a happy household/family, so (like your DH) I would take steps to avoid situations where consequences are necessary. Having said that, I wouldn't go as far as you say he does in order to avoid them.

And consequences can be positive too.... wanted behaviour can win awards (such as positive attention and praise) = a consequence. It doesn't have to all be about taking things away and having to deal with tears and upset.

Few words not feet

What's the difference between a consequence and a threat?

Titty (great name, are you a James Bond fan by any chance???) they learn by their parents modelling behaviours. It starts from birth. Of course they haven't "got it" by 3 or 4, but we teach them what we want them to learn.

EG, parents typically say to their children "we're leaving in 10 minutes" or "this is your 5 minute warning". Toddlers have no concept of time, but if their parent/carer regularly does this, and the time stated is more-or-less the time that elapses, then they do learn (of course, if their parent/carer says "10 minutes" and that could mean anything from 30 seconds to 3/4 hour then the child won't learn, or the learning will take longer but the point is that if parents model and practice the behaviours, over times the child that can trust their parents will learn). IMHO this is the best form of 'teaching' parents can do.... Safe, boundaried, reliable. Teaching your child(ren) not only the lesson that you want them to learn ('we're leaving in 5 minutes'/'if you throw water where I don't want you to, I'll remove your ability to do that') but also that they can trust and rely on their care-giver.

I'm with you OP
Reasonable communication, warnings and consequences.

Applying a reward to an unwanted behaviour simply increases the chances the behaviour will be repeated - it basic behavioural analysis. Your DH is not distracting - he's rewarding, and if he's consistently rewarding poor behaviour in one child to 'keep the peace' your other child will suffer in the long term

Seems to me the problem is not that you have conflicting parenting styles. The problem is that he has a firm agenda of wanting to be 'lovely nice fun' daddy, and for you to be the ogre mummy. That's all about him, and not about them (or parenting).

If you point out how selfish he is being, by putting his own needs above their needs to grow up with clear boundaries and an understanding of consequences, it might make it harder for him to keep doing what he's doing.

With my DH I usually ask 'how do you imagine what you just taught them playing out in their future workplace? Do you think it will go well? What happens when they pull that trick on their boss.' If he answers that the kid is too young to worry about setting bad precedents, I remind him that it is part of the curriculum/daily practice at childcare, let alone kinder and early school.

Good luck to you.

I would have supervised/ distracted with the water in the washing line. Told her not to wet the washing, asked her to water the plants, water on a paint brush to paint the shed, Chalk on patio and stayed out with them or at least until she was engaged with a new activity.

with the poking, if her sister wasn't crying, I would have told her not to and again either sat and coloured with them to supervise or after telling her not to I would have moved her to something else like the magazine.

He said that's what he would have done when we discussed it, Ernest - I'm not speculating. I'm all for positive consequences Drinks and ignore unwanted behaviour where possible but I do think there should be a consequence for wilful disobedience. No, I'm not super strict and expecting them to be like robots. I make a point of saying no very infrequently so usually they know that when I say it, I mean it and they listen. The fact that DH says no much more often but then lets them continue isn't helping IMO.

But Bizzy that's easy to do if you have nothing else to be doing, like DH doesn't. But if I'm cooking tea I can't just leave it to colour with them or distract her. Sometimes they just need to listen without them gaining something (I. E. My attention) in return.

yes when he says no he doesn't need to follow through with enforcing the no YANBU there.

You're asking too much of very little people

Well I'm no expert on childcare but children can get used to everyone's different style. However, as someone pointed out above you don't want to both be going to extremes, where you are always the one who is telling them off and he is always the one being nice. It might be a good idea if you both took a parenting course or something to find a medium where you can more or less agree on how to do things.

I'd have done what you did too.

It's completely acceptable for the children to learn that actions have consequences. The 4yo will be going to school soon. The teacher won't move things out the way so they can do as they please.

The teacher won't leave dry washing next to a water play area because the teacher will understand that four year olds have poor impulse control and that this develops with age