DSis and bridesmaid issue - very possibly being unreasonable

[Bridesmaidbother]

I would like to get some perspective as I'm genuinely not sure what's unreasonable here and whether I'm being rather pathetic so I'd like some MN insight.

I'm getting married at the end of the year and I've asked my DSis to be chief bridesmaid. We haven't always been close but I felt that a big occasion was a time to bring the family closer together. We've also arranged a number of elements of the wedding to ensure that DSis and her partner can come - so far, no issue.

However DSis got engaged a few months ago and has specifically said she does not want me as a bridesmaid. It hurt and brought up lots of past issues of being the less favoured child and also her seeing me as an embarrassment for much of our childhood (which to be fair I was as she was very cool and I'm a major dork)

Trying to be a grown up I decided to get over it and just ignore it but since then people have heard about the situation and have been commenting on it, with some even asking whether I'd now be dropping her from bridesmaid duties as a result.

I really don't want to do this as it feels incredibly petty, but I'm finding it harder to ignore the feeling of rejection that my only sister is happy enough to be my chief bridesmaid but doesn't want me in her wedding party. So, do I need to get a rather massive grip or am I justified in feeling upset about this?

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

That is horrible. My sisters were both my bridesmaids, despite both being older and one married, because when I was little they gave me a part in their weddings out of kindness to include me and I won't forget it, it meant a lot to me when I was growing up.

I think given quite how cruel your sister has been, and your history with her, I'd turn into the bride from hell and scream abuse at her before sacking her for being useless, and loudly tell everyone at the wedding she had to go for being such a failure. "Honestly, one sister and she couldn't even manage to do x, y, and z, thank goodness for 'best friend'."

If she's been a bitch your whole life, and has just proved she has no intention of changing, treat her as she behaves. Don't miss and hit the wall, let her know her behaviour is awful and you won't take it quietly any more.

[AhYerWill]

I think you need to focus on what you want here. If originally you wanted your best mate to be chief bridesmaid, then I think you could ask dsis to step down and be 'just' a bridesmaid.

Id give it the old 'Now you're getting married, obviously you'll need to focus on that, so I've asked Bf to take over the role of chief bridesmaid. I'd still love you to be a bridesmaid, but I know how busy you'll be and i don't want to add to your stress, so I understand if you don't feel you'll have time'. Then it's up to her, and it's not about you not being 'picked'.

[zeebeedee]

Sorry I think YWBA little U to be upset by this - you have chosen who you want to ask (including your Sister) and she has chosen who she wants to ask (not including you).

I understand you had good reason to ask her, not just because she will look good in the photos, but it doesn't mean she has to do the same.

I appreciate you feel sad about it, and YANBU about that, but concentrating on making your wedding (and marriage) what you want it to be, and let her make her own decisions.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

YANBU to be upset given your childhood and how this makes you feel that your attempt to foster a closer relationship hasn't worked too well.

You are right not to remove your sister as bridesmaid. If you are trying to develop a closer relationship as adults, removing her would knock that right on the head.

The people commiserating with you sound like drama llamas. I would find that irritating as it is presumptuous. You are quite capable of deciding whether you are upset or offended without them telling you that you should be.

[foodiefil]

I'd be hurt OP. Don't think yabu. Think your sister sounds like a knob.

Make it known you wanted to include your family in the wedding party as much as pos and smile through it. Don't let it ruin your day.

[foodiefil]

Actually yeah remove her. You don't want her poison close to you on your day. Surround yourself with support

[foodiefil]

Is there a risk she'll overshadow you? Deliberately?

[pigeondujour]

I have to say I think if someone with a sister is having adult bridesmaids at all, they really ought to make their sister one of them unless there's a very good reason not to.

[RebootYourEngine]

Could you keep her as bridesmaid and have your best friend as maid of honour?

[LiveLongAndProspero]

I'd hoped that showing that she was important to me would help to foster a closer relationship and this has shown me that's not going to work

It doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen all on your terms. You're not close to your sister. You are only having her because your mother wants you to and because you think it might improve your relationship, but she doesn't have to fall in line because you have decided that you are now to be close. And its pretty unfair of you to expect her to, its quite controlling.
It doesn't even sound like you like her at all.

[Llamacorn]

My sil was (only) bridesmaid at mine, but I won't be at hers. And I honestly don't mind one bit!
She has a lot of friends, family and she couldn't have everyone. She has decided on her best friend and my eldest dd as bridesmaid but she is struggling with flowergirls as there would just be so many so she doesn't know what to do.

I think you have been the bigger person by asking her to be yours and allowing her to be involved in your wedding.

Could it be that she has many friends she has been close with over the years? Or she wanted the same amount of bridesmaids as grooms men? That they are all unmarried? There could be 100 reasons why she hasn't asked you, but I don't think she has to, just because you asked her.

I do think she should have offered an apology or explanation however, my sil said to me that she was sorry and wished she could have me to then went on to explain why. I don't think I'd have the brass neck to actually ask though if she hadn't.

[Only1scoop]

I don't even know what the 'chief' BM is😳

[Bridesmaidbother]

Of course I like my sister, I might be slightly pushed around by DM but I wouldn't go as far to have someone I actively disliked as a bridesmaid!

But you're right Livelong I think I saw this as some magic hollywood moment of bringing us closer together and real life doesn't work like that. I wouldn't expect her to change her mind but I think I'm just upset because it has highlighted that I try to be considerate of her and don't get the same back.

However I will move past this, DSis will certainly be very good at being chief bridesmaid** and getting all the bridesmaids sorted and I'm sure I'll have a much better time anyway at her wedding not worrying about ruining all of her photos!

This has been very helpful to talk through - thanks all.

[Chloe84]

You sound like a lovely sister and person.

One day your sister will want to be closer to you. She may find it's too late.

[Coughandsplutter]

Not read whole thread so apologies for any overlaps. My sister kind of did this a few years back. I was engaged to be married. She was engaged to be married at same time but planning to wed before me. She was aiming for very small wedding. I'd already asked her to be my chief bridesmaid and she said she didn't want any bridesmaids as she wanted to keep costs down. I was heartbroken and cried for a whole day! My parents sat on the fence....as usual, which hurt all over again . She actually split up with the guy a few months after.

[foodiefil]

Am I reading this wrong or are you not the victim here? I don't mean to sound awful but I'm getting a picture of someone who has been bullied by her younger sister, mates and DM because you're different and not as 'cool' as her.

So anyone saying you're unreasonable to expect things to happen on your terms I think you've done that because as the victim in these situations you always want to please the person who is hurting you or has hurt you, so it isn't that you want things on your terms it's just that you always extend the olive branch.

[BangkokBlues]

YABU

Maybe she wasn't bothered about being your BM! It's hardly the right time to try and bring a sister you aren't close to into the fold.

[Upanddownroundandround]

This happened exactly the same to me. I would say just forget it and move on, enjoy your wedding and then enjoy her day. You will actually enjoy her day better as a standard guest not a bridesmaid anyway. It is hurtful but don't let it drag you down.

[kittybiscuits]

I like you better than your other family members Bridesmaidbother . I hope you're marrying someone who loves and cherishes you, because that's exactly what you deserve.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

My DS was maid of honour, at my wedding, I was a guest at hers, but much preferred it that way, though I didn't have a choice in the matter ! 😂
Do whatever makes you happy OP, that's all that matters, it's your special day.

[jarhead123]

I'd be hurt too. I'd have to say something, or my Mum would. Thats ridiculous

[GaynorGoodwin]

Oh my goodness! This has made me feel upset and I'm not you. I'm so sorry to hear this, it just doesn't seem nice of her. Do you even know why she doesn't want you as bridesmaid?

[dnamummy]

OP - you sound like you are going to just let it go, and I really commend you as although that may be difficult and you may carry a little hurt you will always be able to look at yourself and be proud, which I think matters.

I'd also say that sibling relationships can change when other relationships change. My brother and I were never very close until DF died and we leant on each other and supported each other through that. If you can keep your relationship at the moment civil there is a better chance of the changes being positive in future

Good luck

[Benedikte2]

I hope you have a wonderful wedding OP.