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DSis and bridesmaid issue - very possibly being unreasonable

91 replies

Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 17:06

I would like to get some perspective as I'm genuinely not sure what's unreasonable here and whether I'm being rather pathetic so I'd like some MN insight.

I'm getting married at the end of the year and I've asked my DSis to be chief bridesmaid. We haven't always been close but I felt that a big occasion was a time to bring the family closer together. We've also arranged a number of elements of the wedding to ensure that DSis and her partner can come - so far, no issue.

However DSis got engaged a few months ago and has specifically said she does not want me as a bridesmaid. It hurt and brought up lots of past issues of being the less favoured child and also her seeing me as an embarrassment for much of our childhood (which to be fair I was as she was very cool and I'm a major dork)

Trying to be a grown up I decided to get over it and just ignore it but since then people have heard about the situation and have been commenting on it, with some even asking whether I'd now be dropping her from bridesmaid duties as a result.

I really don't want to do this as it feels incredibly petty, but I'm finding it harder to ignore the feeling of rejection that my only sister is happy enough to be my chief bridesmaid but doesn't want me in her wedding party. So, do I need to get a rather massive grip or am I justified in feeling upset about this?

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 20/06/2017 17:28

I would be offended that she is having 5 bridesmaid and you are not one of them. Don't think you should remove her though unless there is someone you would really like to have in her place and picked her purely as she is family over your want to have her by your side.

puglife15 · 20/06/2017 17:31

Ignore your (very bitchy sounding) friends. Dropping her would be the wrong thing to do. You don't choose BM because they'll choose you back.

However you could ask her why she didn't want you to be a BM, in a non accusatory way... It would at least stop you wondering.

Butterymuffin · 20/06/2017 17:32

Is it a serious possibility that she might say you won't look cool enough? That's horrible. From what you've said about your childhood, it doesn't sound as if she's ever been that nice to you.

Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 17:33

Yes they're 5 adult bridesmaids.

I think SweetLuck has hit the nail on the head actually - I'd hoped that showing that she was important to me would help to foster a closer relationship and this has shown me that's not going to work.

However I definitely take PPs point that I shouldn't expect her to want to do the same in return. I will be finding my biggest pair of big girl pants and remembering I'm now an adult!

OP posts:
Summerisdone · 20/06/2017 17:34

YANBU to feel upset or put out by her actions, but she's NBU to not wish to reciprocate with an offer of bridesmaid in her wedding either.

I know I'd be upset if I was in your shoes, and I do think knit would have been more polite if your sister had at least offered up an explanation so you didn't feel so rejected.

Other people trying to stir the pot and suggesting you now drop your sister from your wedding are the people who ABU though, do not let these people get to you as they're just living for the possible drama that they're hoping to get from your situation.

milliemolliemou · 20/06/2017 17:36

Agree with bridgetreilly. Don't overthink it. You've made a gesture. She's chosen not to return the favour but may have already preplanned her bridesmaids. Think of the positives - you won't have to be a bridesmaid at what sounds like a lavish wedding calming bridal nerves and don't even have to go to a hen party if you choose not to!

Know DBiL invited DH to be godparent but we didn't choose him for DS later since DH found it odd having an uncle/GP, explained it and it was accepted.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/06/2017 17:37

The people being unreasonable here are the ones commenting on the situation to you. They sound as though they are stirring things up for their own amusement, so that they can sit back and watch the drama unfold. Just shut them down, tell them it's none of their business and change the subject. Then carry on with the current plans.

You'll have much more fun at her wedding not being a bridesmaid. The dresses are generally uncomfortable or hideous and there's loads of running around on behalf of the bride when you'd rather be chatting to family and friends.

viques · 20/06/2017 17:39

Good for you, I think that is the right attitude. you will (I hope) be invited to her wedding, so think of it as an opportunity to enjoy the day without having to flap about holding up her dress so she can have a wee, and wearing something you probably wouldn't have chosen for yourself. you and your lovely new husband can have a great day comparing what she is doing at hers to what you did at yours (and finding hers wanting no doubt) .

enjoy your own wedding, don't fret about someone else's.

KC225 · 20/06/2017 17:41

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions.

Did YOU really want her to be a bridesmaid?

Do you really want to be HER bridesmaid?

Do you STILL want her to be in your wedding party?

Answer honestly, regardless of opportunity to mend fences etc. Regardless of what it looks like to friends and family and regardless or what people think of you changing your mind. Assuming it's not a small wedding/small children as bridesmaids reason, It's your wedding, do your really want rejection buzzing in your face on your special day?

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 20/06/2017 17:42

After your wedding? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried.

I don't know anyone that follows this.

MatildaTheCat · 20/06/2017 17:46

I suspect that the five bridesmaids are her 'Besties' and all form a bit group. She may simply feel that you are not part of that group and wouldn't fit in, mean though it may sound.

Try to bond over your wedding anyway. You can still become closer and enjoy the experience. Perhaps you could very carefully ask if there might be some sisterly role you could play at her wedding? A reading or similar?

Be the dignified adult and although I understand you are hurt I doubt she's intentionally doing this to upset you.

Slimthistime · 20/06/2017 17:50

Sorry OP but it is possible she accepted being a bridesmaid for you because she felt unable to say no.

I would probably have a chat with her to be sure you don't have a resentful bridesmaid but no reason to drop her if she is happy to do it.

dworky · 20/06/2017 17:50

"After your wedding? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried."
In the same way brides are traditionally virgins?

ArchieStar · 20/06/2017 17:55

Is she older or younger than you? Is she having just friends as bridesmaids or has she chosen a cousin or her future SIL or something? It would be extremely petty to drop her for the sake of her not having you!

BewareOfDragons · 20/06/2017 17:55

Is the effort in your relationship all one-sides, as in, does all the effort to have a relationship come from you?

If the answer to that is yes, I would probably tell her I no longer what her to be a bridesmaid. You can be honest and tell her you're hurt that she didn't ask you, her sister, when you've been trying so hard to work on your relationship because she's your sister and you love her and were thinking of the decades you'll have in the future together. But apparently she feels differently, so you're not going to try any more. Sad, but what's the point if she's not interested.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/06/2017 17:56

You're trying to foster closeness. She opted for bridesmaids that she already feels close to. Unless you were only asking her to be bridesmaid out of a sense of duty, I have no idea why you'd drop her. Your friends that are suggesting you drop her, sound quite nasty tbh.
Do ask her why she hasn't asked you. Otherwise, you're left making up reasons and they're unlikely to be correct.

MommaGee · 20/06/2017 17:56

Yea I'd be upset, yes I'd pull on my big girl pants like you intend to. Remember that you can now relax at her wedding with no duties, endless photos etc.

Has either parent mentioned it?

As for friends, I'd just smile sweetly and say something about how its her wedding and that she is happy is the main thing. Refuse to be drawn in more. They'll get bored

Rubies12345 · 20/06/2017 18:07

Pippi was bridesmaid at Kates wedding but not the other way round

Kate was the Maid of Honour.

shinynewusername · 20/06/2017 18:07

Tricky. I'd feel hurt too if it was me. OTOH maybe she has always planned to have this group of 5 friends and it's a big thing for her.

How has she reacted to being your BM?

NotYoda · 20/06/2017 18:09

i agree with KC225

I can see why you chose her in the hope it would bring you closer, but it's obvious it was papering over the cracks

You sister seems to have been pretty honest about what she really thinks, so now maybe you need to be too

If you can't do that (and I see that would be hard) then I think you really have to find a way to not care. To believe you did the right things, not in hope of reciprocation or strings attached, but because you wanted her

melj1213 · 20/06/2017 18:12

I suspect that the five bridesmaids are her 'Besties' and all form a bit group. She may simply feel that you are not part of that group and wouldn't fit in, mean though it may sound

I agree with Matilda ... when my sister got married she had a big white wedding and didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid whilst she had 4 adult bridesmaids. But, they were all her BFFs that she'd known since nursery school and they're a few years difference in age from me so tbh I was glad not to be asked as I'd have felt like a total gooseberry as the only "non-bestie" in the group but DSis did ask DBro and I to do readings as part of the ceremony.

My brother got married in a registry office wedding so he and my SiL had no bridesmaids, but they did have my DD and nieces/nephews as flower girls and ushers.

When I got married to my ex, we were living abroad so I had my best friend and my ex had his best friend as maid of honour/best man and everyone else just came over as guests as we didn't want people to feel obliged to come because we'd asked them to be in the wedding party, but we did explain that we werent' going for the whole "huge wedding party" thing when we invited people

The point I'm trying to make is that everyone has different reasons as to who and why they ask for family members to be involved (or not), the only way you'll know for definite why your DSis chose not to ask you is by asking her directly. Next time you're together why not invite her out for coffee and ask her?

Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 18:17

Thanks for all the posts - I really appreciate impartial views on this as my friends are probably too close to the history to give a balanced view!

Trying to answer some questions, yes her bridesmaids are all adult friends. Whilst she wouldn't directly tell me I'm not glamorous enough, her friends are very Instagram perfect whereas I'll probably end up with two half decent wedding photos and as children it was something that I was taunted about (despite being two years older). My friends are aware that I've been treated badly in the past so have a tendency to overreact on my behalf.

DM is a lot closer to DSis and so doesn't think she's done anything wrong however she was the one pushing me to make her my chief bridesmaid instead of my best friend so it's a little bit unbalanced.

However I think what posting and replies have helped me see is that I'm probably fighting an uphill battle in trying to improve the relationship and I'd probably be a lot happier if I ignored DM's wishes for us to play happy families and just accepted how things are.

OP posts:
hazeydays14 · 20/06/2017 18:20

I don't think you're BU to feel a bit upset about not being asked but I do think YWBU to drop her. I think you should probably tell the friends who are encouraging you that you're fine with not being asked, even if you aren't.

Hypothetically I will be asking my sister to be bridesmaid but I wouldn't expect her to. She's younger than me and she has a bigger group of close friends than I do.

I would have an honest conversation with your sister about the whole situation though, if you do want a closer relationship with her.

Bridesmaidbother · 20/06/2017 18:21

Also thanks everyone, I think I got a bit het up in feeling like the only kid not asked to the class party but it's really been helpful to step back from that and look at other points of view.

It's still important to me to have her as my bridesmaid and feel like I've done the right thing, and not being chosen back doesn't change that.

And very true to the poster who said I wouldn't want to feel like the gooseberry amongst her very beautiful bridesmaids - I hadn't even considered that but now it feels like it could be a lucky escape!

OP posts:
Gr33nT3a · 20/06/2017 18:23

Although it's impossible to be sure without more background, I would say that the two aren't mutually exclusive - she has the right to choose who she wants as her bridesmaids, but that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to be upset by her choice.

Have you asked her why, or did she say why when she "specifically said she does not want me as a bridesmaid" ? I can only think of one wedding where a bridesmaid was married, so depending on the bride that may still be a factor? Has she always been closer to her friends than siblings?

It's understandably very upsetting for you to emotionally invest in the relationship and feel the investment isn't returned, not unreasonable at all, but these things can't be forced, some people just don't feel the way we'd like them to.

Don't let your friends' suggestions force your hand, decide how you feel about her being your bridesmaid yourself, based on how things stand currently.

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