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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share inheritance?

122 replies

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 19:34

Hi all,

I am looking for opinions please

Step family scenario, but all the kids are adults -I have one adult kid (27) , and one adult step kid (32) who lives abroad. My husband and I have joint wills where each kid gets 50% of our joint estate, nothing unusual there

I have inherited a decent chunk from my Dad - enough to buy a 3 bed semi for example.

I don't want this to become part of the estate

I feel disloyal (to my dad) if I was to allow this money to go outside of the family, he has never even met my step son

I had this conversation with my husband who implied I was being unreasonable, and said all money is OUR money. But I strongly disagree

Please give me your thoughts xx

OP posts:
BangkokBlues · 22/06/2017 09:34

@Andrewofgg that is a good point re inheritance tax. Thanks

sysysysref · 22/06/2017 09:35

I am usually of the view that everything gets shared. My dad remarried when I was a child and I know that his estate is split equally between all the children and step children which I absolutely support. However, you didn't meet your step son until he was an adult and therefore you owe him nothing, unless of course you want to. I think using it for your son and maybe keeping a bit back for house renovations makes perfect sense

What I don't buy into is whether the step son, or any step child is likely to inherit from other side of the family. That's their issue and business and shouldn't be taken into account, your family is your issue, theirs is theirs

MsGee · 22/06/2017 09:36

I dont think YABU.

My DH inherited from his parents recently. Whilst our situation is different I made it clear that in our will if the money goes beyond DD, then his parents money should not end up in my family. So a larger % goes to his best friend and a smaller to my sister and family.

So although different, I guess comparable. We also used some money in the short term on family things and then the rest is for DD.

Could you use some money for you and DH and give your DS a substantial amount now?

FelicityGubbins · 22/06/2017 09:38

It doesn't work that way by law sausage, no one has to put a million exclusions in their will. Any monies or other bequests are considered the sole property of the named recipient.

sufficatedsue · 22/06/2017 09:44

I think I would buy a property and spend an amount on my home.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/06/2017 10:01

No I would make sure this went to your son.

Main reasons

  • there's already been a slight imbalance with your putting in house deposit in the first place - step son will benefit more than he would have re eventual inheritance because of this
  • it's already agreed that inheritance the other way won't be split. Just because this is a bigger amount - doesn't change the principle.
  • agree that this isn't about what YOU leave to your children to inherit. That I agree should be equal. This is about a person related to your son who would want HIM to inherit. In the future, it might be that your stepson gets lucky with money in some other way - would there then be an outcry that he HAD TO share his lottery win/unexpected inheritance etc with your son? Of course not. Life isn't fair like that!
LatinForTelly · 22/06/2017 10:02

I agree with your decision, OP. FWIW I am a step-daughter and would never expect my stepfather's money to be split equally between his blood family and step family. (My mum and he got together when we were older teenagers.) I know it's a slightly different situation in terms of the generations involved, but no, would never expect it.

Branleuse · 22/06/2017 10:09

Im close to my stepdad, but I would never expect to inherit from him, and my stepbrother and stepsister are not going to inherit from my mum.
This inheritance is for you and your son

Quimby · 22/06/2017 10:14

"it's already agreed that inheritance the other way won't be split. Just because this is a bigger amount - doesn't change the principle."

It was agreed by the op informing her dh that she wouldn't be treating her inheritance as family money after the fact

It wasn't a long established agreement that the husband is trying to change because he's suddenly seen he's going to miss out

bridgetreilly · 22/06/2017 10:21

It's your inheritance, not your son's or your stepson's. Spend it if you need or want to now. Whatever's left when you go isn't 'your dad's money', it's your money.

emmyrose2000 · 22/06/2017 10:23

to be honest I have been thinking more and more about this - of buying a house in my own sons name. it would make a real difference to him to have secure housing as opposed to private renting

I would go with this. I'd probably keep some aside for myself to splash on a holiday or car or something "frivolous" that you might not necessarily have had the money for otherwise. But the rest would go to my child. If I had the means to give my child/ren a helping hand I'd definitely use it.

Your husband sounds like a toddler - what's mine is mine, but what's yours is also mine. It sounds like you've contributed more to the marriage financially, and then your husband has the gall to say that any inheritance he might get is his too, not to be shared with you. Mind boggling.

Also, as your stepson is going to inherit via his other parent, that definitely makes it incomprehensible that he should also benefit from a complete stranger; ie. his stepgrandad.

Quimby · 22/06/2017 10:25

"then your husband has the gall to say that any inheritance he might get is his too,"

Well no, he viewed all money as family money.
It was the op who made the decision re inheritance.

Or should he have accepted the op keeping her inheritance but also stick to his plan of sharing his

TheSkyisBlueToday · 22/06/2017 10:30

Surely if your DF wanted your DC to have the money he would of left it to him himself Hmm

Spend the money yourself on your own property.

BachingMad · 22/06/2017 10:58

Your DH sounds like an entitled twat. Why should it be his money at all? He hasn't worked for it or done anything to deserve it. Your DF left it to you not to both of you. Yes, do a few home improvements and take him on a holiday, but by all means leave the rest to your DS, especially as you know it's what your DF would have wanted.

Inherited money is not the same as money earned by the parties during the course of a marriage and I believe that the courts, rightly, recognise this on divorce.

Your DH sounds as though he is still living in the era where the wife and her chattels became his on marriage!

Lweji · 22/06/2017 11:08

I really don't see how the deceased should be concerned where their inheritance ends up apart from the immediate beneficiaries.

If it was that important for your dad, he could have included your son in his will and made sure he received exactly what he wanted. Or could have made a restriction to make sure only your son inherited.

So, I'd leave any concerns about what he might or might not have wanted.

The inheritance is yours. You do with it what you want. So, I think you should own up to your opinion and leave your dad out of it.

Personally, a step child that I helped raise and treated like a child, I'd include them as my heir. An adult step child, then I don't think I would.
I wouldn't consider it as joint estate, but your own personal estate for you to decide upon on your own.

MyheartbelongstoG · 22/06/2017 11:31

If this was a husband that received the money everyone would be banging on about this being family money.

BachingMad · 22/06/2017 13:40

I don't agree heart. My view would be the same whatever sex. Just because you marry shouldn't mean that you cease to be an independent individual.

robinia · 22/06/2017 14:15

My dgm made sure my df (her sil) was separately named in her will. He got an equal share to my dm (her dd) and her other dd.
If op's df had wanted her dh or dss to benefit directly he could have written his will to reflect that.

headinthecloud · 22/06/2017 14:38

I have a step son, a child who is solely mine however raised by my husband and we have one child together. Anything we have will split between the 3 children. Anything my parents leave would go to my birth children and anything from his side would go to my husbands birth children.

Original poster
PlainJane29 · 23/06/2017 16:12

How would you feel if he won the lotto and signed it over to his son so that your son couldn't get his grubby little fingers on it 30 yrs from now

How does this compare, as there is not the injustice of a person having worked all their life and eventually half their fortune going to someone they have never even met

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane29 · 23/06/2017 16:13

If this was a husband that received the money everyone would be banging on about this being family money

I don't think everyone would - I don't think its reasonable to feel entitled to money left by someone deceased that you have never even met.

OP posts:
Dentistlakes · 23/06/2017 16:18

YANBU. I would buy property or invest it in your son's name. Take advice on it though as it's a signal amount of money and there may be financial implications should you die within a certain period (inheritance tax wise).

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