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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that discipline has gone mad?

91 replies

FaintlyBaffled · 20/06/2017 14:16

These past two days I've had two instances which have left me a bit WTF
The first one involves DS's best friend (they're 13) who has been punished by the school and his DM for what I would consider an act of childish behaviour, typical of young teenage boys. The crime actually made me snigger a little and I truly don't think I would have had it in me to do more than roll my eyes at DS if it was him. I would also have considered the school to be very high handed but that's another gripe

Today DS has made a slightly odd decision in deciding to walk to school as the bus never turned up. No harm done, he knows the route and has walked it many times when we're out with the dogs- it doesn't even involve crossing any roads (though it's the best part of three miles) The problem is he took two 11yo's with him, both of whose parents are furious as technically they were "missing" for about 30 minutes. Now we live in a quiet rural area and the children all had mobile phones (which none of them thought to use) and were obviously together. As far as I'm concerned it's a piece of poor judgment, not a hangable offence.
I've never really considered myself a soft parent (and DS would certainly never say I was) but I don't think IABU to just shrug my shoulders at this and carry on my day as normal!

OP posts:

Quadrangle · 20/06/2017 14:19

Can't comment on your son's friend as i don't know what he did, but i don't think your son did anything wrong. The 11 year olds chose to walk with your son, he didn't force them.

InDubiousBattle · 20/06/2017 14:20

What do you mean by 'took' them with him? Did he just start walking and they followed?

GeillisTheWitch · 20/06/2017 14:20

Need more details on the first example, what did they do and what was the punishment?

humblesims · 20/06/2017 14:20

I think I agree with you. But I think many wont.

RedSkyAtNight · 20/06/2017 14:20

1st one - hard to comment without knowing the circumstances but a childish prank in class can tend to be quite disruptive (one of DS's friend's stuck Monsters Inc posters up in their English lesson for e.g. - it wasted loads of class time while the class all laughed and everyone egged everyone else on)

In the second instance - if the DC don't have permission to walk to school normally I could understand their parents being upset - and tbh this is the sort of thing that you might well be more worried about your 11 year old doing than a 13 year old. My children have very lax boundaries, but the flipside of that is that I am going to get annoyed if they break them!

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2017 14:23

I would expect a 13 year old of mine to tell a younger child to check with their parents first. But if he didn't it would be a "That was daft-think how worried their parents might have been. Use your brain another time"

Can't comment on the other thing. But over a long life, I have discovered that anything that makes anyone "snigger" is something best not done.

Original poster

FaintlyBaffled · 20/06/2017 14:28

Well, incident one was a bit of graffiti in a book (owned by DS's friend actually so not school property) He was sent home, grounded and may potentially miss the end of school trip for it.
Incident two I would imagine was DS's idea but that the younger two happily joined him. DS doesn't have any sort of dark glamour that means they would follow him pied piper like across the fields.
And yes redsky that's my own style of parenting and it seems to have been reasonably effective so far. I'm unwilling to change but seem to be the only one who's a bit meh about these issues.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2017 14:30

Depends on the graffiti and who saw it.

And if it was your ds's idea to walk then he really should have told them to tell their parents.

Make sure he knows for next time.

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2017 14:32

I have very lax boundaries too- but that comes with very high expectations of common sense.

Quadrangle · 20/06/2017 14:32

What did the graffiti say that made you snigger?

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 20/06/2017 14:33

What was the graffiti - did it involves some kind of hate speech against a protected class? Otherwise punishment seems OTT

Eolian · 20/06/2017 14:34

Whatever the judgement on those two instances, YABU to take them as any kind of indication that discipline has gone mad in general. Going my my experiences in schools in the last 20 years, I'd say that discipline hasn't gone anywhere near mad enough.

Original poster

FaintlyBaffled · 20/06/2017 14:39

The graffiti was of a phallic nature , as I said typical of young teenage boys (particularly those with three weeks left until they leave for "big school")
And yes eolian I would tend to agree in the big scheme of things. It just seems that we punish the minor petty things while tiptoeing around the bigger and more important issues.

OP posts:

TrollMummy · 20/06/2017 14:42

With regards to the graffiti, it depends really what it said, was it rude or insulting? I do think schools have to take a hard line on all graffiti and respect for property as they can't say it's ok to graffiti in some places but not others.

The walking to school incident just shows kids using their initiative to get to school on time. The 11 year olds probably should have told their parents but they were not the responsibility of your DS so he is n no to blame.

MonkeylovesRobot · 20/06/2017 14:44

"The graffiti was of a phallic nature , as I said typical of young teenage boys (particularly those with three weeks left until they leave for "big school")"

Typical, but not acceptable. I think the fact this made you snigger is a bit odd. Teenage boys need to learn that going around drawing cocks on property isn't socially acceptable - even if that property does belong to them.

WRT the walking to school thing, I don't see what your DS did wrong, but I can understand why other parents would be angry at their own children for not telling them they were walking if they had mobiles. Incidentally if they had mobiles, why were they "missing" for half an hour? Surely someone would have thought to phone them?

SouthChinaMorningPost · 20/06/2017 14:46

I'd hate my kids to be drawing cocks on a book.

They're still at the peppy pig stage though...

SuperPug · 20/06/2017 14:46

Ok, that does seem overkill for the first one.
The incident with the bus is pretty serious. All schools have a Missing Child Policy. There was an awful event recently at a nearby school where staff were frantically trying to find a pupil. When she was found, she had passed away. I can't imagine their panic as they tried to find her.
So although your son knew he was safe, the 11 year olds were safe, that cannot be known by people in the school. They were all old enough to use common sense and their actions seem a bit "off" if I'm being honest.

38cody · 20/06/2017 14:48

First incident is normal tweenage behaviour.
2nd incident - not your sons problem, at 11they could have called their mums to check its ok or they could have refused.
Your son did nothing wrong Imo.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 20/06/2017 14:49

Gosh you're very slow providing all the information. Half a story initially!

First incident. Yes the school were right to punish.

Second incident. The other parents need to punish their own children for failing to phone and update parents.

EmilyBiscuit · 20/06/2017 14:50

Graffiti on anything belonging to another person has to be taken seriously in schools. Surely you can see that damaging someone else's property might seem like a laugh at the time, but not everyone finds it funny. Sending a child home / missing the end of year trip for this one incident seems a bit harsh though (and I'm normally one to say discipline in schools isn't taken seriously enough).

How could the 11yos be missing if they had their phones? Surely the point of the phones is to be able to make contact with parents. I would expect a year 7 to do that if the bus didn't turn up. Or at least answer the phone when a parent tries to get in touch. That said, neither of those things are you son's fault - it sounds like he was trying to be helpful.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 20/06/2017 14:51

Your son was just being silly I'm sure. However it's not appropriate for the environment.

RideOn · 20/06/2017 14:51

Yes I wouldnt get wound up by either.

Eolian · 20/06/2017 14:51

It just seems that we punish the minor petty things while tiptoeing around the bigger and more important issues.

I don't think that's the intention though. It's more like "If we punish kids for defacing school property, they will hopefully be discouraged from thinking they can get away with moving on to worse acts of vandalism".

Only dealing with bad behaviour once it really escalates is why classrooms across the country are full of constant low-level disruption which wastes countless hours of learning time. Lots of kids get away with constant minor, irritating shitbaggery all the bloody time .

BloodWorries · 20/06/2017 14:51

I'm a little confused on how he 'took' not just one, but two 11 year old kids with him. All I can imagine is a 13 year old saying 'hmm, guess the bus isn't coming. I'm going to set of walking to school so I'm not late.' possible with some sort of 'are you coming with me' or 'what do you think' or at the very worst 'you should walk too, otherwise you will be late'... Surely at 11 years old these kids should be responsible enough to think for themselves??? Why should a 13 year old have to tell them to ring mummy and daddy to ask first?

Depending on the kid, the 13 year old should possible of called his own parents to say 'bloody bus didn't turn up. I'm going to set of walking, if school calls that's why I might be late'.

As for the other kid, he drew a cock in his own book (not a school book in any way shape or form) and was sent home, grounded and is excluded from a trip? Seriously, that's shit. IMO at most school should of informed his parents, who at most should of made him replace the book out of his own money. I'm sure I drew many a cock in my teens (and later teens than these kids) and I didn't get punished and turned out okay, have plenty of books that I don't vandalise. What are they aiming for?

StormTreader · 20/06/2017 14:53

So, did no-one phone these "missing" children on their mobiles? Was there no signal or something?
I kind of feel like taking the 11yr olds with him was the best thing to do, considering they had all missed the bus and been left there by their parents (as I assume the situation was) - would it have been more responsible to leave them there on their own with no phone signal?

I can easily imagine this as one of those "made fairly understandable decisions that suddenly resulted in a 'how exactly did we end up here?'" situations.

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