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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not share inheritance?

122 replies

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 19:34

Hi all,

I am looking for opinions please

Step family scenario, but all the kids are adults -I have one adult kid (27) , and one adult step kid (32) who lives abroad. My husband and I have joint wills where each kid gets 50% of our joint estate, nothing unusual there

I have inherited a decent chunk from my Dad - enough to buy a 3 bed semi for example.

I don't want this to become part of the estate

I feel disloyal (to my dad) if I was to allow this money to go outside of the family, he has never even met my step son

I had this conversation with my husband who implied I was being unreasonable, and said all money is OUR money. But I strongly disagree

Please give me your thoughts xx

OP posts:

Original poster

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 20:14

What were the dynamics of the relationship between your Dad and your son, and your step son?

My Dad and step son are strangers - never even met

My Dad and son have always been pretty close, son would visit as often as poss

OP posts:

Inertia · 21/06/2017 20:15

Think I would probably split the difference - half to your son, so that he effectively has his inheritance from his grandparents early and can put down a substantial deposit on a house. I would then use the other half on house renovations - you want to be able to enjoy the house while you are alive.

No need to feel guilty as your husband has said that any inheritance on his side will go to his son only.

Original poster

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 20:16

I do think it would be fairly crap to avoid doing things that will greatly benefit you and DH now because one day long down the track the step-son might benefit from them too. That's no way to live.

Yes you are right

OP posts:

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 21/06/2017 20:17

i think Quizqueen has the best idea...the buy to let, you use the income from that and your son gets his family inheritance later.

KC225 · 21/06/2017 20:17

This kind of situation can cause problems. My brother has remarried and his new wife has insisted her 2 children from her second marriage (brother is her 4th) inherit equally with his two children. I can understand this if he lived and raised the raised children and they saw him a a Father figure but all the children were adults and had left home before they met. She claims, if her children do not inherit then it shows he does not love them equally. Her children will also inherit from their own Father. I feel sorry for my niece and nephew, I think my brother has been a bit weak.

I think the suggestions that you part buy a house for your son. 50 to 75% is a massive leap forward up the ladder if he is privately renting. It also gives him options of upgrading, moving etc. You get to renovate your house and increase the value which benefits all.

Good luck OP

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2017 20:18

So you put the deposit on the house, but you're prepared to share that with your husband.

Your husband will inherit from his parents and will not share that with your son.

Your husband wants you to share your inheritance with his son.

This is very confusing. What proportion do each of you pay into the mortgage?

Original poster

PlainJane29 · 21/06/2017 20:24

ImperialBlether - Sorry to confuse you - I think I have answered all of your questions further up the post

Thanks all, I am logging off for the night xx

OP posts:

milliemolliemou · 21/06/2017 20:27

Your dad's savings. He'd want you and your son to benefit, not a DSS he'd never met and possibly not even your DH/P except inasmuch as he makes you happy.

Both your DS and DSS will benefit from your estate 50/50 providing it's written in stone. What happens if you die first and your DH/P changes his will?

In your position I would buy a place in your son's name - if you keep it in yours it's still part of your estate I'd put something aside for doing up the house.

I would also consult a solicitor.

ChasedByBees · 21/06/2017 20:29

I would also want the money to go to your fathers grandchild. Does your DH have any say legally about this since you're married?

eddielizzard · 21/06/2017 20:29

i also like the buy-to-let idea and use that income on your house improvements.

when we got married my dad died and left me 10k. i didn't have much money and dh was in a better financial position so we agreed that we wouldn't share inheritance, and that i've have this 10k nest egg. subsequently dh has inherited hundreds of thousands, way more than me, but as per our agreement it's all his.

my point is that if you're miserly about this, then your dh will feel that way inclined too.

the buy-to-let is great because your ds will inherit from his granddad and your dh and dss will benefit from the income.

AntiGrinch · 21/06/2017 20:31

YANBU - but only, or especially, because your money is yours and you can leave it to whom you like. you don't need to tell anyone either.

SoThisIsSummer · 21/06/2017 20:32

I think its bonkers to expect your dads money to go to step son he has never ever met!!

If this step son was in your life from small dc and knew your df and had relationship with him that would be totally different, and perhaps would warrant some consideration.

I agree with the other PP to make sure your son is set up first - you dont need to buy him a 3 bed house for instance as another person said - even a flat to rent out he never lives in is something.

Then put rest aside and for some house renovations and stuff..then all bases are covered. But the main thing is your son has something solid.

SleepingTiger · 21/06/2017 20:33

You could possibly do a Deed of Variation and give it straight to your son - the it never forms part of your estate.

^ This only works for tax purposes.

It is still the OP who is arranging and signing it so that is an action taken by you as far as DH is concerned. Unlikely to change his position. But that is down to him and you, not anyone here.

You should severe your interests in all assets though and get legal advice to arrange for capital to go ultimately to your own children after second death. Pretty standard, but 90% of people never take advice.

gillybeanz · 21/06/2017 20:33

I'd keep a bit to treat yourself and give the bulk to your son in the form of a house.
Your dh is wrong and hypocritical if he thinks you should share and yet he isn't going to.

SoThisIsSummer · 21/06/2017 20:33

EDDIE that doesnt sound fair either!

Surely each partners financial security is of paramount importance!

eddielizzard · 21/06/2017 20:35

no it doesn't feel fair. but then we made the agreement and i should have been more generous. it bit me on the arse!

Iflyaway · 21/06/2017 20:40

See, I don't agree with the MN thing that ALL money is FAMILY money.

Your dad worked fucking hard for that money. He left it to YOU.

So YOU have every right to do with it what YOU want.

He does stand to inherit a small amount some day, but no he wouldn't be sharing

Tells you all you need to know OP.

Relationships come and go. Kids are for ever.

Make a will and leave it to your own DC!

Andrewofgg · 21/06/2017 20:51

YANBU. It would be different in the case of a step-child who had been one when still a child.

I met my DSF when I was 20 and my sister was 27; my father was dead. he and my DM pooled their means and each made a will in favour of the other or if the other was dead half to his children and half to my sister and me. But when my mother inherited a tidy sum from another relation she made a codicil leaving the interests on that money to my DSF for life, to boost his pension, with reversion to my sister and me. He outlived her six years and my sister and I never felt wronged at having to wait for the money - and SFAIK his sons never felt wronged at not getting half of it.

tararabumdeay · 21/06/2017 20:54

My Mum had a house bought outright for cash . She married again and died without a will a year before him. It all went to him.

He made a will and gave the whole lot to his own three kids leaving nothing for me and my brother.

sleeponeday · 21/06/2017 20:57

I think your husband is being heads his child wins, tails your child loses. I think he is thinking of his own son's best interests, and therefore you need to mirror that and protect your own child's.

Sharing the estate equally is fair enough, even if you did put considerably more in to begin with. Adding your family inheritance to the pot... no. Sorry.

I would also point out that if you die before your husband does, there is the sum of zero fuck all to prevent him changing his own will in his own son's exclusive favour and disinheriting yours completely. Might it be wiser to leave your own half of the shared property so your husband has a life interest as occupant, with reversion to your son upon your husband's own death? I mean, what if he remarries?

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 21/06/2017 20:59

YANBU. Not the same but in our Wills, in the event of the disaster clause, it would go to my dad and DH's mum, however I had an inheritence and paid for our house deposit (over 50%) and I've paid for the updating inside. It's to be split 60/40 in favour of my dad (and I think that its too much for MIL really).

Money doesn't always have to be split equally when it is blended families and when 1 person gets an inheritence. If you kept any of the money, I'd want the percentages in the Will changed. Your DH is in no place to moan, he didn't even contribute to the deposit so your step son is already inheriting a share from you because his dad alone wouldn't have had that money.

sleeponeday · 21/06/2017 21:00

Incidentally, the answer would be really different if you'd raised the boys together from childhood. But you haven't - why does your husband feel his son is entitled to the money of a man he has never even met, because he married that man's daughter after his son was already an adult? When his son is already going to benefit from your financially stronger position, to the disadvantage of your own son?

MaisyPops · 21/06/2017 21:05

YANBU

To expect you to split YOUR inheritance with an ADULT that your dad has NEVER met shows a level of selfishness that would make me question your DH's principles if I'm honest.

Almost like it was fine when nobody was predicting much money but now there's a substantial amount then suddenly it's all 'my child is your step son were family'.

DerelictWreck · 21/06/2017 21:10

My siblings and I have just inherited money from our grandparents and their generation, and it's very much instilled in us that it is not out money, but money for us to use, enjoy, invest, look after and then pass on. For that we reason we would never let it go outside the family as the people who earned it would not have wanted that and we still think of it as their money. Does that make sense?!

Mummmy2017 · 21/06/2017 21:18

I think you should use some for a holiday for you both, maybe do some work on the house and give your son a lump sum towards a house.. That way you both enjoy a well desereve holiday treat.

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