DSis and bridesmaid issue - very possibly being unreasonable

[Bridesmaidbother]

I would like to get some perspective as I'm genuinely not sure what's unreasonable here and whether I'm being rather pathetic so I'd like some MN insight.

I'm getting married at the end of the year and I've asked my DSis to be chief bridesmaid. We haven't always been close but I felt that a big occasion was a time to bring the family closer together. We've also arranged a number of elements of the wedding to ensure that DSis and her partner can come - so far, no issue.

However DSis got engaged a few months ago and has specifically said she does not want me as a bridesmaid. It hurt and brought up lots of past issues of being the less favoured child and also her seeing me as an embarrassment for much of our childhood (which to be fair I was as she was very cool and I'm a major dork)

Trying to be a grown up I decided to get over it and just ignore it but since then people have heard about the situation and have been commenting on it, with some even asking whether I'd now be dropping her from bridesmaid duties as a result.

I really don't want to do this as it feels incredibly petty, but I'm finding it harder to ignore the feeling of rejection that my only sister is happy enough to be my chief bridesmaid but doesn't want me in her wedding party. So, do I need to get a rather massive grip or am I justified in feeling upset about this?

[Rach5l]

In light of what you say about DM & your best friend - remedy that now or you'll regret it. Switch best friend to chief bridesmaid

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

I would make your best friend your chief bridesmaid and have your sister as just a bridesmaid.

[SkyBluePinkToday]

Look in your heart - if you really want her as BM then go for it.
If you don't, then she cannot complain if you change your mind.
What do you want to do for your own happiness?
Put yourself first and don't feel guilty - your family obviously put themselves first.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

Make your best friend your chief bridesmaid and demote your sister to just 'other bridesmaid' - best friend organises hen, does a toast etc.

You can 'sell' this to family that you think that sister will be too busy with her own wedding.

[Helloitsme88]

I dislike my sister. In fact I cannot stand her and her treatment of me when we were younger. I wasn't as cool, but I am now!
She was my chiefs bridesmaid. Not that she organised anything. She ruined my hen.
Whatever. It's done. Didn't cause family issues.
Your sister sounds awful

[missiondecision]

You tried. Sadly your lovely idea of bringing the family closer hasn't worked much magic on your ds.
But.
Just like your friends assumed she would reciprocate bridesmaid duties to you, so will others and she had better have a very very good reason to haven to choosen you.

[missiondecision]

Haven - chosen

[FeelingIrregular]

Demote her and have your best friend as BM.

[honeyroar]

My friend has three daughters in their 20s, one is married and had her sisters and best friend as bridesmaids. Her sister told her that she wouldn't be having her sisters as bridesmaids if she got married. The married one said she'd be offended, her sister said that her three best friends had been there for important ups and downs in her life and she wanted them in the bridal party. She went on to say her sisters would already be involved and on more wedding pics just for being family. It wasn't meant to hurt her family, but to bring her best friends into the wedding/family. I thought it made sense. She's not quite as traditional as her other sisters either.

OP if you demoted your sister or ejected her from the wedding party you'd really set tongues wagging - about you! You did a nice thing, she doesn't have to return it, and it doesn't mean she's looking down on you. Try and put that out of your head. Choose an outfit for her wedding that really suits you and that makes you feel confident, rather than having to wear something she chose, and go out there and shine.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If I were you, I'd have to switch the best friend into the Chief Bridesmaid role and downgrade DSis to regular bridesmaid. It sounds very like the only person whose feelings are being pandered to here are those belonging to your mother.

Please make sure that you have the wedding day that you and your soon to be DH want. Not what your sister wants, not what your mother wants, not what anyone else wants. What you want is important and you will have photos of this forever so you want to look back on the day with happy memories not "What If's".

[Bridesmaidbother]

You've all really helped me think things through so thank you so much to everyone. I really appreciate all the posters who have been kind, seen my point of view and told me I'm not unreasonable to be upset. And thank you also to the posters who have seen my sister's side - I think there's definitely some truth in that she's less bothered about being my bridesmaid so didn't see the need to ask me back (ugh isn't it horrible being the needy one?!)

I will be keeping my sister as bridesmaid - we wanted our wedding to be about joining our families and it wouldn't feel right doing that without her in the wedding party. My best friend is still a bridesmaid and I think any juggling of roles is likely to just be petty at this stage.

This thread has really helped me make peace with the fact that DSis just has different priorities for her day and that's not a reflection on me. We may not have the perfect relationship but she is not vindictive or spiteful and now I think about it I'm sure I really will have a better time without being a bridesmaid!

[MommaGee]

Good luck with your wedding OP

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Much better to think positive OP, have a great time at both weddings, they'll both be different, but equally as special.

[LouHotel]

Can you just demote her to bridesmaid and have your BF as MOH. I think she should be understanding of it considering the circumstances.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Keep your head up and dont let her know you care. You will have a far better day at her wedding with your lovely new dh instead of traipsing around in a long dress. Just watch she doesnt upstage your wedding by announcing all her plans just as you do. You know what she is like now. Have her as bridesmaid but dont make any big fuss of her.

[user1492287253]

honestly. in your shoes i would do the following
keep her as cheif bm. turn a bit bridezilla to get maximum effort from her.
any chuntering rellies silence by saying you dont think that there should be married bridesmaids.
atten dsis wedding and enjoy
learn from this that you will not have the relationship you want becuse that only happens if 2 put in the work