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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share inheritance?

122 replies

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 19:34

Hi all,

I am looking for opinions please

Step family scenario, but all the kids are adults -I have one adult kid (27) , and one adult step kid (32) who lives abroad. My husband and I have joint wills where each kid gets 50% of our joint estate, nothing unusual there

I have inherited a decent chunk from my Dad - enough to buy a 3 bed semi for example.

I don't want this to become part of the estate

I feel disloyal (to my dad) if I was to allow this money to go outside of the family, he has never even met my step son

I had this conversation with my husband who implied I was being unreasonable, and said all money is OUR money. But I strongly disagree

Please give me your thoughts xx

OP posts:
just5morepeas · 21/06/2017 21:22

I think you should just give it to your son - a house or even deposit would be a massive help - long term - in today's financial climate and if you only met your step son when he was in his 20's you really don't owe him any inheritance.

But whatever you decide - I'd always try and make sure that anything you really want to pass on to a specific person is done while you're still alive. People often fall out massively over wills/inheritance and you never know what might get done after you're dead.

pilates · 21/06/2017 21:23

A lump sum to your son so he can get on the property ladder and the rest for you.

PeterIanStaker · 21/06/2017 21:25

I would be uncomfortable to inherit anything from my step mother's family wealth. I like them all, and they all like me well enough, but I'm confident there's an unmentioned understanding that it would be unfair on her children for me to accept a share. That pot of money is not connected to me.

BangkokBlues · 21/06/2017 21:45

As long as you and DH bought equal amounts to the relationship at the start then totally fine to keep the inheritance separate.

OCSockOrphanage · 21/06/2017 21:51

From experience, of my DH, if there is a second marriage especially as a person ages, then a solicitor is needed to talk though the complicated issues. My DH has missed out all along thanks to male preference in inheritance. His mother, the elder sib inherited the family house, but not the business, which was left to her younger brother; in the 50s it was the husband's responsibility to provide. DFiL and DH had no inheritance benefit from grandfather, because of GF's second marriage. His estate (inconsequential money, TBH) was left to wife 2 in its entirety and therefore went to her children, who were adults before DGiL and she met, at 55 and 70.

No bleating, but family circumstances and ill thought out wills have left us with a cynical view of inheritance.

Great kudos to my own grandparents who divided their estate into equal shares, instructed that it be realised, and paid out to all the people they wanted to benefit in relation to their kinship. I got about £3,000 as a grandchild but had they left it to my dad directly, it would have gone to his widow and their children, and skipped our side of his family completely.

Original poster
PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 23:08

No bleating, but family circumstances and ill thought out wills have left us with a cynical view of inheritance

Yes that is kind of where I am at too - I have witnessed the absolute heartbreak of family money going to a stranger that the decreased had never even met, whist the (close) family stand by and watch.

Honestly my granddad would be turning in his grave if he knew that none of his own kids had seen a penny or a personal item and it had all ended up in the hands of a grown man he had never even met

OP posts:
pambeesley · 21/06/2017 23:14

It would be very different if this child had been part of your and his life from a young age but from adulthood he has no right to the money and any sensible person could see that.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/06/2017 07:37

I would be slow to give it to your ds now as you may need it in the future for care. Think the idea of a buy to let is good as you will have income but your ds gets house later. Could you give both lads a cash amount now just so they have some joy from the inheritance enough for a holiday maybe.Then buy that buy to let house.
My dh had an inheritance which he shared completely with me. Well all went on family. Im not likely to ever inherit a penny but he doesnt care.

UrsulaPandress · 22/06/2017 07:45

I inherited from my dad. I paid £10k off the mortgage, spent about £30k on dd and I've invested a chunk and have some left that I fritter away. DH accepts that it is my money to spend as I wish. I'll probably pay for a big holiday for us next year.

Actually, I must look at my will again.

Categoric · 22/06/2017 08:07

Does your DH not see the hypocrisy of what comes from his family goes to his son only and what comes from your family is shared?

I think him putting any pressure on me to spend the inheritance would leave me very uncomfortable. Vary the will and let your son have the money.

And have you ensured that your son will really receive his inheritance? In the event that you die first, is it possible for your husband to change his will and exclude your DS? I would be very very careful here.

Pengggwn · 22/06/2017 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471545174 · 22/06/2017 08:31

PlainJane, you have made your decision at 23:08:11.

The inheritance is for your son, and your grandfather would turn in his grave if it were distributed differently. That is his will.

user1471545174 · 22/06/2017 08:33

I also agree with your decision, especially as you first met your stepson as an adult.

BangkokBlues · 22/06/2017 08:35

TBH I don't really see the point in adults with grown up children re-marrying. Why not just have stayed as cohabiting partners and avoided all this drama? Keep it nice and simple and legal.

Suppose later on there can be difficulties if you aren't married and therefore not next of kin?

Andrewofgg · 22/06/2017 08:48

BangkokBlues The Chancellor of the Exchequer will take a mighty cut hen the first of an unmarried couple dies.

Quimby · 22/06/2017 08:53

"Does your DH not see the hypocrisy of what comes from his family goes to his son only and what comes from your family is shared? "

Has everyone missed that this is due to the op's decision as to how inheritance is dealt with.
Originally his intention was that it would be family money.

RebelandaStunner · 22/06/2017 08:58

In your case I would give most of it to your DS and keep some for house stuff and holidays.

Quimby · 22/06/2017 08:59

Also surely it's not that he thinks the stepson who's never met the grandad should be directly given money, more that the windfall his wife has received should be viewed as family money in the marriage.
The op is then concerned about this meaning that long term the son indirectly benefits.

Fwiw I have no problem with couples protecting their assets and if I was the high earner in a marriage would probably do the same.
But I think it's a bit disingenuous to paint is as though the husband is saying "my son deserves half that cash" rather than "all money in the marriage is shared"

FelicityGubbins · 22/06/2017 09:04

Inheritance money is very different from standard marital income, as it has a named recipient. It is not intended to be shared as your father would have left it to both of you if that was his intent. Buy a house for your son and tell your "D"H that unless he can guarantee to gift you the exact same amount of his money that he wants of yours he can piss off.
Where there's a will there's a grabby fucker and all that...

YoureNotASausage · 22/06/2017 09:12

I think you are married and you are a family. It's family money. That inheritance should be first and foremost enjoyed and used by you and your DH. Home improvements, holidays, security for your old age. Hopefully neither child will get their inheritance for a very long time but regardless you are a family now and your step son came part and parcel with your husband.

How would you feel if he won the lotto and signed it over to his son so that your son couldn't get his grubby little fingers on it 30 yrs from now....

coconutpie · 22/06/2017 09:17

Winning the lotto is completely different to an inheritance which should be distributed how the deceased wished.

YANBU OP. Keep some money for yourself to spend how you please on you and DH and use the rest to give to your son to help him with a house purchase of his own.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/06/2017 09:22

How about a fifty fifty split with your son now? A substantial sum at this stage of his life would help enormously with housing, rather than in hopefully decades time when you die and he won't need the money in the same way

Whatsername17 · 22/06/2017 09:27

My husband recently inherited a small amount of money from a grandparent. I don't consider it 'our' money. Inheritance is left to the person named in the will. Naturally, dh has used it to treat us as a family, he's paid for our summer holiday etc. But, he's also self published a book. It's cost him about £1500 after employing an editor. It isn't what I'd have spent the money on if it were mine, but, I totally support him. Yanbu

YoureNotASausage · 22/06/2017 09:31

Anything I inherit in the future is for my FH too. We are married. It's one of the commitments that comes with marriage, sharing finances.

If the grandfather hadn't wanted OPs family to have the money he would have left it to the grandson. She doesn't mention any instruction that the money was to remain in her side of the marriage only.

YoureNotASausage · 22/06/2017 09:31

DH, not FH.