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AIBU?

DSis and bridesmaid issue - very possibly being unreasonable

91 replies

Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 17:06

I would like to get some perspective as I'm genuinely not sure what's unreasonable here and whether I'm being rather pathetic so I'd like some MN insight.

I'm getting married at the end of the year and I've asked my DSis to be chief bridesmaid. We haven't always been close but I felt that a big occasion was a time to bring the family closer together. We've also arranged a number of elements of the wedding to ensure that DSis and her partner can come - so far, no issue.

However DSis got engaged a few months ago and has specifically said she does not want me as a bridesmaid. It hurt and brought up lots of past issues of being the less favoured child and also her seeing me as an embarrassment for much of our childhood (which to be fair I was as she was very cool and I'm a major dork)

Trying to be a grown up I decided to get over it and just ignore it but since then people have heard about the situation and have been commenting on it, with some even asking whether I'd now be dropping her from bridesmaid duties as a result.

I really don't want to do this as it feels incredibly petty, but I'm finding it harder to ignore the feeling of rejection that my only sister is happy enough to be my chief bridesmaid but doesn't want me in her wedding party. So, do I need to get a rather massive grip or am I justified in feeling upset about this?

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LaurieFairyCake · 20/06/2017 17:08

Has she said why?

It could be an actual reason (small wedding) rather than rejection?

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LIZS · 20/06/2017 17:09

After your wedding? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried.

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LaurieFairyCake · 20/06/2017 17:09

I had my SIL as a bridesmaid and she's getting married next year. There's no way I'd expect to be her bridesmaid, she's got loads of female friends that are much closer than her and I (even though we get on great).

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ajandjjmum · 20/06/2017 17:09

I suppose part of it depends on the type of wedding she is having. If it is a massive wedding with a string of bridesmaids, then yes, I would be hurt. If it is a smaller wedding, with maybe a flowergirl, then I wouldn't mind.

If it is the former, I would have to quietly speak to her, and say that I was upset, although I appreciated that it's totally her choice.

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PeaFaceMcgee · 20/06/2017 17:11

Yanbu. Horrid cow.

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elessar · 20/06/2017 17:11

Hmm tough one.

How many other bridesmaids is she having?

I probably wouldn't have my sister as a bridesmaid, we get on wellbut we aren't super close and we are quite different as people.

If she asked me to be a bridesmaid I'd probably say yes - wouldn't it be more of a rejection to say no? And surely asking someone to be a bridesmaid isn't then expected to be a reciprocal thing?

I can totally understand why you're hurt but I don't think your sister is really doing anything wrong - she probably just has different ideas about the purpose of bridesmaids and would rather have close friends than a sister she hasn't been that close to?

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CMOTDibbler · 20/06/2017 17:12

Unless she's said she is only having child bridesmaids, then yes, you are totally justified in feeling upset. TBH, yes, weddings can bring families together - but imo they can also tell you very firmly where you stand in peoples eyes

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BeautyQueenFromMars · 20/06/2017 17:12

Have you spoken with her about it? Did she say why you're not a bridesmaid?
I don't think you need a grip, you're entitled to be upset. I would be, in your position. I'd still choose to be kind though and not cancel her being your bridesmaid. You do things your way, she does them hers. Everyone will see who is the better person. Flowers

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PeaFaceMcgee · 20/06/2017 17:12

If you want bridesmaids just have those you're closest to, on reflection, and tell her so.

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Groupie123 · 20/06/2017 17:13

If she's having bridesmaids and doesn't want you to be one, then you wouldn't be unreasonable at all to remove her as bridesmaid for your wedding. She might even be expecting it.

I'm all for do your wedding your way, but when this slips into rudeness and inconsideration then you do need to stand up for yourself. Tell her she's no longer chief bridesmaid, let your friends know, and that's it. If she complains about it (and I doubt she will) then just give her the same reason she gave you.

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2014newme · 20/06/2017 17:13

It's a mistake to ever use your own wedding to "bring family closer together"

Bridesmaids are usually unmarried. Pippi was bridesmaid at Kates wedding but not the other way round.

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Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 17:14

It's going to be a large wedding, over 100 guests and 5 bridesmaids so I don't think it's a cost thing.

I haven't asked why directly - I'm worried she'll say something awful like I'll look out of place amongst her glamorous friends which I know is complete paranoia but still!

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/06/2017 17:14

We haven't always been close but I felt that a big occasion was a time to bring the family together - yabu just because you feel that doesn't mean she does and you haven't always been close by your own admission

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GinSwigmore · 20/06/2017 17:15

YANBU she should be having you as a matron of honour. Unless she is having no bridesmaids at all or just little ones (in which case you'd be doing the Kate Middleton role having to silently hiss at them to behave!)
I think in the circumstances you try and rise above it. But if she's your chief bridesmaid demote the rhymes with witch ;-)

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GinSwigmore · 20/06/2017 17:16

Five older bm? Yanbu

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/06/2017 17:17

Telling her you no longer want her because she didn't ask you would be massively unreasonable, I cannot believe people are saying that would be ok Shock

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SweetLuck · 20/06/2017 17:17

You chose to use your bedding to bring her closer. She doesn't want to do the same. Maybe you think you've done the wrong thing in asking her?

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Groupie123 · 20/06/2017 17:18

Remove her from your wedding party. You don't need her.

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WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 20/06/2017 17:21

It does depend on whether she's having other adult bridesmaids. I was slightly tragically disappointed when DSis didn't have my DD as a bridesmaid - but it was a registry office wedding in a short frock and she just wasn't doing the whole bridesmaid thing at all so I didn't actually resent it at all. If it had been a huge church job with a six foot train held by a string of bridesmaids and flower girls I'd have been properly pissed off for me/DD to be left out.

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PunjanaTea · 20/06/2017 17:22

YANBU. She sounds very inconsiderate of others feelings. I infer from your post that she is quite used to the world revolving around her. The very least she could have done is say something directly to you about why she doesn't want you be bridesmaid.

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/06/2017 17:22

She would be a petulant child to do that

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SweetLuck · 20/06/2017 17:24

Actually, maybe you're upset since it shows that your attempt to 'bring her closer' hasn't worked. And that has left you feeling needy. Understandable.

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beekeeper17 · 20/06/2017 17:25

I would ask her why, at least you would know then. It could be something silly like there are 5 men in the bridal party and she wants 5 bridesmaids for the photos to look better (not that this is a reason I would pick bridesmaids but some people really care about these things).

I would feel hurt but if it was me I wouldn't bother dropping her from your bridal party, it starts to look petty then. My sister didn't want me to sit at the top table but she wanted her other bridesmaids to (I was a bridesmaid). I felt really hurt and spoke to her about it. In the end she did put me on the top table but probably just because she felt she had to. Like you and your sister, we're not overly close and I feel like I'm always making more of an effort to arrange meet ups and things, she never seems bothered!

I would ask her about it though, at the very least she'll realise that it's a hurtful thing to do.

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bridgetreilly · 20/06/2017 17:26

You asked her, knowing that you weren't that close, which was kind of you. She doesn't owe you anything for that, however. I say put on your big girl panties and get over it.

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Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 17:28

I absolutely don't want to drop her as a bridesmaid but I've had friends suggest I do it which is inflaming the situation.

I guess I'm just wondering whether I'm being immature and reverting to teenage stereotype or whether other people would also be upset.

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