By putting my foot down with MIL now?

[PayingMyWayYouSay]

I'm fed up of her financial input. I cannot buy anything for my DS without a raised eyebrow.

I wanted an £800 pram. I ended up getting something else for £150. Lovely basket for shopping which the other didn't have but just as slim (and £600 originally anyway).

I want a very lovely but basic IKEA cot, with matching wardrobe and draws but we didn't mention that part. Apparently that's not acceptable since her DD and other DIL got theirs for £25 off EBay.

DH is saying it's my choice since it's so important to me (as in he isn't that bothered), but she just keeps on. Or gives me funny looks and sighs.

All of DS's Sleepsuits are next or jojo, this is ridiculous by her standards, and so is buying a few gorgeous bits for next Summer, in her opinion.

I try not to mention these purchase anymore but she sees them and comments without prompting.

I can't treat my child without being put down or looked badly at. I'm constantly compared to what others have purchased.

DS is my 5th pregnancy but will be my first baby. Yes, I want to have everything how I would like.

It most likely will make fuck all difference in the long run but it's what I want to do and so I am going it.

Would a few stern but polite words be a bit unreasonable?

I know she has 3 DC of her own but I'm just fed up of her comments.

I don't drink or smoke, everything I buy myself is good quality basics that last ages. I don't treat myself in all honesty.

Just dont try to justify yourself to her.

Try not to tell her anyhting as she will bitch.

When she does bitch you can either ignore, change the subject or tell her to keep out

Stop telling her about your purchases. If she asks, say you won't discuss it with her.

Tell her to butt out. Call her out for the looks/ sighs. Strong boundaries need to be established. Minimal contact if necessary. Phrases like 'X might have chosen to do that but this (other thing) is what I am going to do.'
Have you spoken to the other daughter/ DIL to see if they experienced similar?

DH has a habit of telling if prompted, but to be honest I haven't discussed with him that we should just keep our mouths shut about our my extravagant spending

One example is me wanting to get a Sleepyhead, totally unacceptable spending apparently

For goodness sake not at all UR !!

My Mil did the same although get this op - the only thing i really brought for DD was a set of baby sleep suits that were pricey I stupidly showed them to her expecting her to coo and ahh over them for being cute but instead she looked at them forensically then said with a tired sigh " Oh but you will have so much stuff brought for you already" . She kindly offered to pay for a pram, but only if she chose it with her mother without me being present so we said no thanks to that.

She was a bloody downer over the whole thing accumulating in in a massive argument just after dd was born. Second time round I went mad ( second hand yes but still mad) and indulged myself freely.

Anyhooo.....in your situ op ask your dh to say nicely" would you mind watching what you say re baby stuff paying is getting fed up about it, its putting a downer on everything. See what happens then address her yourself - " Mil dear - you may not realise your doing it - but every time I mention baby stuff you seem unhappy and tell me how I could have got it cheaper. Its a bit miserable for me, could you resist please"

if she doesnt - see her much much less...this is a precious wonderful time, you do not need miserable moaning cows ruining it for you!"

Have spoken to SIL (BIL's wife), and she is very frugal so doesn't really get it, nor does she get my want for watching nursery furniture etc.

SIL (DH's sister), says it's my choice but she wouldn't bother spending what I do. Although she does spend on fags and alcohol

Your baby, your money, your choice. Each to their own.

Absolutely put your foot down now. Be polite. Do it with a smile but be firm.

"Mil, we love you but it's not your business what we spend our money on". repeat ad infinitum.

And yes, tell your DH to stop telling her what you buy and how much it costs.

You're an adult and don't need your mil's permission to buy stuff.

Just buy what you want. She sounds like the type who's never happy so stop trying to get her approval.

SIL (DH's sister), says it's my choice but she wouldn't bother spending what I do. Although she does spend on fags and alcohol I suppose silent judging is better than out loud

first of all

Yes, put your foot down. My MIL does the same thing and it drives me crazy. I don't give her the pleasure of a reaction. I either completely ignore her comments or call her out:
Why are sighing? Are you all right?
X bought Y and Z? How lovely (in a clearly disinterested tone)
The weather just doesn't know what to do, does it?
Etc
Absolutely do not discuss, you don't have to justify how you spend your money

YANBU i would try and not take this personally though. They are obviously just very different people to you. I can totally understand why you want everything to be special for your first baby and i was like that too.. but they obviously just cant get their heads around it or maybe see it as an insult towards their way of life or something mad.
So i think its best just to try and rise above it and completely ignore any comments. Carry on as you are, buy the things that you want and dont let these peoples insecurity or lack of understanding effect your experience. Because what they think doesnt really matter anyway to be honest. Its just a bit of tutting, leave them to it!!

How does she say it? Very pointedly, like "you've spent too much money on that, it's irresponsible."? Or a bit more subtle snidey comments? Basically, if she's being bold, be bold back. If she asks how much something cost say "I don't like to talk about money". If she says you've spent too much say "that's your opinion and I didn't ask for it. I'll spend my money how I like, just as you do".

If you keep shutting her down it may stop before it has to come to a big argument. Congratulations on your baby.

If you can afford it and want to spend it... then why not... what's the point of a well paying job etc if you can actually spend anything....

Oh - and a Sleepyhead is worth its weight in gold.

Ignore her.

I would be furious. I'd say, "You know damn well I've lost four babies and if I want to buy this longed-for baby some clothes then I bloody well will" and then leave the room. How dare she sit in judgement when all you're doing is buying nice things for your baby?

She's franker than frank haematuria when it comes to telling things as she sees them.

She isn't the loud type though.

We aren't rolling in it etc, but I don't spend my disposals income on much else at all and I am not in debt

If you discuss your finances with her, or have accepted any financial help from her, then you've handed her the right to act like this. However, if you haven't, then yes - definitely say a few stern words.

Ian we have accepted financial in recent past. Nothing major though

I don't get why the cost of stuff even has to come up. Why do other people need to know what you spend on stuff for your child? If they ask, just say you can't remember. It doesn't need to be the big deal you/your MIL are making it. Play dumb and act like you don't give a flying chuff what anyone else thinks and keep prices to yourself. My MIL is the opposite in that she buys all the posh stuff and I bargain hunt in all the charity shops, but we just don't discuss the cost of things and it's a complete non-issue as a result.

P.S. sorry if this sounds like an arsey response. I've just read it back and I feel like it might sound snappy? That's not intentional - I just mean it's your business and yours alone. Do what you can to minimise anyone else's involvement in what you buy and how much you spend.

Would a few stern but polite words be a bit unreasonable?

'I'm entirely uninterested, please shut up' would be appropriate. My bet is you will find it enormously effective.

Be franker than frank back to her and then move on.

Say "I really don't care at all whether you think it is too much money or not. What did you think of eastenders last night"

I'd just lie but pointedly 'oh I think I paid £4 for that in the Sally Army shop' about everything including the £110 Sleepyhead

Yes, if she can be franker than frank to you then she is bloody well able to take that from you - be frank OP!